How can I help my friend with his grief?

Question

His wife passed away 2 months ago. He is only 34 years old, has been with her for 10 years. He's tried counseling and grief groups, but found them unhelpful. All of his other friends are avoiding him now. I talk to him daily, but I don't know how to help him. We live in different states, and I feel like he's been abandoned by everyone (even his cat died about 2 weeks ago). I don't know what to say or do to help him see that life is still worth living. He has so much sadness in him, not just the loss of his wife, but the loss of the future he had planned, the memories of the past they shared, the idea that he will spend the rest of his life alone. He has a 19 year old step-son that spends most of his time with his girlfriend. They don't seem to be sharing their grief together.
Can anyone tell me what I can do to help ease his suffering and reasons for him not to kill himself. I just don't know what to tell him anymore.

He says he won't try to kill himself, he just doesn't see a point in living. He says he knows that suicide would be hurtful to me and his family, but if he were to get cancer (again), he probably wouldn't do anything to fight it. He just wants to die, not kill himself (if that makes any sense).

Answer 1

You are helping by talking to him. Grieving is normal. Just make sure he knows you are there when he needs to talk. Tell him often that you care about him. Hopefully, he will find a group that he does like and can get involved in. Maybe he should take the first step to reach out and spend time with his step-son.

Answer 2

I feel very bad for your friend. I can tell you from experience that death is handled by all persons differently. Some people are very strong and can deal with the loss, and don't allow the grief to overtake their lives forever. Other types of people just can't handle a death of a family member or a very close friend at all. Where your friend is so young, he has a chance to get over this tragic loss in time. The secret is time. Time normally heals all wounds, some sooner than others. Did his wife die unexpectedly, or did she have a illness that took some time? If she died from an accident or something took her without to much of a warning, the latter is the toughest type of death to overcome. If you knew his wife for any length of time, you have some inside information about their lives that could help you to help him.... Remembering her when the times were good is only going to remind him of how much they loved each other. The one thing that may help him a little is, his wife would not want him to suffer and grieve the way he is. She would want him to go on with his life, and do some of things that they wanted to do when they were a couple.. I'm sure that will help him to snap out of his greiving mood a little bit. The fact that she is gone, should not make him want to take his own life. His parents, and other siblings should be able to comfort him to some degree. You being a close friend of his will also in time be of some help. I wish I had some magic words and a magic wand to wave over him and everything would be alright. The only other thing that should be done is have a group of friend say prayers to overcome his grief. There is power in prayer, don't overlook this wonderful trait. Good Luck....try something, and don't let him give up on himself. He may not think so right at the moment, but he has a purpose in his life he just has to find out what it is.

Answer 3

If he's talking about killing himself, he needs professional help, pronto. Someone needs to get him a new kitty (like it or not, a kitten would be a reason to keep living). Grief counseling isn't helping because the event is so fresh, and depression is weighing him down so hard. He needs medication for that.

Maybe he needs to start over---like Sleepless in Seattle. Go to a new job in a new town and try to make a life someplace where every tree or store or picture don't remind him of his late wife.

Ideally, he needs a coach who could make him do things that would help--make him go to a movie, go out to eat, play frisbee. Just such coaches are available at a good mental health facility. Maybe he needs a little stay there to get jump-started back into life.

When I was depressed, my family was the main reason I wouldn't kill myself, because I knew it would devastate them, and I couldn't do that to my hus or my kids. Someone, whether you, him, or someone else, has got to help this man find a purpose for hanging on. Volunteer work, an interesting job, an animal, a church, something. Because if he keeps sitting on the couch thinking of her (which is not what she would want, by the way) he will wither up and die.

Answer 4

Your friend needs to understand that there are stages of grief, and he is barely into it. What he is feeling right now, this hopelessness is normal and it will pass, but he needs to see a different counselor or stick with one long enough to do some good. There might also be some medications that will help him get through the days and nights until he is stronger.

It sounds like he is trying to "get over" this and its nothing anyone just gets over. I wouldn't expect a 19yr to share his grief, men are not women, its not what they do.

What you can do for him is get him another cat. It is well known that pets help us get through the hard spots of life, get in touch with the local humane society or cat rescue. That will help the cat find a loving home, and your friend something to occupy his time.

Answer 5

The only thing you can really do is be there to listen! Be the type of friend that you would want him to be.

It's always difficult when you lose a loved one, but with time his pain will lessen. It will never fully go away, but it will get better. He needs to see that there are those out there that still care about him and are willing to support him through this very, very difficult time in his life. If he ever needed a friend it is now.

You need to remind him that his wife loved him very much and that it would break her heart to know that he is in so much pain. Remind him that she would want him to go on and be happy. Also remind him that he will see her again someday and they will spend eternity together, but for right now, he still has a job to do and that is to be a father to his step-son and find happiness in the life he has.

We all grieve in different ways. His step-son may grieve by avoiding being home and your friend deals with it by shutting down.

Just be supportive and do the best that you can. I know it's difficult, but in the end, your friend will appreciate your kindness.

Best of luck to you and him!

Answer 6

Oh this is a very sad event. I would say let your friend know that you will be there for him... whatever he needs, just to talk, go to the park, or whatever it is he needs. I am not trying to be insensitive, I wonder if a new kitty would perk him up. I have 2 cats and I love them so much. I have been through grief... deep grief, but never a partner dying.. I think it is very, very early in his grief... it takes time. His other friends are avoiding him because they do not know what to do, or say. If you are on any type of talking terms with them maybe you could call them and just say... hey you need to be available to him if he needs you. Just let them know. It is not always that people do not care in this situation, they just do not know what to do.

As for the killing himself, I would just over and over say you know I really care about you and if you kill yourself what am I going to do? I will have guilt for life, give him whatever reason (you can think of) for him to live. What family does he have left? People that do care, maybe just dropping by with a bottle of soda and a pizza is enough... just so he knows you, and others are there for him.

My father passed just one year ago, and I know pain. Just do the best you can. If you need to talk to someone too... call a grief counselor, or helpline. If he gets really suicidal.. get intervention, don't worry if he gets mad.. it would be best to save him. I hope it gets better for him, and you. Time...

Answer 7

I completely understand what you're going via, and the sentiments and thoughts you're experiencing are genuine and normall. I keep in mind whilst my brother died, and what my mom and dad went via. it truly is much extra problematical, as that is not well-known. A verify ought to outlive the newborn, so that is extra problematical whilst dying does not come this way. i presumed my mom and dad would on no account get better. They felt unhappiness and guilt for an prolonged time, yet at last have been given extra effective, it took them speaking approximately it each and every of the time. i think for you, it truly is the form of complicated concern, one won't have the ability to stay interior the grief degree continuously tho, the Lord did not make us this way. enormously quickly we start to verify the gentle on the tip of the tunnel, and that's ok. this may well be the toughest concern you ever wade by using, yet you additionally could make it. Pray and ask the Lord that should assist you.

Answer 8

i went through grief and i lost contact with few friends as they find it hard to talk to me after loosing my husband 5 years ago i was 40 then. the best way if he believes in god it's to pray and attend church where he feels comfortable .this church should be a happy place where he can belong .counselling doesn't do much i know from my experience . kind ppl are so important at that time we call them people who cares .it's nice and great of you to support this friend one day he will be so graetful for your courage, as i am with the friends they stood by me .i know who are my true friends now and you are a true friend .ask him to chat on the net and try toget to know new ppl make new fiends he need to let out all the pain and to talk about his beloved widow just stay there and listen i know it's hard but life keeps going doesn't matter what ?!!!!!!!it's matter of time one day he will realise that there is a reason for what happen and he will have a new life .i hope this will help may god bless you .
if he is looking to someone to listen i can help .after 4 years of grief i got married and i'm happy with my husband .we live day by day and i know now that it's my destiny .

Answer 9

Be there for him consistently. Call, drop by, put yourself into his life. There will be times when he needs solitude, but what he most needs is someone to listen, to call at 3am when he wakes up from a dream thinking his wife is still there, in short to BE THERE. When my gram died, I was very reluctant to let anyone in being raised by a stoic new englander. The people who did not let me push them away bec. my grief was messy and embarassing are the ones that stood between life and death sometimes.

Answer 10

Ask him what will happen to the people in his life that are left if he kills himself. Ask him if another void will be created. You can help him by talking to him as much as you can and he will allow. He will laugh again and be happy if he allows time to work it's magic. As the song goes, "When God closes a door, look for a window". God will not leave us comfortless, will not abandon us.