Will picking your baby too much will spoil them and become spoiled when they grow up?

Question

I watched my brother in-law treat his child. He is only eight months old. He yells at him and scolds him. He said, he is teaching him not to be spoiled like other kids. He doesn't let anyone carry him and if they do, they can only carry him no more than ten minutes. Sometimes it's not even that, he grabs him right away and put him on his crib or let him sit on his own. When he cries, he lets him cry... because he said if we carry him, he will be using that way. Experience mom? Answer please. I'm about to have my daughter in four weeks and I think I would love to hold her all the time. Is his method of parenting good?

Answer 1

well I am not a mom but a dad and I can tell you that when my son who is now three was that age, my wife and I always would pick him up and hold him and play with him. I never scolded him or yelled at him babies do not know any better, they need attention and affection and doing this creates a bond. My son at 3 is not spoiled and in fact his is a very affectionate kid who is happy as can be. He knows he is loved and mom and dad care about him. Bottom line no it will not spoil them love your child.

Answer 2

These methods are not being applied correctly. You let them cry sometimes, but not all the time. You don't yell at them because 9 times out of 10 they don't understand anyway, so what's the point. There's nothing wrong with carrying an 8 month old baby unless he is walking like my cousin was, but we were still carrying him some. A small child you are obviously going to always be carrying them or holding them, that's a given, so nothing is wrong with it, just when they get older, you have to stop running at their beck and call all the time because they will use it against you, this is when they get old enough to understand what they are doing.

Answer 3

"A baby's wants are a baby's needs." This is a lovely quote from one of my favorite parenting books. Infants and young children don't have the verbal skills of a much older child. Some children even as old as five or six are still struggling with language. This isn't uncommon. Crying, tantrums, pouting -- all of these things are their way of communicating when they don't yet have the physiological and psychological means to understand their feelings, react in a mature manner, and express themselves on anything close to an adult level. They're just children, after all. Babies need all the love and attention that you can give them. There's no need to punish them or isolate them when they need your love and understanding the most. As children get older, you can still hold them when they're crying .. then gently explain how you'd like them to behave when they've calmed down. This helps them mature to become loving, kind people. If you abandon them in their crib, or alone in a room, they won't understand why. They're simply too little. It's all about setting limits with love. Your brother-in-law does sound abusive, and it may be that he learned this from his own family growing up. He also sounds terribly controlling. How is your sister doing? Maybe you can suggest that she get professional counseling so that she can begin to understand and make some decisions about this very troubled man that she married. My advice? If anyone tells you not to hold your child, no matter what the circumstances, just smile politely and remind yourself that they don't know any better. When we know better, we do better. Hang in there. And keep a close eye on that little nephew of yours. Sounds like he's in a bad situation. You can always call CPS and get some tips on how to help. Good luck.

Answer 4

You cannot spoil a baby. Point blank. You can spoil a child once it is older, but not a baby and not by holding them.

I believe in teaching children to be independent, but this is ridiculous. I always had a ten minute rule with my infant. I would change him, cuddle him, and make sure he had a full tummy. If he was still unhappy he was most likely tired so I would put him in the crib and let him cry. If he was still crying in 10 min I went to him. Usually he was asleep by then, it was harder on me I think.

He's now 14 months. If he throws a temper tantrum I put him in his crib for a few minutes and watch him on the camera monitor. Usually he calms down in a few minutes (again, he usually falls asleep).

Babies need love, toddlers too. I don't think loving on a child, period, will make them spoiled. Even when my son is older I will still cuddle the heck out of him. Touch is important to human development. It provides reassurance, which will give the child the confidence to be independent later in life.

Answer 5

What your brother-in-law says is BS IMO. At eight months old a child is too young to respond properly to discipline. Discipline is all about teaching a child that there are certain rules that have to be obeyed. An eight month old is too young to understand those rules.

The only thing your brother-in-law is teaching his son is that his father doesn't care about his wants and wants him to be afraid of him. The baby is too young to comprehend anything more nuanced than that, and that's a terrible lesson to teach a child.

It sound to me like your brother-in-law is going off Freudian-type theories that the way you're treated as an infant determines what you expect from the world. I've never put much stock in those theories. Relating to other human beings is something you learn when you understand that other people are more than mobile comforters and milk bottles, i.e. after you've passed the infant stage.

My advice is that it sounds like you should probably avoid parenting advice from that man like a plague! By all means hold your baby all the time. You don't need to worry about spoiling your child when he's less than a year old for God's sake!

Answer 6

This man is abusive.
Babies first need to learn trust.
They trust that someone will be there when they are hungry, uncomfortable or JUST NEED TO BE HELD !

Please use the next month to read books on baby care and report this man to the police. No one yells at an 8 month old ! He is making this child feel scared and unloved.
Take a look at those orphans from developing countries where no one hold the babies.They rock back and forth and cannot connect with other humans since they have had so little contact.

Answer 7

his method is doing no good b/c an eight month old does not know any better and I personally feel that babies need all the love and affection they can get...my son is 15 1/2 months now and I hold him when ever....He doesnt seem spoiled to me...he loves to play in the floor...when I am busy and he wants held for no reason I will let him cry, but other than that I hold him if I want! I just feel that yes, at times you must let them cry and at times you must let them sit on their own,but you must also give love and affections and dont use it sparingly.....

Answer 8

His method of parenting will guarantee a child who does not seek him out to kiss his boo boo at four, a child who will not ask him for help with his homework at eight, a child who will not come to him with his confusion about right and wrong at 16 and a child who will not come to him at all when he is 30.
Your brother is a bully and will probably either raise another bully or a person who does not trust or care for other human beings. Just as he was not cared for.
Hold your baby, as much as you want, especially in the first weeks, its true you don't want to not draw lines, but they are very minimal lines, always remembering that this is a new life and it doesn't know our ways, its not going to get 'spoiled' it can only know its comfortable or not comfortable.
He sounds like he is so scared of his child that he cannot relax and enjoy him. What a waste of a soft warm cuddly infant. Use your head when it comes to teaching kids about no, and manners. Use your heart when it comes to teaching them about love and trust.

Answer 9

A baby cries because it is it's only means of communication. It counts on you to hear that and provide for it's needs. Being held is a need every bit as much as food and clean diapers. If a baby cries and somone responds the baby learns to trust the world and know that it will be taken care of. If a child is left to cry they learn never to trust anything and will eventually become clingy attention seeking children. Long story short- your instincts are correct and children do need attention. Give it lovingly or eventually the child will get it by driving you crazy. P.s. try to talk to your brother in law because I suspect his main reason for such cold behavior is to create a "man" out of his son and it could well result in a very nervous child who actually lacks confidence in the world. If you can't change his mind make sure you and your sister give him all the love and reassurance you can to make up for it.

Answer 10

IMO this is not the correct way to handle babies. The fact is that babies cannot be spoiled - they are crying because that's all they can do - for food, changing, because their shoes are too tight, or they need a hug, etc... it's our job to respond to them, and teach them that they can TRUST the adults in their life to be there for them. Teaching them this trust in fact creates confident, well-adjusted children who are not afraid to explore or be separated from their caregivers.

I didn't know what it was called until I came on here, but apparently this 'technique' is part of attachment parenting. I'll provide a few links below so that you can read up (if you like).