i just found out that my girlfriends ex boyfriend hit her how do i cope with that?

Question

i just want to hurt the guy i cant even think about it she told me she did the best she could and ran but i think thats crap i just want to teach him a lesson and beat the sh** out of him. i cant figure out what to do but i need to do something and i do know that

Answer 1

First of all, I wish to offer both you and your girlfriend my condolences. No one should have to deal with abuse; although you may not have been involved, as you are dating her now, it still affects you. Therefore, I'm sorry that the two of you have to deal with this.

*I know this is a stereotypical answer, but before anything else, I'd recommend you ensure that the incident was reported to authorities. Even if you, your girlfriend, or both of you find it unnecessary, look at it this way: if your girlfriend told you, it's obviously something that affected her. It's something that she needed you to know; not only would it have caused her physical pain, but emotional distress, as well. And further, it affects you--it's obvious that you're struggling with how to deal with this. If this goes unreported, it's possible that her ex will do this again. Do you really want another woman to go through this, and her future boyfriends, as well? I certainly hope not.

*First of all, be honest with your girlfriend. Make sure she knows that you love and care about her, and if something from her past is still hurting her, you'd like to know. Furthermore, make sure she understands that you'd like to help her in any way you can; be an emotional pillar.

*As for your girlfriend moving on; even if there are no physical signs of abuse, the emotional scars run deep--trust me; I know this from experience. She most likely can't just, "move on," she needs to confront it, and deal with it. Ignoring the problem leads to denial; which is good for no one. So if you'd like to help, don't ALWAYS distract her. Make sure this doesn't control your relationship, but also make sure you're not pretending it didn't happen. Because, after all, it DID happen--that can't be changed, so it's best to confront it; use it as a learning experience.

*Your girlfriend may try, in the future, to deny this--abusive boyfriends are often able to intimidate their victims into feeling they deserve it, or similar things, and the abused one will keep going back. If she tries to tell you she's okay, that he's a great person, and such--I wouldn't recommend listening; just try to help her to see what jackasses abusive people are.

*Talk to her, but listen, too. Just let her say whatever she needs to. Above all else; help her to be certain that you'll never harm her as her ex did. Any victim of physical abuse is likely to express reserve when faced with a new relationship; make sure she knows you're not a jackass like he was.

*I took a look at your other questions, and it says that your gf lives with her ex--if it's the same guy, GET HER THE **** OUT OF THERE. Or, get him out; either way--she can't be around him. If he hurt her once, there's no guarantee he won't do it again. If that's the only place your gf has to live at the moment, she may be afraid to tell anyone; scared that she'll be kicked out--if it happens, and she doesn't speak up, she could be seriously hurt both emotionally and physically.

*Don't beat the **** out of the guy. This could land you in serious trouble, maybe even jail--if you're locked up, you won't be there to help your girlfriend. Instead, I'd just spread the word to local police, or even just mention to a few people that you heard he hit one of his ex-girlfriends--you don't have to say it was your girlfriend that was hit; just spread the news. Making sure he doesn't do it again is difficult, but it's a lot easier if he doesn't have anyone around to hurt.

*Although I don't recommend it, direcly confronting the guy is an option. But I'd say there's a pretty good chance it would get physical; don't go there. Still; if your girlfriend is adament that she doesn't want police involved, confrontation is always an option. But if I were you, I'd at least have a back up there, a friend (preferably male), that both you and your girlfriend trust. If it does get physical, he can be there to break it up.

*It is possible that: as a parent grows up a certain way, their children do the same as their parents. And as your girlfriend was abused, she, too, may become abusive. However, you seem fairly level-headed; it seems to me that you'll know if you're in danger; it's not something I'd worry about. And I have to add; not to be stereotypical, but most men are stronger than women. If in fact she does become abusive, you should get out of it, but I doubt any real harm would come to you. I don't think it's something you need to be too concerned with.

*Someone above stated that it's HER problem--in my opinion, it's yours, too. When you enter a relationship with someone, you develop an emotional bond; you should be able to share anything--her emotions DO affect you greatly; you should be there for her when she needs help. And if someone says you shouldn't confront the boyfriend because it's not your problem, screw that. If it's something you feel passionately about, it's worth it to take a stand--for everyone, not just you and your girlfriend.

*All in all, be there for your girlfriend. With whatever she decides to do, she needs emotional support from someone loving and caring--from what it sounds like, you're a good person for that. So give her your love and kindness, and help her with what she needs.

Answer 2

Hey there

This is quite serious, and complicated.

First, I have an idea how you feel, having been there before myself. However, I've learned that there are some strange people around, and I'm NOT saying your gf is one of them, who enjoys getting rough with each other as part of a relationship. This usually point to deep psychological disturbances, and I feel sad for people who have to be that way.


I'm more worried that your gf has managed to make you feel "beaten" up by this guy as well, to the point where you want to commit violence against him. It shows she has a lot of power over you.

Listen to her when she speaks about the beating up. Did she beat up on him as well? For you sake, I am going to say the following to you. If your gf displays ANY aggressive behavior in any way, especially against men, then I would warn you to put a fair distance between you and her. You can often hear it in the way a person talks, the language they use, and the words they use. They usually talk down about a man, and it shows terrible gender issues inasfar as power is concerned.

For you sake, again, just be very careful not to be manipulated into doing anything stupid, which would land you in trouble. It was HER relationship, HER choices, and HER problem. If he does come after her in any way, I'm sure you'll be able to be a gentleman and protect her.

Until then, distance yourself from her pain, and just be quietly supportive.

Last, if any sign of violence, even sexually, arise in your relationship, then you need to seriously consider getting out of it. You cannot fix her past, nor her choices. If she was stupid, then it was her choice to learn the hard way. Surely, you've made your fair share of stupid choices in life? So have I.

Don't make her ex part of your relationship, by spending so much emotional involvement on him. Also, if you find out she's contacting him in ANY way, then you'll know that she was not really intimidated or afraid of him, and that you should get out! get out! get out! before it's too late.

I hope her past relationship was nothing more serious than a man losing his self control with a woman, which is terrible already, and that both of you can forgive this dude and move on with YOUR relationship, knowing that terrible things can quickly happen in any relationship.

The best form of revenge is success. Be successful together, and be happy. Don't let her memories, your anger, or another person's behavior spoil your happiness. Is he really so powerful to make you feel this way? Deny him bro. Take charge, and just help your gf to move on, if that is what she really wants to do.

Good luck.

Answer 3

The fact that you are jealous of the time this child spends with his father is a huge red flag. You are not emotionally mature enough to handle a relationship with a father who has a child with another woman. First off, you need to accept that you will ALWAYS be number two and the child will ALWAYS come first - this is how it SHOULD be and you should recognize this and accept it. If you cannot then you should get out of the relationship. It should not matter that the child love you like a mother or that you love him. As a step parent all you have to do is keep the child's best interest at heart - it truly does not matter if you love him like your own or not and the fact that you are so emotionally disturbed by this is also a huge red flag. You do not have to love him like your own - you just have to love his father, care about him, and treat him fairly when you have your own kids with this man.

Answer 4

Does the ex-boyfriend still hit her or did he used to hit her?

If he used to hit her, then there isn't much you can do. Just let your girlfriend know that you love her. Don't go threatening the ex-boyfriend, that will just start even more of a problem.

If he still hits her, then you should report him, first warn him of the consequences of not stopping.
I hope my advice helped you out. Everything will turn out ok. God Bless =)

Answer 5

Be supportive to your girlfriend, and show her that you are nothing like her ex. It is understandable that you would want to hurt anyone that has hurt her, but it won't make the situation better. It's in the past and it should stay that way.

Answer 6

I understand your need to protect her honor and extract vengeance but it'll be best for all concerned if you leave it alone. If she wants to press charges, support her but do NOT get into it with her ex. Really, it's none of your business. It happened but not on your watch so let it go. Stewing about it will just harm what you have with her. Finally, what if you got hurt or worse by the ex. How's she gonna feel then?

Answer 7

okay. first off, its your gf's ex right?
how long ago was it?
actually i can understand why you're angry. but honestly, i dont think you should do anything if it happened in the past except to treat your gf right and let her know that you'll never let anyone hurt her again.
protect her from now on. but what's happened in the past, you should let it go. the same goes for your gf as well.
no point hitting the guy or anything. you'll just make things bad for yourself. when that happens, how are you going to look after your gf then?

Answer 8

of course i feel your pain BC my bf did that too me. but above all, listen to her pain as much as she listens to yours.if you are honest with her, she will be honest with u. That is what makes a relation ship special.

Confront the Sh** head but don't beat him up. Tell the Authorities. but remember, be sure to tell her. But also dont let her just walk out the door of your life.

Good luck with the Jacka**!
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Answer 9

step up and defend what is yours. if i were you i would be breaking his arm so bad that he would be afraid to ever hit anything ever again. Guys who hit girls arent man enough to take on men.

Answer 10

hey ill gladlly help u bro i hate that ****.... but if u let it go u dont have to worry about getting in ****... he'll get what's commin 2 him and as for u enjoy ur girl and make her feel great bro.... all girls want is support and effecting