Twenty years ago my folks had an ugly divorce, a year after it came out that my dad was gay. He still had sex outside marriage, and gave her crabs during that time. He told my grandparents the reason was because my mom was having an affair. My mom didn't tell them otherwise, as my grandpa's health was failing at the time. He still hasn't come out to his mom, and I think they have a lame relationship because of that. I think it hurts my grandma that he isn't more open with her. He now believes he has Sylvia Brown--like powers and has "come out" to his father,. I think he will wait until she passes away too before attempting to have a close relationship. To me it's sad. I think they would both be better off if he had the courage to tell her. Is it my place to do that for him? Over the last few weeks I've been livid, it just kind of hit me how blatantly evil his behavior has been in his past. My mom's well over it, but I feel like my grandma deserves to know she's innocent.
2007-07-12 06:15:02 · 21 answers · asked by RB 1 in Society & Culture ➔ Religion & Spirituality
I would pray on this before I decided what to do. My suggestion is that you tell your Grandmother the truth, but, there is no way to know without knowing the people involved if this is the "right" action.
Since Life after Death exists, according to the majority of people in the world, it is probable that your Grandfather knew his son was homosexual as soon as he died so it does not matter much if your father came out to your Grandfather.
Your father is going to do and believe whatever he decides is best, and it appears that his decisions on what is best are based on his own selfishness.
Your decision to tell your Grandmother the truth appears to be based on non-selfish reasons, ie your mothers reputation and how it was damaged by lies.
In general I would try and use the selfish/non-selfish rule to decide what to do. If it is selfish and will hurt others, do not do it. If it is not selfish and will help others, do it.
PS: I really get sick of hearing some of my relatives bad mouth others too, so I know where you are coming from. If my Grandmother was bad mouthing my Mother behind her back I would not hesitate, but, you know your family better than I do.
2007-07-12 06:25:05 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
If you are planning on telling her for anyone's sake but your own, then the answer is easy: No.
On the other hand, if you can honestly say, that even if both of your parents had died, but Grandma still was living, and YOUR relationship with Grandma required you coming clean about this, and nothing else would fix the problem, then you might be only a little wrong in talking to her about this.
I heartily suggest, however, since both of your parents are still alive, that you talk to each of them, and explain why this lie bothers YOU. Then see what their responses are. If you are unable to be honest with your parents about your feelings, then you can't very well condemn their unwillingness to be honest with their parents about their feelings, now, could you?
So go talk to your folks. Tell them how you feel. Tell them how this ongoing lie, causes you ongoing pain.
And see where that leads.
Right now, there may be issues involved that you do not know about, because your parents have no doubt come to assume that this issue is not anything that you continue to think about so strongly (if they imagine that you think about it at all).
Good luck. Family lies need airing, but it is best if it can be aired without blowing up the family in the process.
2007-07-12 06:31:01 · answer #2 · answered by nojunk_9 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Revealing this information is not your right. If your mom chooses to allow your grandmother to think ill of her to protect your father, that speaks volumes of how strongly she feels the secret of his gayness is his and his alone. Stay out of it. Even though your intentions are good, telling your grandma your mom was faithful and your dad is gay could have devastating consequences for the relationship between your dad and his mother.
2016-05-20 22:04:31 · answer #3 · answered by emily 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it's interesting how many people are against you telling your grandmother. Since this obviously affects you, your relationship with your grandmother and both your parents. Be up front with your father, tell him it's not your job to continue the dysfunction of this situation, and inform him that you have every right to talk to your grandmother about the truth of the situation. I wonder if you removed the fact that your father is homosexual, how many of these people would be so willing to have you keep the secret of his infidelity...Speak your truth and clear the air! Your father needs to stop hiding behind his sexual orientation and recognize the damage he has done.
2007-07-12 06:25:18 · answer #4 · answered by keri gee 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Look I really respect that you care about your grandmother but I am sure that she already knows. Mothers have a way of knowing about these type of things. Even if she is your maternal grandmother she will know that your mother wasn't unfaithful and probably has already guess about your dad's sexuality. And if it is your paternal grandmother she probably knew when they got married. Mothers just know.
And if they don't know your grandmother seems to have faced enough pain with your grandfather dying. Do you really thing she would want to know that fact about your father? It would only hurt her more. (if it is your paternal grandmother). If it is your maternal you will be causing strife between your mother and grandmother because they will have to face the fact that for the past 20 years your mother has been lying to her.
Leave it the way it is.
2007-07-12 06:24:12 · answer #5 · answered by Mr. Nobody 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Chances are that your grandmother won't believe you anyway, and then you will have a bad relationship with her. Ignore your dad's idiocy, and just stick with being a good child to your mom, and a good grandchild.Don.t cause any more trouble than you need to.
2007-07-12 06:23:31 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
Because it is bothering you so much- I would have to say talk to someone you can confide in. Not necessarily to rat him out. But, to help you! Talk to a 3rd party, where no one is involved and knows who has personal ties with your family. (Someone who won't get emotional and guide you wrong.)
Let your dad live with his own guilt and maybe it will haunt him to the point of talking to his parents on his own.
2007-07-12 06:22:58 · answer #7 · answered by SDC 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I come from a family where infedelity broke apart my parents marriage. It was my dad who cheated on my mom, and i know that if my dad told people my mom cheated and non him I would be the first to speak up. So, with regards to speaking the truth about who cheated, if your mom has told you not to clarify it, its not your part to tell. But, if she hasn't i would speak up. With regards to your dads homosexuality, it should be his place to come out of the closet to his parents.
2007-07-12 06:20:25 · answer #8 · answered by Romans1:16!! 1 · 4⤊ 1⤋
Leave your Grandma in the dark because she will be happier that way. This is very sad, I agree but it would hurt your Grandma and you don't want her hurt...she is innocent in all this...
2007-07-12 06:21:58 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's your mom's relationship with your grandma you are concerned about...that's your mom's business and she obviously doesn't care to change anything.
It's just not your place with your dad either. Sorry, but if you want to do anything, you can talk to your parents, not your grandma.
2007-07-12 06:20:10 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 5⤊ 1⤋