My MIL is throwing me a baby shower, but hasn't consulted me on anything. She has invited people I don't even know and didn't even inform me of who was invited/coming...I learned from other people. She didn't even tell me what time the shower is for. I feel like he shower has become about celebrating her becoming a grandmother rather than me becoming a Mom. It's alot of her friends I have never even met. Do you think this was wrong of her or am I over reacting? Also, besides the baby shower thing she keeps showing up at our new house with her hyperactive dog and letting her in and she drools on everything, terrorizes my cat, and poops in our grass and then we have to clean it up. Isn't this rude? Should I say something or let it go? I just feel it's rude to bring your animal into someone's house without asking and especially if they are going to make a mess. I want her to know how I feel about this stuff but I know she should be offended and I don't want things to be akward.
2007-07-13 08:07:37 · 24 answers · asked by I love my girl! 1 in Society & Culture ➔ Etiquette
Just wanted to clarify...I wasn't mad she invited her friends or thinking I should say anyhting about it, believe me I am grateful for the shower, I was just curious if it was normal for the hostess to invite people you don't know or if it was a little odd. I would never be mad about people coming to my shower to celebrate, I was just taken aback that so many strangers will be there, as I am very shy. Thanks for all the great answers though, I appreciate the opinions, especially on the dog issue...that was the one I've been torn over. Thx again all!
2007-07-13 20:03:29 · update #1
Yikes, this can only get worse with time. You are justified in being upset as this event is as much for you as it is anyone else. You should have a significant say in how things go down. Your friends should be a much larger component than the MIL's. You might want to consult with your future husband and see if there is a way to get you more in the loop without offending big momma. Same goes for the dog, and I love animals as much as the next guy, but that isn't acceptable. If your husband is unable to go to bat for you, this will be a disaster wating to happen.
2007-07-13 08:13:08 · answer #1 · answered by Rckets 7 · 2⤊ 1⤋
SHOWER: Maybe this is a shower for her to be a Grandma. My sisters MIL threw a shower for her friends becoming a grandma. It's new thing now I guess. Don't think of it as her friends and not knowing anything. think of it more things for your baby, more people who care about you and the baby just because of who you are. It won't hurt to just ride this party out, it will be over soon. I would call her and ask what time, where and all the other questions you have. If she says why tell her that you have other things going on and would like to schedule your time.
New House: She needs to be told by your husband that the dog is not allowed over any more. Or if the dog can be there that she needs to have it on a leash, not bother your cat and pick up anything left from the dog,ie poop! That part is rude. I would have your husband do it, it's his mom and it won't effect her the same as if it were you.
If things keep going the way they are then just put the law down ans say when the baby comes the dog will not be allowed in the house. PERIOD Sometimes you need to just deal but then sometimes you gata do what you gota do.
2007-07-13 08:31:41 · answer #2 · answered by Jenn 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
yes, the dog thing is rude and needs to be addressed - probably by your husband tho. Coming from you it will seem like you are just being mean. As far as the baby shower thing goes, she is probably just really proud and excited that you are having a baby. She wants her friends to be there so she can show off and maybe she was trying to make it a surprise and that's why you weren't informed about anything. Maybe you could just ask her if you could give her a list of the people that you feel are real important and would like to be at the shower. Some ground rules need to be set before the baby arrives tho about boundaries and respect. You certainly don't want the MIL from everyone loves Raymond on your hands. I'm sure she will be over every day to "help" after you have the baby so you may want to set things straight before hand. Good luck to you!!!
2007-07-13 08:17:41 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
The shower thing...
It may be customary to consult the Mother-to-Be now about a shower and to invite her friends but in the past, people would invite friends, family and just about anyone that would be pleased for you, to a shower. (the more the merrier!).
Not only that, but they would not tell you any of the details. It was supposed to be a surprise! They would get you to come over on some pretext and everyone would jump out and yell surprise!!
So, if her friends are nice enough to welcome this new baby by putting together a shower for you, taking their time to come and spend money on you....then why not do the gracious thing and be pleased instead of grumpy that you don't know anyone?
Your MIL may not be the witch you think she is. She is trying to get you all the stuff that you need by inviting her friends probably thinks that your friends will do the same thing also...thus doubling the chances of getting all you need!
Try to think of it that way!
The dog thing..
Speak to her about the dog's indiscretions on your lawn and the problems with kitty. She might not even know about it or think it is a big deal. It is your house and she needs to respect that. So, kindly, firmly put her in the know about your feelings.This is where you must muster up all your tact and diplomacy. But you don't have to make an enemy of her. Always sweet of her to visit, but could you leave Fido at home....
2007-07-13 10:00:37 · answer #4 · answered by Goddess of Laundry 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You need to start communicating with your mother-in-law. 1. The Dog: MIL could be offended, that's true, but the dog sounds really irritating. Just flat tell her, "Please come over and visit without the dog." Or compromise and let her bring the dog if it stays outside? Yeah, you would still have to clean up the poop later but that seems reasonable. 2. Baby Shower: Tell your MIL you need to know the date and time of the shower. Ask her about who will attend the shower. Explain that you are feeling uncomfortable, shy, ..... whatever, but you appreciate people wanting to attend the baby shower and bring gifts for your baby. Even if she's just celebrating becoming a grandmother it's not going to hurt you to smile and be gracious. Many people will love your baby that you aren't too crazy about. Good luck.
2007-07-13 08:26:56 · answer #5 · answered by Miz D 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Well I think you are wrong when it comes to the shower part. She is after all throwing it, and you are getting gifts you would not otherwise be receiving. So just grin and bear it...it comes with the package whether you like it or not. Your mother should have been involved and had a say in that too by the way. That is how you avoid things like this...let the moms hash it out! LOL
Tell her outright you don't want her to bring her dog to your house. I think that you need to get some rules established prompto in this relationship. I think this is what is really bothering you.
As a cat owner I understand. I cannot stand large drooling dogs myself who slobber over everything and slime up all the doors and windows. So I feel your pain.
Get that issue resolved upfront. Tell her you are afraid of dogs and don't want them around you or your baby and it's not good for your health to be stressed that way. Tell her to tie it up when you're at her place too.
Tough beans if she can't handle that.
But as for the shower, grin and bear it.
Tell your mom or friends or other family members how you feel and maybe they will back out of HER shower and throw you a separate shower and exclude the MIL.
2007-07-13 08:20:06 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
It sounds like your MIL is planning a surprise shower for you...if so, you have no say as to who is invited etc. If not, if it's something she told you about and you are in on...then call her up and give her the names and numbers of some of the people you'd like to attend.
Try to remember that a shower should be seen as a gift. It is a tradition but not something owed to you. If your MIL wants to throw you a shower and invite her friends, she can. After all it's her grandchild. So be gracious, open gifts, smile...etc. try to enjoy it and be thankful. I'm sure one of your friends will also give you a shower and invite your friends.
About the dog...talk to your husband. It's his mother and he should handle discussions like this with her. The last thing you want is an unpleasant relationship with the grandmother of your child.
2007-07-13 08:14:19 · answer #7 · answered by Misty 7 · 3⤊ 1⤋
I have to agree w/ you and your irritation. I think all MILs have some sort of way to get under our skin. Does your spouse have a problem saying something about the animal situation? That would be what I would address. The baby shower would be really annoying as well, but since it is just a one day event and you will actually benefit from getting more presents, I would leave that one alone. I wish you much luck!
2007-07-13 08:26:13 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Yes, it is rude, but you don't want to start a family war. Let your husband do the talking about her keeping her pets at home. Otherwise, you'll end up looking like the bad guy. As far as the shower goes, if you say anything negative, you'll look ungrateful. Graciously accept all of the gifts, enjoy the party, and when your family or friends has a shower for you, ask if you can be involved as you like. Good luck!
2007-07-13 08:14:49 · answer #9 · answered by areu4real 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
The baby shower is just one of those things you have to endure. At least you'll get some nice stuff for the baby. And I would say maybe she is proud of you too, and wants to show you off. Try to feel positive about the intent. Lots of baby shower attendees have never met the new mother. Its often just a nice excuse to socialize and to introduce you to her friends.
As for the dog, I think it would be okay to tell her that your cat gets very nervous around the dog, and would she mind leaving him in the car or at home when she visits. Tell her you love the dog and look forward to seeing him when you visit her place.
I think you are wise to be careful about how many arguments to start with her. Its good to bounce the ideas off some other people and be a bit deliberate about what you challenge her with, and be tactful as well.
2007-07-13 08:15:08 · answer #10 · answered by John M 7 · 2⤊ 1⤋