How do I talk to my Mother about paying for my Wedding.?

Question

I got engaged in November of 2005 and set the date of July 8, 2008. My Mom acknowleged that she would pay for my wedding (as is family and cultrual tradition). At the begining of this year, my sister announced that she was getting married, and the date was set for July 13, 2007. So my Mother was paying for a last minute Wedding this summer, and a wedding next summer. She bought a brand new car at the a few months ago because her other car was totaled in an accident. She's also looking at buying some Real Estate. My Father just got out of the service at the begining of this year and does not have a job. So my Mother cassually tells me a few weeks back that if my Father does not get a job, that she may not be able to pay for my wedding and I will have to move the date. The date my Fiance and I set is really important to us because July 8 was the day we met...and well 08 just goes with the day. So moving the date for us is out of the question...

I don't get it; I was engaged first, and yes, my sister should have her wedding paid for, too. I am very supportive of that. My Mother has done things like this all my life where she will tell me she'll do something and then the other shoe will drop and I end up having to do it (and sometimes I paid her bills). I want to talk to her, and tell her that I expect her to pay for the wedding since that was her commitment, and the fact that she spent money on a new car and is looking for Real Estate is not an excuse for not paying for this wedding. She deserves to have things for herself, but she knew about this. All my life she has been getting herself stuck in her finances. If there's money in the bank or room on the credit card, she spends it. It's not like she doesn't have options to pay for this wedding, and it won't be more than about $6000.00. How can I tell her that I expect her to pay for the wedding?

Look. I didn't expect her to pay for it. She made the commitment to. And yes, I'm saving for it too. I would have saved more if I knew things with her really hadn't changed. I've got a way to pay for it with my financial aid and savings. My Mother was mentally ill for a long time, and I trusted she was well after a LONG time. What really gets to me is she always does things like this. I just really feel like I worked hard to trust her, and she let me down...again

Answer 1

same prob
this is what i did
i said to parents
im gonna pay myself . im not asking you for anything . if you feel like contributing please do and it would be so appreciated.
if you honor their names on the invitation, chances are they will want to help as much as they can.
its sad but your not alone
im embarresed because my fiances parents WANT to give. and my parents are slackers.

Answer 2

I do understand customs and traditions. But in this day and age, I think it's about time to let that one go. I'm sure there were customs back when your mother or grandmother was young that you don't feel compelled to uphold. Like how a girl had to live with her parents unless she was married. Or once you got married, you quit your job. Or if you lived with your parents and had a job, you turned over your paycheck to them. I'm sure you have no problem ending those traditions.

You're an adult, and so is your fiance. If having a wedding is important to you (regardless of the date), you should pay for it yourselves. If your parents, or your finance's parents want to kick in a little, that's fine, but it shouldn't be expected.

Your father just got out of the service and is unemployed. Your poor mother totalled her car and had to buy a new one. Don't you think they have their own problems, without worrying about financing your dreams? You almost sound resentful that she bought a car and is considering some real estate. If she worked for her money, she has every right to spend it as she sees fit.

Your sister probably saw the writing on the wall, and was greedy enough to want to be sure your mother had money for her wedding. What she did stinks, but there's nothing you can do about it. Be the better person, and finance your own wedding.

Keep it small and simple if you have to. It's one day. Granted, it's a very special day, but it's still just a day. I've seen girls who earn $30,000 a year spend $8,000 on a wedding gown and $10,000 on flowers. Ridiculous. A wedding is your public commitment to each other, not a circus or staged production. Plan a wedding that you can afford and one where you and your guests will have a good time. That should be more important than trying to impress people.

The world, or your mother, doesn't owe you anything. If you can't accept that, you're going to have a very difficult time being married.

Answer 3

I would suggest scaling back your wedding plans and plan to pay for it yourself. Things happen and it's a shame that your parents made claim they would pay for it, yet didn't save for it. Any $$ you get from her later can be used for maybe a downpayment on a home.

Have a buffet, not a sit down dinner. If a church wedding, keep the flower budget low. Limit the number of bridal party and wedding guests. Your parents don't owe you a thing whether it's traditional or not, but I do think they let you down and I'm disgusted with your mother entirely. On the other hand, a 3 year engagement should have been a clue that there could have been other downturns necessitating more stringent plans such as a family death.

Congratulations, but as I said, plan to pay for it yourself.

Answer 4

It just doesn't seem right that your sister got her wedding paid for while you don't.
Honestly, your parents should have thought of that before deciding to pay for your sisters wedding. They had said they would pay for yours a long while ago, and they should have stuck with that. If they thougth that it would be hard to pay for both, then they should have chosen to not help your sister instead of not helping you, since she is the one that made the last minute call.

Second, I don't even expect any help what-so-ever from my parents, so I think it's awesome that your parents planned on paying for your wedding. So in my opinion, I woudln't even have accepted money from my parents, but I know other cultures and families see things differently. I always was taught that if I wanted anything from this world, i had to go out and get it myself.

If you have to pay for your own wedding, you may appreciate the day a little bit more and you'll have more of your own say in what you do.

Answer 5

Oh dear, I'm so very sorry!

However, at this point you are going to have to be realistic and accept that she won't be as much help due to the circumstances.

If I was you, I would see about getting a second job and save money and pay the wedding yourself and accept the little that your family can contribute, if any.

Be considerate and nix the plans for a grandiose and fully paid wedding. You can't really force her.. I'm so sorry

Good luck

Answer 6

Wow , life is really tough sometimes and it looks like some other emergencies came up.

Personally speaking ,I would not ask my parents to pay for the wedding , if they can not . If there has been non refundable deposits made already , I would see if I can qualify for a loan or get a second job to pay for the wedding myself .

If nothing has been given a deposit yet , just make arrangements to cut back on your expenses and know that you can always have a second wedding later, or a very expensive anniversary party .

Answer 7

It seems that u only have 2 choice move the day as your mother said or find another way to pay for it, it seem that your sister beat u to the punch therfore u can have a simple one for alot cheaper and pay for it with what money u and your future husband have and whatever else your mother gives u or get a loan and pay for it but getting a loan is not a good look.

Answer 8

This is a really unfortunate situation. I feel like this is something that I would have had to deal with. It's too bad that your mom didn't sit down and figure out a budget so both of you (you and sis) were happy. If I were you, I would consider going away to get married...because it's so romantic, or start estimating what you will be able to afford yourself. I know that if this was me, I would want mom and sis to feel bad because it was a totally rotten thing.

Answer 9

Your don't need to talk to your mom; she already told you what the deal is. It sucks but if your dad doesn't get a job you're going to have two choices:

1. Move the date of your wedding; or
2. Pay for the wedding yourselves.

I don't see what the problem is here; your mom was very upfront and honest with you. You just don't like her answers.

Answer 10

Just don't, considering all these circumstances you have listed here. You have been engaged an extremely long time, and could have thousands and thousands saved by now! That's part of being a grownup, just take the responsibility and plan the type of wedding the two of you can afford to have.

Answer 11

This is a very tough question. I think you need to be straight forward and tell your mom how you feel. i think that you are planning things very well and maybe some of the people in your family need to think about their planning. as a rule of thumb a sibling should not plan their wedding in front of the other siblings already planned day. this can create a financial challenge for any parent.