are some people too damaged to be married? should we have to pass a test?

Question

OK- I 've put the question forward- why marry the girl unless she is a virgin. People have asked several what if questions-
we don't have to go into details. But my question is, isn't it endangering your future family to marry someone with psychological problems from abusive ex-boyfriends, traumatic experiences, etc etc etc etc. Some bad things do happen to people that they can't control...and some people have horrible crosses to carry. Some people are broken.
Why is it so bad to limit the person you would marry to virgins only. Doesn't this show something in this persons character, that they commit to a personal belief more than someone that is oK with a societal flaw? Doesn't a marriage that starts with less baggage have more of a chance of lasting, and less psychological damage to the children?
A lot of societies values are after affects of the whole hippy thing? Sex and drugs have damaged this countryso we have that whole movement to thank. what do you think?

Answer 1

If you can find someone to marry that has absolutely no psychological baggage, more power to you.

The only problem with that is... they don't exist.

Now, my question is... what does being a virgin have to do with psychological baggage? I will happily admit that I have been a non-virgin for a lot of years... and I have tons of baggage. But... not one little bit of it has anything to do with past sexual experiences. Is your theory that psychological baggage messes up marriages and families? Or is it that premarital relationships mess up the marriage and family?

Frankly, you're question is very badly stated, and based on several very biased opinions.

If emotional baggage scares you, you might as well cross off from your list : people from broken homes, anyone who's ever experienced the death of a loved one, people who were made fun of in school, anyone who's ever been overweight, everyone who's ever been very sick, people who struggled with grades, anyone who's parents physically hurt them, rape victims.... it goes on and on and on. Every single person in this world has had something bad happen to them at one point or another.


Now... if you are saying this from a religious stand point... then more power to you. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be with someone who has the same values and beliefs as you.

But keep in mind that not everyone does share those beliefs, and I think you should have some respect for that, even if you don't agree.

Answer 2

Looks like I need to let the air out of a few of your misconceptions:
1. Being a virgin does not automatically mean that the girl is automatically pure as the driven snow, which is the first assumption that you are making.
2. Psychological problems are not always linked to someone's sexual history. Someone can have had sexual experiences and not be "damaged goods" or "broken."
3. Being a virgin does not always mean the person was never abused, virginity does not always show strength of character.
4. Everyone who marries has a past, where good and bad things happened to them and they did good and bad things. Marriage does not cure a person's flaws, as you seem to be hoping for.
5. The "whole hippy thing" happened decades ago, and society is affected by everything that goes on, every day. Sorry to call you on something again, but sex and drugs have been going on from the beginning of time in every culture -- not just 1960's America.

Okay. Having said all of that, I don't have a problem if you choose to limit your dating pool to virgins only. That's your choice, and no one is forcing you to choose the limitation. I am just calling you on your outdated, anachronistic generalizations that you made here in your question. How can you really be certain that the woman you are marrying is a virgin? She might be afraid of your strong opinions to ever admit to the whole truth of her past.

What you are attributing to the 1960's, sex, drugs and rock 'n roll is a term I am going to call "societal evolution." Society changes over time with both the good and bad things that happen to evolve into a new form. It's totally your choice to open your eyes and look at all of society, or cling to dead ideals of the past-- including demanding that the woman you marry be a virgin or else.

I challenge you to turn around, mentally step forward and become aware of the societies of the world around you to make your choices.

Answer 3

I think it is great to marry a person who still has their virginity, but just because you are on the good side of this extreme doesn't make it right. Nobody would be quick to marry a previous nymphomaniac but that doesn't mean that they don't deserve love. You have to be open minded when it comes to people because everyone falls short sometimes. I have a question for you: What if you were in love with someone who had been sexually assualted but never had sex at will? They aren't a virgin, but they didn't choose to have sex. A person with less baggage is nice, but experience is something that happens over time. Everyone has some type of baggage but whether they carry it on their back or keep it in the closet and pull from it from time to time is the difference between psychologically healthy people and unstable people. Don't be so cut and dry with this one because there are good people out there.

Answer 4

I really don't understand what's the point f this questions of yours...OK do you wanna marry a virgin, that's fine.I suppose you too are a virgin, otherwise i must say you are not in a position to demand that from the girl. But i don't think it's right of you to put everyone with some sort of "baggage" or "broken" out of your choices....because has some people answered here almost everyone in life will get hurt...and if we get someone with your way of thinking i am sure we will be much more hurt lol!

Answer 5

I'm guessing by your use of certain cliches--and, let's face it, discussion of pre-marital virginity--that you're operating from an essentially evangelical Christian perspective. I'm also assuming you're youngish. When you consider someone as a Christian spouse, is it fair to consider things that happen in their lives before conversion? What if they had sex in hs and converted to Chrisitianity in college? Does that count? Further, what definition of virginity are you operating under? Sure there's penis-and-vagina-sex. But there are many other sexual things peple do. What line are you drawing between acceptable and unacceptable behaviors? What's the basis for your line? Christ himself said that lust of the eyes is commiserate to the physical expression of that lust. By Christ's definition are you a virgin? Is emotional virginity involved here? Some people have sex without emotional connection. Some people have emotional connection without sex--including people who don't kiss until their wedding day but who treat multiple partners with spousal intimacy. What about that?

Secondly, I'm not convinced that "less baggage" equals better relationships. I know a lot of people who have entered baggage-free into relationships and found that they lacked the tools to resolve conflicts or even perspective that hey, sometimes people who love each other screw up. Baggage isn't always bad. Baggage teaches us things and, if you'll forgive metaphor, its weight can strengthen us.

Hippy schmippy. Sex and immorality is as old as sin.

I'm not saying it's wrong to want to marry someone who's a virgin. I'm just saying that it's wrong not to think very hard about how this value affects the way you to treat others and about what's really important in a relationship. Is purity and fidelity of the heart and even ethics and character instantly equatable with the presence of a hymen?

Answer 6

I agree that a person has a right to whether they marry a virgin or not and I see your point as to why a virgin may be less damaged however at the same time I was raised to believe that if you're a virgin and you are raped then you are still a virgin because rape is a violent attack having more to do with control than sex, most rapists even admit that they do not consider it a sexual act...also because the victim did not choose to lose said virginity, rape damages you yet you remain a virgin by most state laws and religious beliefs.....this also brings up other things such as a person who was physically abused by their father at a young age but who also went to counseling and has recovered from the trama

the fact is that nowadays everyone is "damaged" in someway! no one had a healthy relationship with their parents and siblings-most people get raped or mugged sometime in their life---heck, you're probably damaged in alot of women's eyes so who are any of us to judge or put the label "damaged" on another person? if you believe in the lord then you probably also believe He is the only one who reserves the right to judge -and- you can't help who you fall in love with...real love that is (most people confuse what love is nowadays)

Answer 7

That is a very interesting way for you to look at things. Are you a virgin or do we mark your name off the list of people worth loving. I agree that moral standards are lack compared to previous generations & People would be better off if they had never done drugs or drink but what ever you go through in life you will learn from it. There comes a time when your Happy with who you are & none of it matters after a while

Answer 8

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Answer 9

I totally agree with you! It's only a matter of time before society realizes this and people wake up to change what they find acceptable to do before marriage while still dating. Thank you for asking this question.

Answer 10

I guess that has some sense to it !! But in a way we kinda do have to pass a test !! Now I can understand that some relatuonships get started based on LOOKS !?! nothing wrong with that !! It's called ATTRACTION at some degree !! But if you get to know better or examine that plant/flower that you want to pick; Examine & thoroughly!?!; You may see that unseen thorn that you may need to have caution of !.