What do i do about my son?

Question

I sent my sons off for the month of July to stay at their dads just like I am suppose to because that is what was required by me in the divorce. Well, in the mean time my son is only there a week and he gets himself a girlfriend...now my son is only 16 so it's pretty typical to hook back up with an old girlfriend from about two years ago, and I know this girl is trouble. But I get a call from my x saying that my sons no longer want to live with me and that they want to live with him and his wife Now the step mom is a @#%* from what my sons have told me before. Which I rather not go into right now on the things she use to have my sons do. My husband abuse both my sons and myself and dcfs did get involved so we left and moved away from him, but I have to do what the court says by letting him see them. I told my son it was out of the question. So then he said he hated me. I know when he gets back he is going to be out of control and i don't know what to do.

This woman has 7 kids plus one on the way all living in that house already...four are from four different guys and the two plus the one on the way are from my x. I know it's the dad talking to him. But this is not up for discussion. But how do I prevent my son from being a holy terrier when he gets home. Because he has a lot of his dad in him. I live in Illinois. Can someone help?

Answer 1

if your husband abused your sons, why on earth would the court make you let him spend time with them? your story doesn't make sense.

Answer 2

I can understand your situation. My son is 12. He lives with me and visits his Dad every Tues., Thurs., and alt. weekends plus one week in the summer and one week in the winter (plus we always share recesses from school). My son has alot of friends where his Dad lives (Queens). He has less friends here (Long Island) and says he hates it here. He has told me that he would rather live with his Dad but thinks if he does he will hurt my feelings and that I will never come visit him. I don't know whether he ever spoke with his Dad about this, but in the custody papers, when my kids turn 13, they have the rights to choose where they want to live. My ex used to abuse myself and my son also. It was either threats of violence (mind games) or he'd hit my son which made me furious because it was not my idea of how to punish a 2 year old. Ok, so back to your situation. Your son is of age where he can decide where he wants to stay and you basically can't stay much about it. Right now he thinks the grass is greener on the other side, as does my son. I tried to explain to my son that he does not go to school there or live there, only sees his friends certain days and how does he know when he's there full time that he won't grow to hate it there also. I always get some sort of answer stating he would never hate it because kids are nicer there and there's less crime (????). Anyway, here is my suggestion to you. Let your sons stay there as they have asked. Since one is of age right now to do it without your consent, you have to let him go regardless. Let them see what life is like with Dad for a while. He may turn out to be a good father and maybe the stepmom will not be such a *!@##$. Or...their dad will start his crap again, abuse them and stepmom will chime in. Your sons will see that what they thought was paradise turned out to be a living hell and will beg you to let them come home. Either way, even if it's just for the summer...let them go. If my son comes to me one day and asks, as much as it will pain me to let him leave, I will do it so he can learn that not everything is what it seems. Good luck to you. You can always write me if you need to talk.

Answer 3

Well if Dad were any kind of Dad at all... he would have first arranged a meeting between you and him. This kid is playing the 2 of you against each other and Dad is playing along. He wants to stay, because He likes this girl and most likely Dad is letting him do as he pleases. If there is a history of abuse, well you have every right to flat out say no. And to change custody, even for a 16 year old, parents have to agree or get the court to decide.

Answer 4

I don't know how far ex lives from you.. but if it's really all about the girlfriend... the more you push her away, the more they'll get the Romeo and Juliet complex... and he'll want her more.. Just become her best friend.. tell him it's best for him to live with you, but that his girl is welcome.. Have her over all day every day... have her help you with cooking and cleaning.. Trust me, there's nothing like Mom liking the girlfriend / boyfriend and having them around all the time to kill the relationship! My mom did this - for years she pushed the guy away and I couldn't get enough - finally she acted like she had a change of heart and kept us under her nose.. must've been hard, but in no time I was tired of him! Also try to talk to him about why he wants to live there.. help him to understand your reasons for not allowing it and try to "relax" a little on the important parts to him (i.e. if Dad lets him play guitar in the living room, perhaps you can stand it for a while..) Best of luck..

Until the court order is changed, he does have to come home, you can enforce it with police if necessary .. and have your ex petition the court for a change.. the judge will listen to all sides and your son will have his say in court, if it comes to that..

Answer 5

There's not much you can do from stopping him from being a holy terror when he gets home. I think the reason has a lot more to do with he new girlfriend than it does his father. His father may not be saying anything, but you son doesn't want to leave the girlfriend. Sometimes being a mother means putting up with a lot of crap in the best interest of our children. He will be mad when he first comes home. Nothing you do will change that, but he will get over it. You just have to instill in him that this is for his best interest and in 2 years, if he still wants to go to his dad's go for it, but that while he is a minor what you say goes. Remind him of the reasons you left his dad if he doesn't remember.

Answer 6

Your son is 16, a really HARD age to go through. So after reading your story, I think he feels like his father allows him more freedom by not having any kind of structure or whatsoever. It seems like you are a very serious mother who naturally want the best for your children, but having a background of child abuse I would NOT allow my son to live with his father by NO means!
Just let time pass by and at the end of the month your son will be tired of his new toy/girlfriend and of his father and will be more than willing to go back to you. He will need a transition period from his father's to your place, but he will be fine. Even though adolescents like to rebel and misbehave, they really need structure and know how to be grateful to that when they find it.
Aside of all of that, it would be good if you could have a talk with his father about this situation because it is not helping your son to grow up healthy. If he does not agree, you may want to threat him saying he will not see him anymore and that you will take legal actions.

Answer 7

You can not stop him from being a terror. He is going to use all the stuff at his disposal to over ride you. Be prepared. Start seeing a counselor right now who treats adolescents. Learn the techniques to keep yourself calm and to not be tricked into reacting. Learn to act instead. Then as soon as he come home. Take him to an appointment. Make sure he understands you are not going to budge. Do not bad mouth his dad or step mom and girlfriend no matter what...hard to do but if you give into it you will align him with them even more. Realize a girlfriend is normal..let him find one here. He will forget her if you do not make him defend her. Start now . when you go to war, you try to prepare BEFORE you get into it. George B should have been that smart. Be Smarter than him.

Answer 8

Let him live with his dad you are over protective. The same thing happened to my boys' they are much happier here and are doing better in school. When boys start to turn to men they need their father, and their father is obviously a good person he cares what his boys want and has kept the relationship with his sons going despite your best efforts to keep them from their father. The kids resent you talking bad about him and only allowing the visitation because the court ordered you to. You should be ashamed of yourself for not trying to help the kids build a relationship with their dad. Kids are smart they are on to your game now. I don't mean to sound so crule but listen to yourself and think about things from another perspective other than your own self concerned view. If thier father wants to take you to court he will win hands down the kids are old enough to decide now. You should start listening to your kids and try to meet them in the middle rather than over protecting them until the day they graduate and dumping the whole world on them at once. They need to make a few bad decisions with girls or otherwise or they will be fubar when all of that decision making and responsibility is dumped on them at one time.

Answer 9

It is not your job to be his friend, it's your job to be his mother and keep him safe, even if he insists he's old enough and knows what's best for him. He's 16 and has no clue and probably wont figure it out until he's 36. But he is old enough to understand whats going on. When he comes home, you need to sit down and talk it out, with no yelling and no accusing. You need to treat your son with respect and be honest with him and if he tries to go against your rules, because you are the mom and you are in charge, you need to have clear consequences and you need to enforce them. If you have to, you can even make a contract with him stating what you expect of each other and what the consequences are, for both of you, and you both sign it. Just remember, he can have rules for you too. You can't treat him like a little kid, because he's not, but you do need to show him how to be an adult. It sounds like you're the best example he's got.

Answer 10

It's about you having rules in your house and your son is getting all the "freedom" he wants where he's at now. I'm sure since he's 16 he'll be able to stay with his dad if he wants to.

You may not want to hear this but, there is a chance he won't come back.

Answer 11

I suggest that you call your DFS case worker and explain the situation and let them do the footwork. Is best for all involved. They are not there just to hinder. You risk losing your son if you do not. The same happened to me and I lost my daughter at 12 years of age over it. Had I had done this I wouldn't have.