Placing a child for adoption...?

Question

I found out many months ago i was pregnant and after many weeks of counselling and talking to excellent people i decided to place my child for adoption. it was unplanned and i am in absolutely no position to give a child the life i would want it to have. i am completely fine with this and a wonderful family who cannot conceive naturally have been selected (they already have one adopted son).

i am due to give birth in the next few weeks and am taking everything in my stride and being very level headed about it all. i just wanted to know if anyone has been through this situation and had any advise or just experiences?

many, many thanks xxx

in answer to a couple of people, i do appreciate your advice but i am certain about the adoption process. i am single, young and financially unstable and i am not prepared to give a child a life i wouldn't want it to lead. i would much rather provide a family with a child they have prepared for and can give the love and time that i can't at this time in my life.

i certainly do not have doubts. i just would like to be as educated and mature about this as possible, so i can deal with everything slowly but appropriately.

i have written a letter for the whole family as a unit, which they can share together.

Answer 1

Oh my. Not to your question, but to the answers to this question. There are quite a few attempting to feed you the adoption koolaid here.

I have been through this situation before and I sounded much like you. Adoption was what I was choosing, so much so that I wrote my other options off before the birth. I didn't look at parenting resources, I didn't get proper counseling that really had me look at why I was placing. I decided almost immediately that this was what I was going to do and believed whole heartedly that I could relinquish my child and everything would go back to how it was before.

When I matched with the potential adoptive family, I decided I was an incubator to their baby. I let them into the birth and insisted that they be the first to hold their son.

I coerced myself by doing that and consequently eleven years later, those are the issues that still bother me.

I'm not entirely sure there is a good way to prepare. I think if I had to do it all over again, I would honor the process of deciding between adoption and parenting better. Part of the problems I have had in the years since relinquishment is coming to terms with not being my own advocate. Not only did I relinquish my child, I relinquished my judgment to other people's advice for fear of either being too needy, or out of fear of making the situation worse.

So with that, I say honor the process. You cannot decide that you will relinquish your baby for adoption until after birth. You can make an adoption plan though. You can look at profiles and pre-match with a potential adoptive family. Keep in mind that this is just a plan, and the potential adoptive family is just that... potential. It is so easy to let yourself think of your baby as theirs instead of yours. It is so easy for potential adoptive parents to think of your baby as theirs and not yours. Be kind to everyone involved and not let that assumption be made. This is your baby until the termination of parental rights is signed. They should not accompany you to doctor's appointments. They should not be at the birth because of how easy it is lose sight of the huge choice you have to make after the baby is born. If you still choose adoption, they will have a lifetime to bond with your child.

If you were to choose adoption after your baby is born, realize that every moment of the time you have with your baby will be forever etched in your memory. Hold your baby. Take the time to absorb that time in. While some say the thought of looking or holding will make the separation hurt more, the lack of holding or looking hurts way more in the years to come.

Also, look at all your options. You need a parenting plan in place. You cannot make an informed decision without know all of your options. In fact, the pressure placed on you to relinquish without a parenting plan is that much worse.

Here are some good links to get some serious thought into what is to come:
Safeguarding the rights and well being of birthparents in the adoption process
http://www.adoptioninstitute.org/publications/2007_01_Birthparent_Study_All.pdf

This is a website written by a birthmother to help give information about open adoption in a non-biased way.
http://www.openadoptioninsight.org/

Discussion boards to help find resources and get more information about your choices.
http://www.singlepregnancy.com/...
http://www.girl-mom.com/
http://soulofadoption.com/

Also, take a million zillion pictures of you pregnant and those few days after birth.

Answer 2

You must be a wonderful person to make such a difficult decision. Well done for having the courage to do what is right for you and the baby. I have never been through this, but I will never forget what it was like to hand over my stillborn son to the doctors and to leave hospital with empty arms and an aching heart. Even though you want to give up your baby, your hormones will be screaming for you to change your mind. Be strong and do what you think is best . I wish you, your baby and the adoptive family all the love and luck in the world. Please let us know how everything works out. God Bless xxx

Answer 3

I can't offer advice because I can't imagine the position you're in, but I'm an adoptive mother of one and a biological mother of two, all three of whom are grown now. I can tell you that it is entirely possible for a mother to love her adopted child in every bit the same way, and every bit as much, as her biological children.

Something that has occurred to me, though, is that when my son was grown up he got a letter from an agency that said his biological mother wanted to meet him. He had no interest, and I said, "Can you just call them back and tell them you're ok. She deserves that much." He did, and he ended up meeting his biological mother. She was disappointed to see how different he was from her other children, although he does look like a couple of them. He had been raised by completely different people and was very different.

Be prepared for the fact that your child's development and personality will be affected by the family who raises him or her. It may be helpful for you to realize that the child who is raised by another family will be a very different child than if he or she were raised by you. Keeping in mind that the child you place in an adoptive home will change and won't be the same child had you raised him or her may help keep you from always thinking about "your" child.

www.zerotothree.org has a good article on how nurturing in the first three years of life affects the formation of brain connections. If you read that it may help you see how much the baby will benefit from parents who are ready and able to nurture those brain connections. There's an article on something like "nurturing and brain development in the first three years" that talks about how a mother who can't offer what the child needs can stop certain brain connections from forming and how that can affect the child's stress response and immune system for the rest of his life.

Reading this article may help you feel yet even more sure of your decision.

Even as an adoptive mother, I wish all biological mothers could/would be able to keep their babies; but I respect your choice and realize that I don't understand what you're going through.

Sincere best wishes to you. You are making a very unselfish decision.

Answer 4

I am adopted and let me say: I applaud you for having the COURAGE and unselfish love it takes to give up your child for adoption. Most American families who seek to adopt are very loving people who will take very good care of your child. While financial stability isn't the only factor, it will certainly give your child more opportunities. You are doing a wonderful thing. You WILL need closure because I know in about 10 years, you'll wonder how he or she is doing. If you feel it will give you closure, I would write a heartfelt letter to your child letting him or her know how much you loved him or her. How this was the most important decision you ever made and that you made it to give him or her a better life. I'm sure the adoptive parents will also raise this child knowing how much he or she is loved as well. You are doing a brave and wonderful thing.

Answer 5

HEY< I'M A BIRTHMA.
I dove into all and any adoptioon book I could get my hands on. I tried to play it all cool headed and you sound like me in my 8th month. I'm going to let you know tho, that NOTHING can prepare you for that day in the hospital when you hand your baby over and walk out of there with nothing. It is painful, and you'll cry, just take your emotions as they come, don't hold back. having emotions make you human. That's pretty much the life lesson I learned from my experience. I'm passing it onto u. From here on out, read post adoption stories written by the birthmothers point of view. You do need an open heart for adoption, and it'll teach you so much.

Answer 6

Although I have never gone through what you have I think what you are doing is wonderful. I am preparing to adopt and I often use the top link to gather information. The second link is a specific link within the first that has birth-mother stories that you could read for support. The third is also a link off of the first that is specifically for birth mothers. This site also has an adoption chat forum if you are interested.

These days open and semi-open adoptions are very popular and really good for the child in question. I implore you to make an open or semi-open adoption a part of your adoption plan.

Answer 7

Hey there i dont have a cue how you must feel i woudnt want to i just ant you to know that as a mother and i do want more and to adopt that i wish you all the luck and support you can get and if yu need t chat when things get hard we are always here there will always be people who are against all kinds of things but were all human and we all have different needs just promise me one thing be there if your child comes ooking for you and all the best xx

Answer 8

I haven't been there, but the only advice I can think of (surprised it hasn't already been brought up) is to have a frank, honest discussion with the adoptive family about the degree of openness you desire in the adoption. For the record, I don't think you're being at all selfish and I wish you the absolute best!
<3 Kelsey

Answer 9

I don't know if this helps you any but I understand your circumstance. I had my first child very young (16) and I decided to keep her and raise her. I just wanted to let you know that if the adoptive family falls through I would be willing to take your baby for you in an open adoption setting. I am married. I have a 21 yo daughter and a 10 yo son. God bless you and your decision.

All my best~

Answer 10

WOW! Kudos to you for thinking this through and making a positive difference in your child's life! I was impressed by the wonderful use of proper adoption language in your question which shows me that you have thought this through and I wish you all the best.

Blessings to you for making such a difficult decision.