To waiters: Was it okay for me to ask?

Question

A while back, there were a lot of threads on YA about poor tipping among blacks. I am black. I go to a lot of restaurants. My friends and I always tip 20%. So, I was shocked to read the comments on YA, b/c I never knew it was a real issue.

I even discussed the matter with my friends, who then swapped embarrassing stories of dining with cheap relatives and co-workers. And that made me more curious about the topic.

Well, last weekend I decided to do my own research. After eating dinner and paying the bill, I very diplomatically asked the waiter if he found that African-Americans tend to tip less. He (also very diplomatically) said yes, and it prompted a brief and good discussion.

I appreciated the waiter's frankness and honesty, but I got mixed reactions from my friends for what I did. One friend was so mortified that he left the table to wait outside.

Even though it's a little awkward, I want to ask more waiters this question. Do you think it's okay or inappropriate?

btw: There were four of us eating, and the waiter is a Caucasian male. I prefaced my question by saying something like: "I want to ask you a personal question, and although it's a little awkward, I'd really appreciate your honest opinion...."

I did forewarn my friends before asking the question. The one who left the table is probably the biggest tipper among all our friends. He's just uncomfortable with this kind of stuff. However, we all had a spirited conversation in the car.

My friends are all black professional men, and it's surprising how this simple topic has triggered reactions and deep-rooted opinions among us. I'm truly fascinated by it. (Put Obama on hold!!)

Also, it's been only 4+ hours since I posted the question. I was bracing myself for the YA "crazies", but I'm pleasantly surprised; such good and thoughtful responses from all of you, so far. Thank you!!

Answer 1

Having done my time in food service, I can say I'm sure the waiter didn't mind at all... as a matter of fact, he probably appreciated your candor and sensitivity, because wait staff are used to being part of the "invisible people"... those 'ghosts' that just drift around the periphery of our lives. And he was probably GLAD to engage in a little 'education' about the tipping issue.

As for the people you dined with, I'd tell them to stuff it. It's none of their concern what you discussed with the server! They were just being rude, in my opinion.

I'd say continue to ask away... and we'd be curious to see what your informal survey conclusions are!

Answer 2

Hi. I am not a server, but I do provide a service for the public in which a tip is customary. I am a hairstylist. When I go to restaurants, the least tip I will leave is 15%, and that is when the service is horrible. The tip never reflects anything the server cannot control. I used to live in a bigger city, where the tips (for me) were much greater. I now live in East Tennessee, where if I work a shift, I am lucky to get a tipfrom each person. I don't normally have black clients, but I work in a shop with a woman who does. She makes better tips than anyone else. And actually, I find that Mexicans usually do tip well, at least the men. As far as servers go, I have the utmost respect for them, because I know it is a job that I could never do. Also, I want to say that just because you choose to go to a restaurant where the food costs less than somewhere else, that the server there does not deserve less tip money for the same work. In that case, the percent of the tip should be higher in regard to the total bill. I believe this goes for any type of service. I also believe that in most cases, people who work for tips (or have in the past), generally tip better. I hope this helps

Answer 3

I have been serving at different restaurants and in different towns for about 5 years. I have found that it really depends on the person who is tipping. I have found that on AVERAGE African-American's tip a little less. I am not saying that all of them do but the places where I have worked this is the case.Last weekend I was tipped less than $6 on a family of 6 people whose bill was well over $100. They never had any complaints, they were even joking with me and one of my co-workers during their entire stay, so I was very surprised when I recieved such a small tip. We even gave one of the women a free breakfast because it was her birthday. This is a fine dining restaurant with a champagne brunch and beautiful outside deck, so it is a little on the expensive side but I think that if u cannot afford to tip your server than maybe u shouldn't be going out to eat.

Answer 4

I've waitressed the majority of my life and to be quit honest it is not only limited to the African American community, I have found the people from England do not tip at all. I was told that in the United Kingdom the tip is included in the bill (which in the States only happens when there is a large party - usually of 6 or more)
What bothers me is that people seem to think that paying for your food is all you have to do. No you are also paying me to wait on you. If you do not want to have to tip then prepare your own food and serve it to yourself AT HOME. Also, people of middle class tend to tip better than people of upper class. Ironic as it is, but then again that is why the rich get richer and the poor get poorer. I have said to upper class people that they can keep their mediocure tip b/c obviously that 5 dollars means so much to them. I'd rather keep my pride than have your tainted 5 dollar bill. I know this is rather harsh but I am working for tips, my 3 dollar an hour pay isn't going to pay for my education nor help my headache from customers who think I owe them. Everyone should try and waitress/waiter as it humbles you, and teaches how to really deal with the public in a pious way. I always appreciated candid frank people. If you can't ask a question then what have we become. I say good for you for asking the question. Your friends who waited outside were probably the culprits you were asking about and hide that under it being appropriate or not.

Answer 5

It's probably fine to ask, but you might not always get the same honest and open response. Some waiters will not want to discuss the matter with you, so don't be surprised if you don't always get a good reaction.

You might also mention to your companions what you are planning to do *before* you do it. While I wouldn't worry about it if one of my friends did this, I know a number of people who really react badly if anyone starts a discussion with the staff.

Best wishes in your research. I had never heard this comment, either!

Good luck :-)

Answer 6

Of course it is OK to ask. In my years of serving. Everyone told me that the French Canadians were the worse tippers. But I found that this was not the case. I made a lot of money just from being a good server! I also tip 20% but when they are not adequate I tip 15%. And more if they are very good servers. IE: knowing when "not" to bother you :)

Answer 7

I have an older friend who used to think one dollar was an adequate tip no matter what the total was. I would just throw some extra money on top until he finally realized his cheapness was an embarrassment to me too.

Answer 8

Yes you can ask whatever you want-if your friends feel wierd then do it on the side- There are a lot of cheap tippers in this world of all ethnic groups and religions! Good luck on your survey!

Answer 9

I don't think it was awkward for you to ask - but I do believe it was awkward for the waiter to answer you! In fact, if someone had made a complaint after, I assure you, that waiter would have been fired for making that bigoted remark. It may have been his view, that's fine, but he's working - working for a company who probably would hate to know their employees are making bigoted comments while working!!!!!!

Answer 10

You don't need to ask. Its true. (but you're putting the waiter on the spot there. I'd be uncomfortable asked that at work) More cheapos- lawyers, insurance salesmen, teachers, mexicans. It's not just blacks. Peace.