She Keeps Telling Me To Change.... How Do I Change Myself?

Question

I've been with my girlfriend for two years and she keeps telling me i should 'change' everytime we have a small disagreement. Here are some of the things she says i should change about myself -

*My Stress
*The Way I Talk About Other Women
*How I dont suprise her enough
*The time i spend with my friends
*My attitude when we meet
*How i'm to laid back when i meet her family
*My music taste
*The time we spend on the phone (should talk longer)

I always say to her she is wonderful the way she is, even though she can be annoying i dont want her to change anything about herself because i love her more than anything in the world.

I would refuse Jessica Alba if she ever hit on me, because in my eyes my girl is pure perfection.

I think she is trying to turn me into her 'perfect' man, but i already told her i'm not perfect and i do have faults. What can i do to get her thinking in a similar way to me?

Answer 1

Hi and Good morning....Sounds to me that you have a problem. How does one change? First of all, the person that is in question needs to ask himself "Do I want to change?" No one can make an individual change their behavior or their beliefs unless they themselves want to change. Now some of your gf's requests aren't to extreme because she wants you to become aware of your habits or health such as your "stress". I'm assuming your stress level is high and she wants you to beware if the possibility of either high blood pressure or a possible stroke or heart attack. This should show you just how much she loves you and cares about you. Now the second one that you have listed, I'm not quite sure what you are saying about other women. Are you flirting with other women in front of her or downgrading them? You weren't specific. If you are flirting with other women then you need to stop because this shows disrespect towards your gf. If you are downgrading women then this again is showing disrespect of the other gender. The third to me, is rather silly in how you don't surprise her enough...with what? a token of your love or appreciation? This isn't a major problem so I'm not going to proceed with this one..! Although women do like little surprises or tokens, it shows them you care and love this person but it's minor. Now the fourth one is touchy. Although some women don't mind if their bf or husbands go out with their friends so they can have their time also and because couples do need their own space at times, other women feel neglected or unwanted if the bf/husband spends more time with their friends than their gf/wife. So be careful with this one. Make sure you spend quality time with your gf and limit the time you spend with your friends. If this is how she feels. But again, she needs to know that you need your space also. That a relationship is a 50/50 deal and not a 70/30 or 80/20. Now I'm concerned with the attitude issue. Do you have an attitude when the both of you are out or what? Here again you weren't specific. Are you nasty or cocky or buligerent in some way? Maybe short with your words? You need to be more specific on this one...sorry. Laid back are we? Nothing wrong on being whom you are. Maybe she feels that your manners aren't that great...lol Be more aware of your surroundings and how others act. This might help. This is a part of etticut. There is a proper way of presenting yourself in certain situations. Being polite is one, manners and the way you dress and conversation. practice makes perfect...lol As to your music taste...not everyone likes the same type of music. But your gf shouldn't make you change on what you enjoy listening too, however to be considerate of others you can listen to certain type of music when having company since some individuals can become offended to some certain types of music but here again your gf needs to know that your music is a part of who you are and she shouldn't change that. As to the last one...finally...lol This is a selfish act on her part. Unless you talk for 2.5 seconds then hang up...lol She needs to realize that maybe you don't feel like talking all the time.
What the two of you need to do is this...Both of you at a table, write down your pro's and con's on the other person. You write the issues you have about her and she writes down the issues and concerns about you, we already know of a few. After you have finished then take the first one on the list and talk about the issue. No arguments allowed! only discussion about the concerns and the "good things" that you have for one another. The issues can be worked out if the both of you love each other and by writing these down it will help you understand on why you need to change some things and why she needs to change on her views about things. This will establish a stronger relationship in the long run if the both of you discuss these issues without an argument.. Be pleasant, be objective and with reasoning, explain how you really feel. Then let her do the same. Good luck and I wish you both well in your relationship. have a wonderful day!

Answer 2

Hi... it's true that a lot of women seem to be out to change the guy... it's not fair for the most part.

If you are stressed out, then YOU have to do something to deal with it -- if she is stressed, same goes for her.

Maybe you could make a conscious effort not to comment too much about other women... i know this is common when you're with "the guys", but women dont' usually like to hear it from their man.

It's entirely up to you whether or not you want to surprise your girlfriend...

If you are spending more time with your friends, than your girlfriend, maybe you could cut back on that? And do things with her instead.

Your attitude -- you can work on smiling more, if that's an issue, and if you want to?

If you are laid back when you meet her family, well perhaps you have a laid back personality? it's difficult to change it.

Your music taste is a personal choice, and i don't think it is important, or has any impact on a relationship. that is odd.

Some people dont' like talking on the phone for hours on end (i'm a woman and i run out of things to say, and i'd rather do something else!).

It's great you love your girlfriend so much. I hope she doesn't run you off with her demands. There are some things we can work on when it comes to ourselves. I've had to take inventory of myself before, as well.

No one is perfect... take care of YOU! hugs

Answer 3

Have you told *her* what you told us about how you feel about her?

That is some *really* nice things to say! You'd think she'd appreciate that!

In a way I think she should just accept your qualities as you do hers, but then by the same token I can't tell how severe those things are you say she has a problem with. Women by-and-large seem to love to try and change their mates. I guess it stems from their typical hunger for control and manipulative nature, but again....I don't know how severe those things are and whether they *could* be legitimate or not.

I think some women are petty that do this kind of thing. Other are forgiving and accepting and appreciate what they have.

Maybe if you try addressing one or two of those things on that rather large list, and tell her what you told us, maybe that will satisfy her.

I think you both could compromise on this one.....she should be more accepting and you could focus a little bit. You seem like a pretty cool guy tho, so if I'm missing the boat on this one, my apologies.

Good luck.

Answer 4

Been there done that. As many people have said, don't change for anyone but yourself!

Some people get into a relationship where they want to mold the partner into what they are looking for, or even worse yet, are oblivious to the wonder that differences are. Some people don't take these differences easily, and it is a constant irritant, and they are always pointing out where you should change. Don't do it.

I know how you feel. Some people embrace differences...I have dated 4 of the best people I have ever met....love each one of them to this day...and yet they are all black and white from eachother. However, some of them needed or wanted someone just like them (which is fair if that is what they want)!

accept you GF differences, try to tell her that you approach life differently, and you like who and what you are. If she really wants to still change you....run for the hills. She won't be happy till she gets what she wants (ruins you as an individual), or fails (in which case she'll eventually run for the hills). She either accepts you, or my friend get out

Answer 5

She cannot turn you into nothing. Then work on those things. Don't change yourself. That;s not changing anything. Accepting you are as you are. Make a list for her and give it to her. Maybe she will get the idea soon. Sit down and think about what do you want for her. Discuss with her how you feel before it's to late. Accepting each faults is love. You cannot complain about it unless you do something about it.

Answer 6

Never change buddy!

If you become her perfect man she'll then be bored. Changing you is the motherly instinct in her trying to direct her little man. Obviously change sometimes is good and if you are stressed out or if you badmouth other women or people in general then things like that may be the types of change that get under her skin. As far as changing your personality i would suggest never changing. If you change who you are or are trying to be somebody else you may wind up a totally different person. You may not like that person and you are the important one.

Answer 7

If she's pushing you to be someone you're not, then she's far from perfect. However, you can't force her to change the way she thinks and reacts any more than she can change you. Both of you need to come to terms with the people you really are, and then decide whether you want to stay together based on what you discover. Good luck.

Answer 8

Believe it or not...She is not in love with you. She might act like she is and maybe once you 2 break up she will cry her *** of but she will get over it. I am telling you this because one time I met this great guy who loved me unconditionaly even tho i was a ***** to him, I wanted to manipulate him and make him change!... nothing that he ever did was i happy with. and now that i look at it; yes he was a great guy N now i see how much he loved me but. i really wasnt in love with him n thats why i wanted him to change bcuz he was not what i was looking for. So my suggestion to you is...If she doesnt love you for who you are then u might as well leave her. She should be happy that you are laid back with her family (cuz u love her) so Good luck to you and do whats best!

Answer 9

Common sense needs to be used here. I'm sure some of things she has brought up to you, do need addressing. However "All" people tend to be a little overly picky as it appears to be in your case. Listen to her completely before responding. It may be better to wait until the next day before giving a reply back.
Bottom line... Don't be afraid to change for the better. We are all required to do that.
Best of luck to you.

Answer 10

hmm a leopard cant change their spots. Maybe there is a bigger underlying problem? From experience, you simply cant change a person. True, no one is perfect, and you have to accept warts and all. I think it's unfair of her to ask you to change your music taste. Do you spend more time with your friends than you do with her, or do you see them alot? Then i think it's fair of her to complain about that. Maybe talk about it more with her, exactly why she wants you to change those things.