Should I marry him or run?

Question

I met a man on the internet who I know live with. He is a good man but is a alcholic and has made poor decisions in the past which he lost his license over. He is a good father, clean and neat and loves me very much. How do you deal with someone who drinks and should i stay and marry him or go? I get angry when he drinks, real angry! im not a drinker nor do i do drugs of anykind. Be nice! Thanks everyone!

Answer 1

If him drinking bothers you that much (it would bother me too!), then I think you need to give him an ultimatum: 'It's me or the booze'. I understand that if he's an alcoholic, then it's an addiction and not that easy for him to just 'stop doing it', but sometimes people need a reason to stop. You need to think about the effect his behaviour and your relationship with him is having (or is going to have) on your children. Seek some councelling if you're unsure what to do. All the best, hun!

Answer 2

Well, speaking from experience. I say leave him. Unless you're a licensed therapist, Alcoholism is not something that you can help him overcome.

In my situation, my ex would drink EVERY day. Pints of liquor. Hard stuff. Yet would still manage to go to work everyday, uncanny. But seriously, I know this sounds cliche-ish, but he has to admit that he has a problem. Which is so true. And he seriously needs to want to get help.

Don't fall for the okey-doke. You're at a point that you can walk away. You mentioned he's a good father. Do you have kids with him? If so, think about them.

Dealing with an alcoholic and their mood swings is emotionally draining. If you get angry when he drinks as his girlfriend, just imagine how it'd be as his wife! If you do decide to stay, marriage should be the last thing on your mind. Just my $.00002 cents.

Answer 3

This man has a problem with alcohol which will only get worse as time goes on. If you are married to him, he could get abusive and then you are the one to suffer. He will spend money on alcohol and going places that he can get drinks with or without you. It sounds like one or the other or both of you have children already. Drunks may look clean and neat now, but in a few months or years that can change. I will have to tell you that if you want a decent life, stay away from someone that drinks too much.

Answer 4

Oprah once said "Doubt means don't"... Usually, I don't quote Oprah but in this case I think its appropriate. Perhaps what you should do is a little couple counseling before your marriage begins. You don't want to start off the marriage with a preconcieved notion that you are unsure of what you want. There is no point in getting married to somebody if you are always going to be worried about what they are doing. You really need to talk to him - tell him how you feel. You must remember that alcoholism is something that never goes away and it is very difficult to stay sober. Just be supportive of him - sometimes tough love is the best means of support. Maybe you need to give him a choice - you or the bottle. If he chooses you, do counseling and get him the help he needs. If he chooses the bottle, tell him to screw off and figure this stuff out on his own time. You're too much of a good woman to be waiting around for him to get home from the bar! I want to be an addictions counselor when I get out of college and I'm beginning to realize that sometimes the only way people will learn is when they lose somebody they love for the bottle or when they lose their own life. I hope it doesn't come to this point for you but you never know. Good Luck!!!

Answer 5

It depends on how much of your time and personal energy you wish to spend on another grown adult's problems and addictions. If there is even the slightest chance of an 'I told you so' then don't do it. For me or any woman to choose matrimony, this guy would have to take the initiative to work out his addiction by seeking counseling and by joining a 12-step group.

Ask yourself why you would be willing to align yourself with someone who has such a serious problem, which you are already aware of. Do you feel you deserve a second chance or an equal opportunity despite a personal shortcoming of your own? (not drink or drugs as you mention, but for whatever you may be working through).

What you see now (anger at his decisions and doubt about your level of participation in a relationship with him) is what you will get later.

Love is not always enough and love is not always the martyrdom we achieve by accepting someone else's potentially dangerous faults that others would never accept. It is your life. If you think (now, really think about this one) that you cannot do any better, then run to that altar and never look back.

Best of luck with your decision.

Answer 6

Same scenario happened to my MIL, and they fought ALL THE TIME! When I was dating my husband, I hated to go over there because of it. She would nag nag about his drinking and he'd drink more cause she was nagging.

He too lost his license, and we thought that would be a wake up call, but no...he lost it again and did jail time - 7 times later. (me personally, I think there should never be a 2nd time, much less 7) He started gambling when he drank and went out all the time to get away from her to drink in peace.

He found a chick in a bar and started a fling and the wife found out and went nuts after all she put up with from him. They eventually divorced, and he lives with the chick from the fling since she drinks as well.

Also, (different family) a brother in law of mine drinks VERY heavily and he began to gain weight from it. He was a sloppy angry drunk and when he let himself go, he became very insecure and thought his gal would leave him, causing him to drink more to handle it all. It took her saying she was leaving (and really meaning it with the backup plan and all) before he decided to quit. They went to counseling and he's been sober for a year.

I know it's supposed to be 'stand by your man' but there's only so much a woman can take, especially if he's a mean/hurtful drunk. I personally don't blame you for getting mad, as there's a big difference between a casual drinker and someone who HAS to have it...including all the $ that's 'thrown away' to it.

If you can see yourself in the same situation years down the road with a ring on your finger, then you truly love him and will find a way to work it out. Pray Pray Pray, talk to him, try to get him or you both as a couple counseling, so he can see what he's doing to you from your end - including fearing for his or someone's life he may take from being intoxicated behind the wheel.

If you just can't see putting up with that and don't think anything will help, or he won't change, as bad as it will hurt, you may need to move on for your own sanity.

Best of luck and God bless!!!!!!!!1

Answer 7

Ok you can start by sitting him down and talk to him about this and let him know how this issue affects you. I assume you have talk to him before about it but you didn't give much information on what you have tried and what you haven't. You need to be real understanding on the issue of his drinking cause it is a illness tell him you will stand by him but he needs to quit. I know that sounds terrific well if you have done everything possible to get his attention on this matter then i would give him a ultimatum the love for you or the love for alcohol but one of them gots to go you tell him to choose and give him a timetable to where he can start treatment on the issue
Well i tried to be nice as possible and i wish you the best of luck

Answer 8

It's very difficult to live with anyone who has an addiction. You're marrying someone who simply has a problem, you're marrying the guy AND the addiction. If he doesn't get help, the addiction is always going to like a third wheel on a date. You're always going to compete with it for his attention. He's going to completely turn his back on you and choose his addiction instead sometimes.

Find some literature on living with alcoholics and be sure you're fully aware of what you're signing up for before you say "I do".

Answer 9

Well, if the only bad side of him is the drinking and poor decisions, i'd say that u should try to correct them. Tell him if he loves you enough, he would stop drinking. If he doesn't stop, don't marry. You don't want to ruin your life with an alchoholic. Good luck and best wishes to u!

Answer 10

don't marry him plannning to change him or his drinking.
be honest. do you think there is even a chance he will ever quit? If it is not for sure do not do it. and don't do it until he has quit.
If you think there is any chance that it won't work out once you marry him leave now and save yourself the pain later. it'll hurt worse the deeper into this lousy relationship you get!
you never said you loved him!!! isn't that the most important part? what does he mean to you? If you don't love him like crazy the n his drinking isn't even the problem its your feelings!!!!

personally i'd run but this is your decision. I hope you do what is right for you