Sister married into intolerant christian family what do i do?

Question

My sister got married in June to a seemingly great guy. At the reception I was shocked about all the gay bashing, anti-catholic rhetoric spoken by their side. My family is Catholic and I am bisexual. What is worse is that my sister decided for him and his family to become "christian" and feed into it all.

What do I do now?
What do I say to her?

My mother is saddened, father is confused, and my other sister is disappointed. I have always been able to tell her straight up what everyone is concerned about. Now, I sit here asking you all for advice because I do not know what to say.

Answer 1

Accepting sinful behavior in other people does them no good. Pointing out the sinfulness is not rejecting them. It's rejecting what is evil. We owe each other the truth.

Because some people with same sex attractions feel that they were born with such inclination doesn’t make it so. There is no proof for such an assumption. Such people assume this because they can’t remember ever feeling any other way. What we do know is that such people have not identified with the parent of their sex. There can be many reasons for this. The prevailing spin that our culture puts on this dynamic is that the culture must adapt to the need they perceive they have to live as though the behavior that such feelings suggest is good and ought to be the norm for them.

The prevailing spin that our culture suggests to all people is that everyone has a right to sexual gratification. Never mind about context; let pleasure be the guide.

The greatest fallacy in all this derives from the conclusion that if anyone suggests otherwise, he or she is passing judgment and is rejecting such people outright—as when you ask how we can be more like Jesus and accept those who are rejected. Jesus never accepted sinful behavior. He did accept sinners who were repentant and He always loved them—even in their most sinful moments.

I ask you, what is the context in which Jesus matters to us? What is the most important fact that we know about Jesus in relation to us? Quite emphatically it is Good Friday!
Good Friday is not only the day on which God revealed more about Himself than at any other time in the history of creation, it is also our context as followers of Jesus. It is on the cross that Jesus shows us how to live. It is there that He shows us what constitutes love: sacrifice. “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me (Mk 8:43).”

That God would love His creatures enough to become one of them and then suffer and die for them is beyond our ability to fully comprehend. Yet to the degree that we can appreciate what it is to suffer, to that degree we can appreciate such love. Each of us is given the opportunity for gaining such appreciation through the crosses that He allows us to have. There are many crosses that people have which prevent them from engaging in normal married life and therefore, genital pleasure. Homosexuality is only one of many. It is only when we look at our human situation in its proper context: the context of Good Friday, that we can recognize our place in it. It is only through accepting the cross of same sex attraction and offering it as a pure oblation in response to His self-gift, that such a person will know the full embrace of His nail-scared hands.

It is when we accept the cross in our lives and encourage others to accepet theirs, that we are more like Jesus—not when we water down His expectations of us! Source(s) Fr. Vincent Serpa, O.P.

Answer 2

You keep on doing what you did before she married into this new family. You love her and support her in her choice. She may have chosen to become what-ever it is they are, but her up-bringing was not like that, so when the flush of it all wears off she will start thinking on her own again. For right now leave the whole subject alone, so she isn't put in a position to defend her "new" family or her husband or herself. You may need to see a bit less of her for a while, until you can gain a calm perspective. Send her note cards, be busy, wisdom tooth extraction busy if she invites you into their turf. Ask her out to lunch when you know only she will be available, and wait. Encourage your Mom, give Dad a big hug, and in good faith say, "Sis is a smart girl, she will figure this out", and believe it. Blessings

Answer 3

My mother used to always say "there are 2 things you cannot choose for your children: their career and their spouse." It's the truth. Parents try to guide their children as best they can but then they have to let go and let them live their own life. I know you're disappointed and perhaps a bit hurt. But is she really any different today than she was before she got married? Just because she married into this kind of family doesn't mean she's going to become just like them. I agree it should've bothered her to hear some of those things but perhaps she has no clue they are really like that. Have some faith in who your sister is sweetheart. Give her a little credit. She loves you and wouldn't hurt you intentionally for the world I'm sure. I would talk to her though - tell her what you heard them say and that you couldn't believe it. She should KNOW what she married into!

Answer 4

She's your sister and it's her new family not yours. Tell her once that you...just you, the other members of your family can do this for themselves, don't be their spokesperson...were saddened by the anti-catholic anti-gay offensive utterings. Ask that before there is another two family get together if she would mention to them your families feelings on these issues and to please refrain from bringing these issues into the conversation.
Then...butt out. If the future get togethers are not to your liking you can always, with all sincerity, decline and state that regrettably you are unable to attend.

Answer 5

Looks like some ground rules are in order.
You cannot stop her in-laws from talking hate-trash to each other, but make it clear that such talk is not accepted in your home.
Let it be known that you are happy for her in her new life if she's happy. Also, let her know that the family is not going to change because she has a "new" look on the way things in life should be.
Perhaps during family get-togethers, lay down a rule that religion and politics must not be discussed. This can reduce many family tiffs.

My own family is Catholic. I put them through hell myself when I converted to the Evangical Cristian religion for 11 years. I am now a happy Episcopalian who accepts other people's points of views and lifestyles.
In time, your sister may "see the light" and let go of the hateful lifestyle that she married into. Be there for her, but don't let yourself get sucked into hating her into isolation. Even in the midst of her "new life" she may be more isolated than you know.

Answer 6

I would be very upfront and honest with her. Let her know how disappointed you are in her and that you thought that she made better decisions for herself.

Let her know that you do not appreciate the way his family spoke/acted at the reception and that you will no longer participate in activities that involve his family.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but it doesn't give them the right to address it in public and make others feel uncomfortable and unwanted.

The sooner you talk with her, the better. If your sister agrees with her "new" family, you may be ahead to cut all ties with her and save yourself from future heartbreak. Best of luck to you!

Answer 7

Wow, there is SO much here to respond to. Where to begin?

So you went to the wedding and said your sister was marrying "a seemingly great guy", meaning that you apparently liked him and that he was always nice to you. Great. Then you say that "their side" was saying things about gays and Catholics that you don't like, and suddenly you are panicked....


It's really interesting that you say "their side"...already someone is splitting the families into 'camps' on different sides and ready to prepare for war, and guess what? That person is YOU.

I would love to know specifically what you overheard people saying. At this point, of course, you would give me horrible stories about how they were saying 'gays should be killed' and/or 'all Catholics are going to hell' and so forth, just to make your case, so let's assume that they said such horrible things.

The first thing I would tell you is not to suddenly decide that your brother in law is now NOT a great guy. If people in his family were racist, for example, would you automatically assume that he is, as well? No, probably not. But because they were discussing sexuality here, you find reason to take it personally, being a "bisexual", and so you make assumptions right back immediately, being defensive.

Secondly I will address a glaringly obvious contradiction you have here. FIRST you say that your sis married into an "intolerant christian family"....then you say that your sister "DECIDED for him and his family to become 'christian'".....so which is it? First she's an innocent being dragged into (in your opinion) horror, then she's the instigator.

Next I would like to ask you why you hear a few intolerant people in the group speaking garbage and you then label the whole family "intolerant" christians....hmm. That's bias, dear, or in more plain English, it's being hypocritical, and it's prejudice. You are upset because a few people are talking about their labels for gays/Catholics and then YOU turn around and label the WHOLE FAMILY intolerant.

You ask what you should do now, or what you should say to your sister. Well, gosh...she didn't just suddenly turn into Attila the Hunness....did she?? If you could talk to her before, you should be able to talk to her now. Sit down with her, tell her SPECIFICALLY what you heard and discuss with her how it disturbed you. She's not responsible for a few people who happened to be in his (or your) family who were being ignorant. If you can't talk to your sister, it's your issue, NOT hers.

Finally I really want to say something about labeling Christians as intolerant. I will say to start with that there are a LOT of people out there calling themselves Christians who really don't have much clue how to REALLY be one.

On the one hand, God has ALWAYS given us rules to live by. On some issues He has always been very specific (i.e., black and white, "Absolute Truth") that some things are to be done, and other things are NOT to be done because they are sin. Sin by definition is disobedience to God, and separates us from Him.

On the other hand, God is NOT about hatred. Jesus Christ came to earth in human form to live and teach US how to live, and to die to provide a way for all of us sinners to make it to heaven. He was very clear that we should always LOVE sinners (which means, in short, to love EVERYBODY) and to hate sin.

As I said before, there are lots of people who don't get that. They think that they should hate sinners because of their sin....but the logical result of such thinking is that we would ALL end up in hell, because we're all sinners.

I find it sad when I hear people saying they heard a 'christian' say so-and-so, when the so-and-so they are saying is completely against what God would say. In terms of Catholics, the only real problems I have in regard to religious doctrine in the Catholic Church is that Mary, the mother of Jesus, is prayed to, and that priests are required to absolve sin. I'd be happy to discuss the specifics, in regard to doctrine, if you wish, but not here...HOWEVER I do not believe that all Catholics are going to hell any more than I believe that all woman have PMS and all French people are spineless.

If your sister and her husband accept Christ as their savior and become Christians, I pray that they will truly understand the balance between loving sinners and hating sin....and I'll pray for you, too, hon

Answer 8

let it be. why make it a problem. you can't change how people think and telling them what to say or do may start a problem. just get your word out and don't do anything else... at least they know you're offended. I bust out gay jokes too... but if someone tells me that they are offended by it... i just won't do it in front of them. i'm not going to change for some gay guy that wants to have drama. I'll be myself but a little courteous. that's all!

Answer 9

You're in for a trial aren't you? First, love your sister and don't let her new family separate you from her. Remember she hasn't adopted their views. Then, you have the opportunity to "strike a blow" for your side. How? By being yourself and yourselves. There is no question but that those folks (at least some of them) will change their tune when they see good, productive, worthwhile, folks who are different from them. Hopefully, they'll come around.

Answer 10

Seriously, let her live her life and you live yours and see which one turns out the best!

A Christian is not a disease,they have faults too. They are people that try to live in the pathway of righteousness. They are emulating Christ, through a dim looking glass.No one has always done right all the time, not even you. Learn to forgive their pettiness and search truth for yourself.