Please help me tell my 10 year old the truth.?

Question

I was a teen mom at 17. He left me when I was 3 months pregnant. I was still home so I was ok. When my daughter was 8 mths old I met the guy who is now my husband, since she was so young she's alway known him as "daddy". Thing is I have to tell her, too many people know he is not her father and I'm afraid she'll find out from someone else. I've always said I would tell her at 10 years old, she's old enough to understand and too young to rebel too bad. How do I tell her, where do I start? We also have 2 other kids. please help

Answer 1

"You have to know that of the three of you kids, you're my favorite. And one of the reasons you're my favorite is that you have a special secret that you don't even know about yet! You have two daddies! Yep. True. Daddy is the man who will always be there for you, and always love you, so you have to make him the very best man in your life. You know that Daddy and I love you, so we'll always be your family.

Now, here's the special secret part: you have another daddy - he's not a part of our lives, but someday you may want to meet him so you can learn more about who you are and why you are the person you are. I'm okay with that - when you're a grownup - and I'll even help you find him, if you want me to.

But for now, Daddy is the only one for you. He's your number one. We'll talk more about the number 2 father later, okay, honey? Okay. "

Answer 2

I think you are going to have to approach the subject of where babies come from and how they are made before you touch on the subject of the man she has always known as her father. I would do this now if you are not absolutely certain that she knows "the facts of life" Give this about a week or so to become firmly absorbed into her mind and ask if she has questions about it.
Then at a time when you, your husband and she can be alone without the other kids, tell her that the person who is her daddy is the man who has been there everyday since he met her and that he choose to be her daddy not just because he loved her mother, but because he loved her too. Tell her that her birth father was a boy that you thought you loved and who thought he loved you but that you were both too young to make that kind of a committment to eachother. Tell her what ever she wants to know about how you met but that you need for her to wait to meet him until she is 18 or whenever you decide the time is right. This would be a good time for your husband to reassure her that nothing has changed and that a real daddy is the one who is and will always be there for her. Him!

Answer 3

wow that is a tough situation..u should definitely tell her because she isnt in that rebellious stage as u said and if she finds out from sumone else everything else that comes out of ur mouth she would consider it a lie or she would be doubting u constantly and thats not how a relationship should be between a mother and daughter, no matter how old she is. start off by telling her that mommy has to talk to u about sumting thats been bothering her and that doesnt change the love that u and ur spouse have for her..that even though she calls the man ur married too "daddy", he's not her biological father. explain to her how a father and a dad can mean two different things. parents who are there for their children, biological or not are the real parents because they spend that quality time(play time, sleep time, vacation, family time etc) with that young one. i think the both of u should sit and talk with her so she could get all her questions asked without feeling like oh mommy is the bad guy. reassure her that she didnt do anything wrong and that u would always tell her the truth from now on..i really hope this helps.

Answer 4

You seem to be operating under a couple of assumptions here.

1) Where is it written that a 10yo needs to be burdened with the news that the father she has always known is not her bio dad?

2) If she is living in a secure & nurturing environment now, then how can you assume that she will rebel badly at this revelation?

I agree that one day she should know the truth, but I wouldn't recommend basing the decision as to when she should be told on an arbitrary choice made possibly a decade ago.
If she's ready to hear the truth then she will probably ask about it. Besides, I think it would have to be a pretty irresponsible person to reveal such a thing to a 10yo without the full knowledge & consent of the parents.

As long as you are open & honest with your children, & they continue to feel safe in their home, I can see no reason why any of them would start to rebel with the news that for all intents & purposes would change nothing in their immediate situation.

Put yourself in your 10yo daughters shoes for a moment.
How affected do you believe that she will be to learn that she was fathered by a man she has never known ( & maybe never will) & meanwhile the parents that she has always known will still be there for her, & nothing about her home life is going to change as best as you can predict?

I don't believe that she will be greatly impacted by this news, & quite frankly, I don't understand the need for you to tell her at all unless you are somehow motivated to unburden yourself on her out of guilt.
If that is the case, I suggest that you wait until there is a good reason to tell her, or when you know she will be ready to hear it.

Answer 5

Well you should have done this a long time ago, you have nothing to be ashamed of. The man who has raised her is her daddy, don't ever confuse that. Daddy's are of the heart not the sperm. Her father left her, but her daddy has stood by her and helped her grow up right.

I would simply tell her that her biological father choose a different path than to stay and help raise her, and that her daddy wanted to do just that. Make sure your husband is with you, you should both tell her. He needs to tell her that she is his daughter, and he loves her with all his heart. If you haven't looked into adoption by him, you should.

It might not be easy, this is going to rock her world, so don't get mad at her if she is angry or confused for a while. But just keep loving her, if you are religious, pray together for understanding. If you are not, then make sure you are in constant attention of any sadness or resentment on her part. Most of all, don't treat her any different than you ever have. Good luck.

Answer 6

I think you should tell your daughter that there are two kinds of dads. There is the helper dad who helped make her, and the dad that helps raise her. Tell her that sometimes, those two types of dad's are two different people. Be like, in your case, the helper dad wasn't able to stay b/c he couldn't or wasn't strong enough (not sure why he left so im just shooting ideas!). Then say that you fell in love with the dad that she knows, the one that is her dad raising her. Or another approach could be that when two people love eachother they have a baby and sometimes, the people fall out of love and can't make it work so one leaves and the dad she has now is another love, of the same equivelence to the first love and that this person is still her father, but he is more her father becuase he actually is around. Hope that helped.

Answer 7

Children these days seem to understand more than a lot of people that sprang from the 'baby boomers' generation.
Spend part of a day together, just you and her so you will have enough time for lots of questions. At 10, youngsters are naturally curious about everything. Take your time and it will, more than likely, just come up. Be sure to let her know she's special. That might be the right way to start. Go slowly. Choose your words carefully & keep reminding her how much you love her. It will be good for both of you when she knows. Expect more questions at later dates as she grows. The answers will become easier as it progresses.
Hope this helps you,
Mack

Answer 8

It is difficult but I'm glad you realize that you should tell her. I would make sure I spoke about how her current father loves her and treats her. Then I would talk about how when you are a teen you make choices that can affect you later in life. She may want to meet her father. If that is not possible or not a good idea, just let her know that your husband is her father and you don't want her to feel hurt. Tell her that you think she is a big girl now and ready to know the truth.

Answer 9

Just sit her down with your hubby and explain to her that he is not her Father. BUT he is her Daddy and loves her very much. Explain that sometimes people think they love each other and then find out that they don't and that they shouldn't be together.

The important thing is to tell her that he has been her Daddy since she was a baby, that he loves her and that she is very important to him.

Let her process it and then ask any questions. It may take her several weeks to completely process everything and that is okay.

The important thing to keep in mind is that she needs to know that she is wanted by your hubby and very loved. In a way, she is his special daughter. Best of luck to your family.

Answer 10

I'd say just sit her down and tell her. There's no reason to beat around the bush about it; she's old enough to understand what happened. I'm sure she'll have questions and she'll probably need time to process the fact that the man she knows as her father isn't (biologically anyway), but she should be fine. Be there to give her support whenever you feel it's appropriate and have your husband reassure her that even though he's not her biological father he does love her.

Good luck!