New fight with old enemy (depression)?

Question

After 25 years of depression, 6 years of suicidal depression, and diagnoses of borderline with severe depression and BPD, I finally got on the right meds and got stable for two years.

Wednesday night something pushed me back over the edge and I was whoosh! Suddenly suicidal. I mean it took me a minute to go from being okay to upset to suicidal. I haven't even thought of hurting myself for two years - and BAM, I spent 5 hours grasping for something - anything - to keep me from overdosing.

I stayed suicidal yesterday; today the SI is gone (thank GOD) but the depression remains and I feel like I've totally regressed. I thought I was DONE with SI (suicidal ideation) but this has me wondering if it will never really be gone.

Has anyone else had a similar experience? How did you deal with the self-disappointment over letting yourself fall back into this stupid pit? Did you find your way out? Was it the same thing that helped the first time? Did I bring this on myself?

markbdarkus, please contact me. I'd like to talk to you more about your answer if I may.

Also - I misspoke. I have bipolar with severe depression, and the BPD stands for borderline personality disorder. One is a mental illness, the other is a behavior disorder - they both cause mood swings, but have completely different sources and different treatment approaches. Sorry about that.

Answer 1

No, you did not bring it on yourself, and it is not your fault. Depression is caused by a chemical/hormonal imbalance, not anything you do.

You should feel proud of yourself that you were able to keep yourself from suicide! If you ever feel suicidal again, please call a suicide hotline, they can talk you through the bad part so you don't have to go through it alone.

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad; it's the pits, I know. And disappointing. But check with your doctor, let him/her know that the depression broke through. You may need a change in dose, or a switch to a new med.

Please take care of yourself, and good luck.

Answer 2

Wow, when I read the headline I thought right away BDP. I have it too and it can really rock you at the worst time. You didn't bring it on yourself and don't ever blame yourself for it. I strongly suggest you get people around you who understand you, love you, and don't judge you. Friends or family, it doesn't matter. I have been where you are enough times. The best thing about being Bipolar is you bounce back faster than someone with other types of depression. I know it sounds hard but force yourself to go shopping for fun things, listen to all of your ipods happy music, get out of the house, and most importaintly, do not be alone. Have someone to talk to to get you through this. Good luck.

Answer 3

i had to come to accept that life will never be what i expect it to be. I know for me that when i found myself in that spot again. I felt devastated because i did not think that i could feel that way again and i had to accept that i can not have full control of everyone( the biggest reason for me.) I need to accept that others may always fail what i would want or need for them to do to make me happy. So with years of counseling and self help tapes i learned i have the means to live and when i find all propose is gone i have to figure God has more for me and that maybe he just wants me to stay still. and listen for HIS words. he will never tell you to hurt anyone or hurt yourself, he is the only one that can make a miracle in you. You had two years of normalcy for us that is a miracle: )

Answer 4

Your battle, my dear, is a spiritual one. Please believe what I am about to tell you. God loves you more than you can even imagine. You are forgiven of all of your sins because of Jesus. He has a wonderful purpose for your life. DO NOT BELIEVE ANYTHING OR ANYONE WHO TELLS YOU DIFFERENTLY. Right now, as you read this, I pray that the Peace of God will flood your heart and his love for you will become as real as the very air that you breathe. Bless you sis and you are free! In the name of Jesus Christ!