This is a rather sticky situation considering the bride is my sister-in-law. She asked me to be maid of honor, which at first I was excited about, but as time goes on I am realizing that I really don't support the idea of her getting married at all. She (and her fiance) are very very immature and can barely take care of themselves, let alone eachother, a house, and a potential family. On top of it all, my husband and I are due with our first baby 4 weeks before the wedding! So now I am putting all this stress on myself to plan parties for her, which I don't feel she deserves because she didn't do a THING for me for my wedding last year....her mother put in all the money for everything she had to pay for to be in it! She didn't help plan my shower or even give me a gift...she didn't even give my husband and me a wedding gift! I am stressing out and I really don't know how to appropriately talk to her and get out of this...HELP!
2007-07-13 07:01:02 · 21 answers · asked by su_gru 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
Just wanted to say that I appreciate everyone's input! And I wanted to mention a few other details...the wedding is Nov. 10th...I'm due Oct. 4th. Also, I was very honored at first that she asked me to be MOH and thought it meant that she really held me in high regard and wanted a closer relationship with me, but she still acts the same...doesn't call me or really anything, which is why it is very frustrating that she is expecting so much from me. The fact that she didn't give me a wedding/shower gift is a minor annoyance and a huge sign of her immaturity (of course I would never mention that to her) but it does take a role in how I feel, especially since she DOES have money...she just doesn't like to spend it on anyone besides herself. Anyway the point is...I see her as a sister, and I feel like I have to tell her how I feel and give her an honest reason of why I don't feel comfortable standing next to her at the altar with these feelings I have about the situation.
2007-07-13 17:28:00 · update #1
Well, I think you do need to get yourself out of this. You don't have the right mental attitude for it and there's no sense in spoiling it for her or for yourself. So, the best way to do it is to lay your cards on the table and be honest. Tell her that you are sorry but you can not be the maid of honor for this wedding. Tell her you don't have the type of positive feelings that you should have about her wedding and you do not want to be fake about it or lie to her and pretend you are feeling good when you're not because that's not fair to her. Tell her you don't think you can handle the responsibility or the stress of putting on the parties for her and that in addition, you also have bad feelings about the past regarding your own wedding. Be honest and tell her that you think it would be too hard to take the time out and plan all these parties for her knowing that she didn't even bother to get you a gift for your wedding. Tell her you just have to be honest with her. So apologize, back out and don't ask her for any money back that you may have spent on a dress or anything else.
2007-07-13 12:38:37 · answer #1 · answered by Sondra 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
When is the ceremony? a month from now? 6 months from now?
OK Level with the bride and bridal party that you're simply not able to complete all the necessary duties that a MOH should be doing. Stick to it.
It's the truth. You're pregnant - and you feel tired, sick, bloated etc. all the time. And you have a nursery to plan and stock. And you have to take time off work and and and. You're simply overwhelmed and just can't fulfill the duties of a MOH to the best of your abilities. Besides, you won't be able to get your dress etc. until after the baby arrives - and that you won't look your best for her special day.
Sure, the bride will whine - but that's too bad. She'll just have to ask someone else to be MOH.
DO NOT, however, voice opinions about whether or not you feel she's ready to be married. It's just that you're not able to fulfill the duties of a good MOH as you had hoped - you're pregnant and she can't argue with that.
2007-07-13 07:38:01 · answer #2 · answered by Barbara B 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you are due 4 weeks before the wedding, you ABSOLUTELY have a get out of MOH free card! Stick with that as your reason. Keep your feelings about whether she "deserves" anything completely out of it. That's just your opinion and you are entitled to it, but some things are better kept to yourself.
While every pregnancy is different, if your experience is anything like mine, you won't be physically ABLE to be in her wedding. My son had to come via c-section and I could barely stand upright, let alone stand on my feet, smile and socialize all night.
Go for the option of telling her that you don't want to ruin her day if something happens where you are unable to be there at the last minute. And tell her that you will be there in the front ro cheering her on as long as you are able to be there. Make it all about not wanting to inconvenience her.
2007-07-13 07:26:07 · answer #3 · answered by Proud Momma 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just tell her your pregnancy will interfere with your duties as MOH and she deserves someone who will have time to plan it. Tell her you were honored by the choice but you can not perform the duties of being MOH.
You can add that you are already having stress from this and the doctor said it was bad for the baby.
Be tactful. I have seen some people who I thought should never have married, get over the first several years of a rocky marriage to have a wonderful marriage.
2007-07-13 09:37:41 · answer #4 · answered by no_frills 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you are going to only have 4 weeks left in your pregnancy, it might not be a good idea to be taking on such a role. Babies and stuff that goes along with being that pregnant don't care if you are trying to help plan an wedding or not. Explain to her that you are quite worried about your ability to preform the duties associated with being the MOH. Tell her she deserves so much more than what you think you could handle being extremely pregnant and all.
Good luck.
2007-07-13 08:13:47 · answer #5 · answered by Amy P 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
As soon as possible, you need to talk to her. I'd leave out all the negativity, though. This is her wedding, and you need to be supportive. Just explain that since you'll be having the baby right before the wedding, you're not really comfortable playing such a big role in the event. She SHOULD understand and still have time to find a replacement. Be aware that you may hurt her feelings, though.
Also, if you havent left her enough time (several months) to find a replacement bridesmaid, you may just need to stick it out and make the best of the situation!
2007-07-13 07:10:58 · answer #6 · answered by corinne1029 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all, obviously she already asked you, and you agreed, so it's a little late to be complaining about her. Secondly, she asked you to be in her wedding, not worry about whether you approve of them or not - it's really none of your business. If you're upset that she didn't give you a gift or help with your shower, then you should have told her no from the start. But you didn't, and you'll only make yourself look spiteful if you back out. As far as the baby, why don't you wait until the wedding is closer to use that for an excuse....the thing is is that you knew all of this before!!!
2007-07-13 07:33:42 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Being in a wedding that is so close to your due date IS stressful and risky for all involved, it's not just an excuse. Talk to her right away and explain that you didn't anticipate what being pregnant would do to your energy levels and ability to handle stress. Explain that you are concerned about your due date being so close to her wedding date and that for all of those reasons, you regrettfully have to back out of standing up in the wedding. There is no need to say anything else to her because airing your opinion of her marriage, maturity level or past hurt over your own wedding would just cause more hurt feelings.
2007-07-13 08:09:12 · answer #8 · answered by Jbuns 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Do it today, as soon as possible. Don't tell her anything about you not being in favor of her getting married, bottom line is, it is none of your business. Also with her doing nothing for your wedding, water under the bridge. How much her mother paid, again none of your business. Her lack of gifts for you? Who cares, it was a year ago. Old news.
It is not only an excuse, it is the truth, being in a wedding while recovering from a birth and a new baby around, that is too much for you. Just tell her that.
2007-07-13 07:41:32 · answer #9 · answered by danashelchan 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
How much time is left? I'm assuming less then 9 months, if you're pregnant. If the wedding plans are too finalized and your dress has not been ordered, I would sit her aside and explain the situation.
Normally, I would stay you are stuck in your position. But, since you're pregnant, I think it's a different situation. Explain to your sister-in-law that the wedding is too close to your due date. I would explain that you are afraid that you might even go into labor before or during the wedding. Pre-mature labor is not uncommon.
2007-07-13 07:08:11 · answer #10 · answered by Answer Girl 2007 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋