Fed Up with the In Laws??

Question

I moved with our baby from UK to USA to be with my husband.

Right now we are saving like crazy to put debts aside so we can buy a small house of our own.

His parents own a 6 apartment building, and we have been living here on slightly cheaper rent, they live in the one above us.

But I am getting so fustrated b.coz I feel like I am being watched and commented on all the time, about absolutely everything!

Like if it's a hot day, I put the a.c on and she comes and tells me why don't I just open the window like she does, when it's 90 outside. Then if I tell her we are ordering food later it's too hot to cook, she tells me his ex wife used to put the a.c on and get cooking so why can't I.

Then she tells my my 22 month old daughter is small b.c I didn't eat much so she didn't take from me or my breastmilk. Now she is 22 months old, she tells me she is too young to have been taken off a bottle she should drink milk in a bottle til shes 3.

Aaaargh I know it sounds petty...

but they are making me miserable.

I can't pretend i am out, plus she knows I will keep my little one inside until later when it cools down.

I have told my husband a few things,and he confromted her and she twisted it all so now I look like the baddie.

His ex wife family came to visit her when i was upstairs, and she made me take my baby back down so they didn't see her, I was so upset!

I feel like leaving and going back to UK!

To the comment Tmarie that we are mooching off the family ... ahem every little problem with building maintenance, plumbing, electric, painting etc my husband fixes it all this was the deal, we all feel it fair.

Answer 1

It doesn't sound petty at all.

your mother in law has some control issues and she doesn't mind her own business... she gives unsolicited advice, and i wouldn't put up with her for 5 minutes!

if you are running the air conditioner or spending money on a meal, it's none of her business.... it's YOUR electric bill, and your food... not hers.

You don't have to cook if you don't want to.. some people hate to cook... it's no one's business but yours.

There is no point being mean to her..... but if she says something about the air conditioner or tries to control your day again, you might politely tell her that while you appreciate advice when you ASK, you will make your own decisions.

it can't be simpler than that!

some children might be small for their age... some people are petite. i'm sure you take your child to the doctor and if there is an "issue" i bet the doctor will let you know. should your mother in law commenta gain... just let her know her doctor says she's fine, and again that she is intruding.

i dont' think babies need a bottle until they are three? but it's up to the PARENT, not the nibby mother in law. i think most kids toss away the bottle at their own pace, anyway...

it's difficult to live around in-laws. and, while your in-laws have been kind enough to let you live in their apartment complex at a reduced rate, that doesn't mean they are in control of your day to day lives.

you could also be unavailable to her -- don't see her as much. you need your privacy and she can just stay home ! (ha ha).

take care of YOU. i'm sure this gets on your nerves. set your boundaries and limits with her, politely... and after you do so, ignore any further comments from her. eventually she will get the message !

hugs

Answer 2

People do have points and both need to listen in relationships but with some of that stuff you will just have to learn to verbally stand up for yourself and not feel guilty when doing so. Also, don't you think that everyone has valid points once in a while? Don't jump down her throat or go off on her every time she speaks to you - that would mean you are the one the one with the problem.

"Then if I tell her we are ordering food later it's too hot to cook, she tells me his ex wife used to put the a.c on and get cooking so why can't I.

"ya, well that was then and this is now"
"did you come to our wedding? ___ "ok then, just checking"...."would you like a cup of coffee?"

"Then she tells my my 22 month old daughter is small b.c I didn't eat much so she didn't take from me or my breastmilk. Now she is 22 months old, she tells me she is too young to have been taken off a bottle she should drink milk in a bottle til shes 3."

"That's interesting, but when was the last time you saw a three-yr-old drinking a bottle....I do get what you are saying about the importance of her getting enough milk but I have decided to start weaning her off the bottle to protect her baby teeth - so what are you up to tomorrow or how's ___ going/doing?"....nothing disrespectful about that : )

Answer 3

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Answer 4

It isn't petty at all. You know speak to your husband about it and tell him how you feel. You also need to draw the line with your mother-in-law. She need to know how far he can push you and what you will not tolerate. But whatever you do, don't loose your coo, because that it most likely what she wants. Try harder to get your own pace so that you can be prepared for when she "pops" in.

Sometimes with in-laws no matter what you do, nothing is good enough. So just do nothing and tel her when she goes too far and most of all be happy!

Answer 5

When your MIL makes her critical comments - how do you respond? anger begats anger and sarcasm and criticism begats sarcasm and criticism. I think it's a vicious cycle.

Maybe next time she makes one of those comments you can state, "I don't feel like I am able to do anything that will cause you to like me - is there something that I did that has offended you, because if so, I would like to apologize and make things right." "I would really like to get to know you better and would like to have a great relationship with you." "Would you please tell me what it is I can do to accomplish that?" I love your son and I know you love him and your grandbaby. I really want things to be good between all of us."

By using "I" statements, you will not be attacking her, for instance, "You are always criticising me, can't you ever be happy?" Right away, she will become defensive and things will go downhill from there. Talk like set out above, it lets her know how you are feeling and it also lets her know that you are wanting a better relationship with her and are willing to work with her to get one.

Good luck.

Oh - one other thing, try not using absolute words such as "always" and "never" as that is rarely true and it leaves no room for anything in-between.

Answer 6

One good thing, you know it is not going to last forever. You may just have to put up with it until you can afford to move. You could start looking for another apartment with almost the same rent you are paying now. Don't let it get you down. Just do what is right for you and your family and say to hell with the rest. Good Luck to you.

Answer 7

This is what happens when you mooch of family members. And, YES, you are mooching. You're not paying the same as everyone else. Get your husband to move out, or tell him to grow some balls and tell his parents to back off.
Your best bet, though, is to move out.

**Then your husband needs to grow some balls and defend the family he CHOSE, you and his child. If he's not man enough to step up and defend you, then you are out of luck.
If your husband doesn't respect you enough to tell his parents to back off, you can't expect his parents to respect you.

Why are you telling her all this stuff? Why do you feel the need to explain anything or justify or TELL her anything? Do what you want, you don't have to run it by her.

Answer 8

Good luck!ive been married for 22 years and put up with the same crap,and his family seems to like drama,not only do i have to put up with the old B??ch's bull,but hes got 4 sisters that stick their 2 sense in everything also!!i keep my distance now,i dont go to family gatherings,i used to when i was younger and put up with their rudeness but as i got older i said forget that!!my husband is a good guy and knows how they are,so he understands.but i feel for you believe me.

Answer 9

Move. You either need to live in this situation while you save and pay the price of it, or get out while you still have a husband. This woman is toxic.

Answer 10

Tell your husband he needs to talk to his mother or you will leave. You cannot pretend everythings alright and just ignore it. eventually it will turn into a big thing and there will be no going back.