Controlling mother.?

Question

I am 25 and I'm beginning to realize that my mother is a highly-irrational control freak.

After living on my own for a year, my fiancé & I moved to my parents' house to get out of a bad roommate situation. That was three months ago and we're trying like hell to get out. Everytime I tell her about a potential place, she finds a way to shoot it down. She blew off the idea of co-signing for us to get a place (because we have no credit) because she doesn't care if we ever leave or not.

I mentioned today that I would like to take over medical insurance payments someday, and that coupled with the fact that I wouldn't like living on a piece of land with my whole family around (just a pipedream anyhow) apparently = I want NOTHING to do with my family at ALL. She says that "love doesn't last", and that my fiancé & I can't live on our own without anyone else.

The most hurtful thing about her is that she is EXTREMELY against us ever having a family -- ever.

She says that if that happens, she will "leave". I understand that now isn't the right time, and it might not even be the right time for three more years, but she is talking "indefinitely". It really hurts because his parents can't wait, and all she can do is threaten me about it. She doesn't even care about our engagement. I know she would 100% fine with me being an old maid, living here forever and depending on her.

I know there will come a time when I'll have to stand up to her and trust me when I say that all hell will break loose. I've known that that day is coming for awhile now, and I'm not sure how to prepare for this.

My question is, how do I go on knowing that this is coming? How do I handle this? I know people might think that it's easy to ignore anything she says, but her words bring me down a LOT and I guess the guilt and need to keep-the-peace has previously gotten the best of me.

Answer 1

While your mother is an 'obvious controlling personality' YOU are equally responsible for the situation you are in now ... you are LETTING HER CONTROL YOU. That's not really as 'bad' as it sounds, though, since she has always been 'controlling' so it's what you 'know' ... but your 'problem' is 'how do I get out of this situation' and NOT 'lose' your mother entirely. I can give you some 'help' with that.
First, you and your boyfriend need to 'sit down privately' and make a 'list' of things you need to do ASAP, and a second list of 'rules' both you and your mother will 'have to' follow ...
on the first list, at the very top, put 'MOVE OUT OF HERE!!!'
Also put 'have a baby when WE are ready' (not your mother, father, brothers, sisters or in-laws, but YOU and your boyfriend). Next ... why don't you and your boyfriend get married? You say he's your 'finace' and that means that you do intend to get married someday ... and NOW is as good a time as any. So put 'get married' on your list. And below that put 'take a LONG honeymoon' ... and under that put 'move into our own place.'
Now, for those 'rules' ... you must ALWAYS STAND FIRM when you are speaking to your mother ... TELL HER what you are GOING TO DO, and don't ever 'ask' if you should, because her answer is always going to 'shoot down' your 'idea.' Second, tell her that YOU ARE DOING THIS no matter what she says ... and then KEEP TALKING (over her 'protestations' if necessary) but keep your voice level 'low' and speak 'reasonably' in 'firm language' and DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS of your mother at all EVER.
Second, put 'firm dates' on everything you tell her ... we are getting married on (date). We are going on our honeymoon on (date) and we will move into our own place on (date) ... and we will have a baby WHEN WE ARE READY, PERIOD. If you use this type of language, there will be nothing your mother can 'control' or even attempt to take control of. You have set the dates, the plans are 'in motion' and ALL SHE CAN DO IS HELP or GET OUT OF YOUR WAY.
Most people who are 'controllers' are actually very 'scared' by life, which is 'why' they want 'complete control' of everyone in their life. So, TELL YOUR MOTHER THAT YOU LOVE HER, and tell her that you will always be her daughter, and that you will love 'visiting' her when you are 'on your own' and especially after you have your baby (and possibly the second, third, and fourth and more, depending on what YOU want) and that you are 'looking forward' to her 'help' in raising the kids (she did 'raise you' and while you aren't 'perfect yet' she's probably done a good job) but ONLY ON YOUR TERMS. In short, what you will be doing is 'taking control' of yourself and your life, but giving her the 'opportunity' to be a welcome part of that life.
Parents are very 'fragile' things, sometimes. Your mother may not think that what she is doing is trying to 'control' your life ... but because you and your fiance 'moved in' with your parents, you GAVE HER THE CHANCE ... and of course she is 'scared' for you to 'leave her' ... because then she won't be able to 'control' you AND KEEP YOU SAFE FROM HARM!
So ... grab your boyfriend and a few pieces of paper and a pen, go into your bedroom (which I hope is the same room) and start 'writing' ... then YOU (with your boyfriend behind you but YOU must do all the 'talking' and he's just to 'back you up' silently) go have that 'talk' with your mother about 'the way things are going to be from now on.' If you are 'firm' and seem 'secure' your mother might actually think that you are FINALLY 'grown up' enough to 'live on your own' ... and if she doesn't, then at the very least, you will have a 'plan' to work from so that you can 'escape' from your mother and her 'controlling' ...

Answer 2

I agree with lady cosmo. Don't be mean just treat her like you would a pouting child. ie. "I am going to move away. I'm sorry you feel the way you do. I love you very much but I am an adult and need to have my own life. You can call or visit me if you like but this is what I have to do." Like that. Very loving but firm and matter of fact. She will pout and no doubt really be sad but it won't be as severe as she would like you to think. I think she is acting out for attention and to treat her seriously will only make it worse. I would start now. When she says something riddiculous tell her. Don't be mean aggressive or insulting just say, "That's not true, Mom. You know I am going to leave eventually." or ignore her if it's too outrageous. She sounds like she has a good heart just is very needy inside.

Answer 3

Sounds so sad, but this situation is common, and i can't tell you why she's being like this, the only way you can find out is to have a talk with her calmley and ask her about all this and tell her how your feeling, my mom had the same promblem, my grandma was so contolling and always had something to say about my moms life, but hard as it was my mom says she just did what she wanted with her life, and to this day she still has something to say to my mom about everything, but she just smiles and goes on, and i know it hurts her, because she talks to me about it and tells me it bugs her and she has told her mom time and time again about this, but sometimes you can't change the person and theres not much you can do but hope she comes around over time and realizes this is your life, and although she says she'll leave and all that if you have kids, so be it, if you want kids, have kids, and over time she'll realize your gonna do what you want with your life no matter what and she'll want to see her grandkids...so, talk to her and if that doesnt' help there really isn't much else you can do put patienlty smile and nod your head...lol...

Answer 4

I agree with cesc's answer BUT you cannot tell her that while you are guests in her home. So calmly make some plans to get a good job and make some money. Then you can be on your own. It sounds like you should have stayed in the 'bad roommate' situation. As long as you are living in your parents home you will be their little girl. So make plans soon to move out. And she was not wrong to not co sign and what she said about children was true. It will destroy your marriage if you have children and no money

Answer 5

well, any Mother/Father would be reluctant to see their daughter leave the house but, keeping you from Moving on at 25 is selfish and wrong, you have a life to lead now (just like she did), and it's time to move from the nest (it must be especially hard on your b/f). They won't co-sign, so you'll have to do it on your own. the problem with "HUMANS" is that they get too attached to "Family". Look at every other specie of "Animal" (yes, Humans are in that class). As soon as the young are able to fend for themselves, they get cut loose. it's best for their survival, watch "Nature" it teaches us things. I pretty much had the same problem as you when I was 22, I'm sorry to tell you (actually "Happy" to tell you), that you are going to have to put your helmet on for the "Battle", check all weapon's, "Lock and Load", "side arm" is secure, Flak vest is "ON". We're Goin in ! you have to do this or you risk losing the man you love, go start your lives together, good luck, we're ALL counting on YOU !

Answer 6

Most of the time parents want to protect their children from making mistakes. It may be that she is afraid for you to make some of the same mistakes that she made. Or maybe she believes that she sees something that could cause you trouble down the road. One thing to remeber is that she will always be your mother. God wants us to respect our parents. Maybe you should sit down with your mother and just tell her that although you love her and respect her, you would like her input on some of the decisions in your life, however the final decision is up to you and your finance. She loves you no matter what. Just remember they say what you do comes back on you times 4. Be respectful and loving but let you mom know that you have to make your own decisions and then be responsible for the decisions that you make.

Answer 7

You need to move,for your own good and your own piece of mind my Dear.you and your fiancee find a place that you are both happy with and move in.No matter what your mom says.Words do hurt more than getting beat up.Try and Tune her out if possible.It is going to be her loss when you have children,But by then you can only hope and pray she will come around to her senses.You are old enough to move and get your own life no matter what she says.When you do move out on good or bad terms send her a Thank you card for letting you 2 stay there.I hope all works out.

Answer 8

Well there comes a time when all kids have to leave the nest. Is your mom single? I think she just needs companionship. Get her a dog or something to take care of. She needs to feel needed and you cant marry your mom. I know you cant ignore her and you are a grown woman. I think your mom should give you her blessings bc with or without her, you are going to get married. You have to respectfully stand up to your mother and you kind of have to stop caring about what she thinks because she has stop doing all the mothering that she can do for you. find peace with her in time but for now. argue your point

Answer 9

Just be a big girl and you and your fiance should rent an apartment and start to build credit. She is understand eventually but you can not live with her if you want your marriage to work. You should grow up and become independent. DO you have a car? a job? a cell phone? If so then there is no reason to stay living with mom just because she has psychological issues with having a family.

Answer 10

Time to cut off your mom. Go find a place to rent. No credit is better than bad credit, believe me. Go get a credit card and make the payments early and about $10-20 more than the amount is due. You can get one that has a limit of $500. It is usually $25 a month.