How can I make people understand and accept me when I lack social skills?

Question

My parents bear witness to the fact that I have Asperger Syndrome, and for just over 30 years of my life have never made any real friends. I've had 3 or 4 girls that I PERCEIVED to be girlfriends, but they never lasted more than a few months, and each of them had some or other problem. People in my church seem to have their own cliques, and nobody has ever as much as invited me out for a cup of coffee, or phoned me up to say they were thinking about me for the past week and were checking up on me.

Are they just plain heartless, or do I need to be put in an Asperger Syndrome group where "birds of a feather flock together" and start our own "secret society" where I would receive more understanding and acceptance?

I forgot to add that I'm completely extroverted, and not in any way shy. I love being in the spotlight, and I'm always approaching people to talk to them. I think it's the way I go about it that bothers people.

Answer 1

I don't think you have a problem. Many people in this world are arrogant bu-- heads and can't see past their own nose. They are worried about the shallow things in life, and not what is the right thing to do.
First of all, I don't know you but I would like to ask; how are you doing? How has your day been going? Would you please go to coffee pot, brew us a cup, sit down, and know that I am doing the same thing with a new, prospective friend.
I am going to give you something to think about, okay. Understand that most people, even though they may not say so, love to be in the spot light also. Sometimes when around a person who is much better at it than they are, they back away from that person. It hurts my heart to think that people who belong to a church would do this also. I would think that they would know better. With this said, maybe people would gain more acceptance of you if you didn't show them how good you are. In other words, be sneaky and humble with you talent, in fact, allow them the stage when it could easily be yours. Never let them know that you did this because you then will hurt their feelings, however, these individual will then start to feel good about their selves and will probably ask you, or try to give you advice as to how to get involved. Be a earnest student, even though you know you are way better than they in this area.
Good luck friend.

Answer 2

Maybe you just need to put yourself out there more. There are a lot of people who will not approach someone that they do not know, who are different, or who are just shy. If you make the first move and just start talking to people at your church, chances are that they will welcome you into their "cliques". If they don't, then you need to find a new church. I know that walking up to strangers and starting conversations isn't easy, but the more you do it the easier it will become. If you're unsure of what to say to someone when first meeting them you could try thinking of topics of conversation beforehand, then waiting for or creating your own opening.


In that case, have you taken a step back to evaluate your behavior? Do you come off as pushy or a little too forward? Or it may be the topic of conversation that you're choosing. Ask someone you trust, such as your parents, what type of topics they would and would not be willing to discuss with a virtual stranger. Joining groups that have similar interests and ideas would also work. Church does not have to be the only place where you can meet interesting individuals. Local YMCAs, colleges, universities, and recreational centers usually have some sort of discussion group open to the public.

Answer 3

I know exactly what you're talking about, because my son has PDD, which is just a breath away from Asperger's. He's smart, gregarious, personable, but until the past couple of years, he hasn't had any real friends.

Lately he's gotten more friends because he's in band (he's 17) and he has a cell phone. His way of getting closer to other people is to bring his hacky sack, play practical jokes on people, or tell jokes. He loves to be on stage, too, and takes every opportunity to make the class laugh.

Joel is also bi-polar, and ADD. When Joel is off of his meds (specifically Carbatrol & Adderall), he can get other peoples' attention, but can't keep it because he's somewhat pushy, and he's not thinking clearly, so the jokes don't always make sense and he says whatever is in his head. His mind is going 100 miles per minute.

Are you sure your meds are balanced?

I can see exactly the type of situation you're talking about and I wish I had the answers. Joel is getting better each year, but he has a lot of years before he'll be 30 and lonely.

Cliques in a church is a disgrace. I'd consider visiting elsewhere.

The problems Joel faces are getting to know unattached girls. He's got lots of friends that are girls, but they just tell him their problems. Of course, he's not dating yet.

The only advice I can give you is what I say to any single looking for a mate. Go to places people like you hang out. Don't go to a bar, because the people at bars are not moral, smart, high-quality people in general. Go to a dog park, a local festival, a jazz concert outside, a place where people like you hang out. And pray. I prayed for 2 years every night for the Lord to find my spouse and send him to me. He's better than I ever deserved and our 23rd anniversary is in Sept. When the Lord brings people together, it's a blessed union.

Best wishes
Debbie
TX mom

Answer 4

How did you get diagnosed? I think I got the same probs. I don't have much friends apart from ppl on Runescape.com :p

I don't hang out with much people these days. I've lost 2 jobs atm. I need a real life. People think I'm crazy just because I know my future.

Answer 5

You can't "make" anyone do anything.

All you can control is your >self<.

For others to accept you, you have to accept you.

Others see you as you see yourself.

As you think in your heart, so are you.

Just be you, and be self-assured.

Confident.

Social skills?
Just love people.
Be a friend.