Is it bad etiquette to hit your mother-in-law with a shovel?

Question

Okay, okay, I'm just being sarcastic on that one. I wouldn't really hit her with a shovel. But she IS getting under my skin. Here's how.

Basically, she acts like I am some kind of degenerate unworthy of being in her family. (She didn't even come to my and my wife's wedding). Every time she calls the house and I answer, she'll say, "Can I speak to my daughter please?" Not "Hello Jon, how are you today?" or even a freaking "Hi" or "Hello," just a "Can I speak to my daughter please?" spoken in a polite, but chilly tone of voice.

Another thing: When she comes over, she really likes to talk about my wife's exes. In fact, when she was over this past Saturday, she said to my wife---with me sitting right there in the room---"You know, honey, I was at the store yesterday, and I ran into Mike." (Mike's the ex she dated before meeting me). "He looked so nice. Tell me again, why did the two of you break up? He was such a good catch."

She just does all this passive-aggressive stuff, and it gets to me. She does more than just these two things, and I could explain more, but I think you get the point. I know it probably shouldn’t get to me, but it does. I also find it kind of ironic, because I’m a guy, and I always thought that it was the FATHER-IN-LAW that guys couldn’t get along with. I thought mothers-in-law only went after their daughters-in-law whom they felt weren’t good enough for their precious little boys.

Answer 1

If I didn't know any better I would sware you were speaking about my mother!! What a witch. She knows exactly what she is doing and make no mistake it is very much deliberate!! She doesn't have enough guts to confront you so she's gonna make you crazy with bull.
She didn't manage to split you two up before you got married so now she is doing her damnedest to split you up now. In a very "who me?" way. First off, if I were you I would get caller ID and never answer the phone when she calls. When she brings up the old boyfriends....I would smile and say, something along the lines of "isn't it wonderful that she waited for me?" or "I'm thankful ____ let her go so we could find one another." My sister-in-law used to do the same thing to me....my husbands ex was her best friend and she always felt the need to bring her up. I got tired of it and smiled at her one day and asked her if she wanted me to feel jealous.. because I wasn't. I was the one with the ring & promise from her brother and she was just one of his stepping stones to me. Funny, I haven't heard a story about her in YEARS! And remember above all else....don't force your wife to choose, and don't blow up at her about her mother (and don't got postal at mommy). Mother/daughter relationships are very complicated and you REALLY don't want to get in the middle. If all else fails, just kill her with kindness. The nastier she gets, the more polite and nicer you get. It will drive her NUTS! Hang in there and good luck.

Answer 2

While there is little you can to about her not saying Hi to you (just shrug it off), your WIFE should be stepping up to the plate on the EX stuff.

I would have LEAPED on this chance!!
She should be saying stuff like, "Oh my god, Mom! Mike was ANYTHING but a "good catch"!"
She should then launch into expounding PROUDLY and enthusiasticly about all the reasons why she picked YOU, why those other guys suk, and why you are the most wonderful man in the world. She should be positively GUSHING about why you are the love of her life! She should be explaining in detail why she is SO GLAD she didn't stay with Mike and found YOU instead to spend her life with!

She should get all teary-eyed, and scoot closer to you and put her arm around you!

And honestly, this should not be a problem, since she DID pick YOU. There must be lots of reasons why you are the one for her and those other guys are not. She should be using her mother's attempt at nastiness to sing your praises!!

She should not let anything her mother says daunt her, but should let them spur her to greater heights of spousal appreciation instead!

That'll shut the wench up. Might even make her see you for the great catch YOU are! (but don't hold your breath)

Of course, you should chime in one-for-one with praise for your wife!
"And I thank the heavens every day that you didn't stay with Mike. You are the best thing that ever happened to me."
For every good thing she says about you, say something good about her. Again, none of this should be a problem, you picked her for a reason! This is your chance to shout those reasons to the world!
If anything will get you into your MIL's heart, it will be praise for her daughter and how well her daughter was raised. Even to the point of thanking MIL for bringing into the world such a precious woman.

Good Hunting! And HAVE FUN!!
Your wife might end up having to ask her mother to leave early so she can jump your bones!

Answer 3

What a very sad lady. She is in probably a in very bad marriage and you have probably taken away the only thing that makes her happy.You do not mention how your wife copes with this but the only suggestion i can think of and it is not the easiest of solutions but go on the charm offensive , you have nothing to lose. At the end of the day she is not important BUT your wife is. If you keep up the charm offence you will be keeping your wife happy and at the end of the day that is what it is all about. The very best of luck stay patient.

Answer 4

You have 2 options -
1. Tit for tat -
When she calls - say "Hi Mom-in-law! How are u!Can I speak to my Father in law?"

When she comes over say "Hey sweetie. I ran into your Step mom. Why did you dump her...she would have been such a catch!"
Speak about her exes.

2. Or you can be really nice to her, till she behaves nicely to you. Send her a box of candy everyday...or send her her fav. item etc etc.

Otherwise ask your wife to talk to her mom, or entirely ignore her, coz she is not ur relationship, ur wife is.
But no matter what happens...never be rude to her, or answer back...coz ur wife will appreciate it...the love bet u 2, will grow.

Answer 5

From my observation, when people can't get along with a parent-in-law, it's usually the mother-in-law. I guess mothers just have a tendency to always see their kids as "their little babies" that need constant protection. I also think that parents have a tendency to always see their daughters as their "little girls" and treat them as such, and feel that no one is good enough for them.

Good luck with this, though. You really should talk to your wife about it, if you haven't already. And do try to stay away from the shovel ; ) .

Answer 6

No, it is not bad etiquette to hit your MIL with a shovel. Why did you even feel you needed to ask? We would never say it was bad to do something like that.

She is a witch, she will always be a witch. Ignore her unless she is causing your wife to behave differently. If that happens you will need to speak to your wife about not letting anything come between you two.

Answer 7

Ignore her, I doubt that she'll ever change, and this can really turn into a problem between you and your wife. Talk to your wife and decide if both of you should talk to your monther in law about it, or if she chooses to do so herself. I had kinda the same problem with my ex-mother in law, my then husband talked to her and put a stop to it.

Answer 8

You can't.

She Drives Me Crazy is not just a song.

Chill. She now knows how to push your buttons.
Why? Hell I don't know. Feel free to vent, mine kept the house key (I have changed the locks since), changed my answering machine message, takes my books (big NO NO in my space) on and on and on it goes.

Be assertive, it works wonders and confuses them. I'm in the same head space.

They want to continue control over their 'baby'.

You are not alone, Good Luck.

Answer 9

man that's hard to put up with and I hate to hand you the same line everyone else is but have you talked to your wife about this?? I think it is her job to say to her mom.." Mom, I love you but you are talking about my husband and I would appreciate it if you didn't talk about him that way." Or simply ," Mike who?? I have no Idea what your talking about." I am married to (your name here) now. I think its up to your wife to speak to her mother..You definitely deserve more respect.

Answer 10

Try talking to your wife about, maybe then she'll be able to get it to her mother. But it really must suck to be frustrated like that. And just ignoring isn't going to help like those peace-guru's say.