The joy of motherhood seems to be over!?

Question

My daughter and I have always had a very loving relationship. I always wanted a little girl and when I got one my life revolved around her.
My pregnancy came at a very bad time in my marriage(now divorced) and I think that made us even closer. We did everything together and she was "my number one girl" I did and still do love her more than anything in the world.
I have tried to allow her to be part of some of the decision making and wanted her to feel like her opinion counted. Something that was NEVER given to me as a child of a single mom. I also have worked very hard to make sure she has the BEST of everything, even though I support her by myself with no help from her father, who which by the way is back in jail for the 3rd time since I left him. He went downhill quick once I left.

My problem is now that my daughter is 11 she acts as if she is an adult and talks back with disrespect and is hateful to me and non affectionate. I have created a monster& need help.

plus I have cracked down and tried to be more strict and stand my ground and she seems to hate me for it. I really don't care at this point because life just really sucks when the one you love more than anything treats you like this. She does not ever want me to hug her and love on her like she used to and it really hurts. Don't get me wrong, she is not all bad...she is very giving and when she gets allowance always wants to buy me something to show me she cares as well as for others. But she has become very strong willed and I fear it is "too late" have I lost her and will she hate me forever? We are set up to go back to a counselor who helped alot when she was trying to deal with the fact her father was a drug addict and never kept promises and he helped alot. The appt is not until the 18th and we had to wait 1 month to get back in cause we had stopped going and they were booked. I am at the end of my rope and depressed all the time...plz help

Answer 1

Because you have "created a monster" go ahead and tell her just that. Sit down together and tell her that somehow you made the wrong choices in some areas and that you overcompensated (i.e. best of everything) based on circumstances that were beyond your control. Tell her you loved her so much you thought the way to connect and stay close was to allow her to do/say anything she wanted and to treat her as an adult. Tell her that was a mistake, that she is not an adult and she will treat you with respect. Give the reasons (her behavioral issues) why you came to this conclusion. Tell that this disconnect in her development is acknowledged and you intend to fix it.

Let her know that talking back to you with disrespect hurts and you will not accept it. Let her know some of the difficulties of your past (nothing that an 11 year old can't handle) but let her know you have been through some things and made some sacrifices and came out of it because of your love for her and you know that you will get through this phase because of your love for each other.

Then be a parent and raise your child to be a respectful, caring and giving adult. Also, it is great to have kids (I have four of my own and love them dearly) but do not allow your life to revolve around her because she will become resentful and feel trapped or stifled. Sure you should be interested in your kids lives but also take time to indulge in your own interests, meet some friends, create new experiences. Your child will grow up and leave the nest and then where will you be? Take time for Mom and you both will be happy.

Good luck to you Mom and hang in there.

Answer 2

Mom !!
She is 11 !! There is a chance that she if reflecting...knows of her dad's bad behavior and the consequences. She knows the family had to split because of him. She is angry!! Who does one take it out on?? The one you love. You have assure this lil' girl that you love her so much...(which by the way is GREAT)...she does not worry if you will leave her...you have assured her you WON'T!! She needs that foundation. She is angry and has every right to be. You are the parent...not her. She is part of the decision making??? I hope the question given to her was should we make a cake or a pie. If it is more than that...your asking a child to answer an adult question. That is pressure. That could make her angry. We as parents make mistakes...we all do...I was never a parent before I was a parent. How could I do everything right. Realize some things that you did that maybe weren't so good. Take them to her...and tell her you are sorry. Hug this little girl. She is hurting. Hurting people ... hurt other people. Other peoples actions effect other people. Her dad behaving badly effect her...effect YOU. You are angry that he is not paying child support!! You are hurting. Calm your lil' girl. Doing that will calm you. Stay devoted to your theropy. When things are better....STILL GO !! You haven't even seen the best part of being her mother...there is so much joy that is to come...I know...I have been there!!

Answer 3

The part they don't tell you about parenting is what your real goal should be. Its to separate from our kids and to have them separate from us.

Your daughter, with some unusual circumstances, sounds normal for an 11yr old. So do you. Suddenly you are coming face to face with another person, not a baby.

You also sound like you are over compensating for the situation with her father. Its not your fault so stop trying to make it up to her. Be her mom. Love her unconditionally, discipline her life, support her big dreams and the small ones, and show her what a good woman is. She is learning, right now, how to be a woman and a mother from you, so watch what you say and do.

And here is my most important piece of advice. Stop being her friend. You are not her friend, she is not your friend. That is an awfully heavy weight for a little girl. You are her mother. A mother listens and doesn't try to fix everything. A mother nurtures and doesn't try to do everything. A mother is firm and consistent because something in life has to be. A mother loves the child always, but disapproves of bad behavior.

Good luck, you are in for a journey together. You will be just fine.

Answer 4

Because of everything you were going through, you projected the friend thing more so than the Mother thing. Get her back in check, she is 11, it shouldn't have gotten this far, but keep in mind after 11 and 12 comes 13 and then the teenage years, which could be even more of a challenge to you if you don't get a hold on it now. Reinforce the Mother thing, put your foot where the sun don't shine if you have to, but you get your child back. Yes, you created the monster and you know it, so you have to fix it. Be the "B" if you have to, but you be the only "B" in your house. I know this because I raised three daughters by myself, I worked and put all of them through school, two through college and the baby through cosmotology school. The youngest, oh she tried me, oh how that girl tried me, we fought, we cused, we kicked, we screamed, we called the police, I told them to take her because I was going to kill her, they put her in a home, which she loved, but she caught hell and she missed being home with her sisters and I, it was a long road between 13 and 18 for her and I, but now she is 23 and we made it, I love her, always loved her and always will love her but again I am the number one "B", let the "B" stand for the first letter of my name or what you think it stands for, I had to be a Mother and that is what I was and still am, but disrespect I tolerate from no child of mine. Oh and prayer does work. God Bless.

Answer 5

You treated your daughter like your friend instead of you the mother and she the daughter. We as parents can not be friends to our kids and that is where some of us mess up. We think that if we befriend them that they will love me more and they will listen, but that only gives the child the opportunity to use it against us. They feel that they are close with us and if they ask us for something or if they can go some where that we would say yes with no problem. But when they began to grow up we want to put our foot down and become parents when it is already too late. Our kids are growing up anf they are growing up fast and we have to start young teaching the difference between right and wrong and not be their friend gove them the opportunity to make friends heir own age. I know that it's hard and you feel like your losing her but your not she's growing up and you can not deal with that now and hate to see her grow before your eyes. Start now putting your foot down it may hurt you but you have to be strong because what you are doing is for best interst and well-being. If she feels like she hates you let her and start taking the thing that meant the most to her until she realizes that you mean business. These kids are at that age to where if they say they hate you they are hurting you and we fall for it, but what I do when my 12 year old say it I tell her that you won't be the first and your sure not the last. Kill them with their own words, we have to stand in what we think. Until you see your Dr. stay firm, but love her no matter what she knows you do that is why she say those things. Good luck.

Answer 6

Hi dear,

There are so many moms going through the same thing as you are. We always want whats best for them. I might seem harsh, but you might have to get a bit though with her. NO means NO. I like a lot of the advice from Dr. Phil. Taking away some privileges for not listening to your reasonable expectations. Can you thing of something you can take away from her for back talking. Or maybe take away TV, computer and thinks she likes in her room for not following on ch oars you set her. and how about grounding her for a weekend.

Its very difficult, but if you want her to straighten up you have to be persist en. Doing it one day and not the other will make situations worst. Also guilty feeling is something we all feel and end up giving up to what they want.

Its all up to you and your strong will of power.

Answer 7

You made the mistake of trying to be her friend more than her parent. She's too young to handle her freedom and responsibility well and so acts in an extreme way.

State your expectations and impose simple consequences instantly, just as you should with a younger child. Try to get some behaviour change before the black years of teen girl hormones hits.

Maybe they already have. So just ride it. The hugs will be over for 5-6 years then she will return to some level of sanity. That's how long you have to hang on. That's what girls do. School and family life exacerbate it. Just like with a baby, it's hard, but the challenges change over time and so make it more tolerable to deal with.

How about getting a new man about the house ( a good one this time). They scare sullen teens so as least they shut up and hide in their rooms until they grow up a bit.

Answer 8

No one promised you would always like your child but that you would always love her. It is not easy to raise a respectful, kind, intelligent child, and be their friend too. It is not your job to be her #1 gal. It is your job to be her mom. Whether your daughter knows it or not it is for her safety and well-being that there are rules. Disrespect should be greated with swift consequences (no tv, no cell phone, no phone, extra chores).

My son recently spewed forth, "You are the worst mom ever. I hate you." I slapped him. We retreated to seperate ends of the house and cried. It sucked. I love him with all of my being but we were both wrong. I gave it an hour and went to his room and stood firm. I did not appologize for smacking him in the mouth even though I was desperately sorry. I instead informed him that he had no right to hate me however he would soon have plenty of legitimate reason. I listed his restrictions and his new set of chores and informed him that the remainder of the month (2 weeks) would be spent working around the house. Any further issues out of him or disrespect would result in grounding for the remainder of the summer.

I explained to him that I loved him. I am glad he is my son. I would not trade him for the world. The fight is over and the disrespect ends here or your consequences will only get worse. I hate to admit it that we have been very quiet with each other over the last week and I desperately miss my little boy that loved me completely. It is not my job to be liked but to raise an honest, respectful, hardworking and self-sufficient law abiding (mine for now :-) ) citizen.

Our children need our guidance and they will appriciate our strength when they are older but until then our word is law in our homes.

Good luck!

Answer 9

11 year old?? The power is all in your hands. I really mean it.

Take away all her privileges, lock her in her room, untill she stops being disrespectful. Don't buy her new things. It seems like at this stage only punishment will work in your benefit.

Do not let her see her friends, or go to the party etc. Do everything in your power to stop this behavior. Yes you have a lot of power over her. She must know it.

I don't care if it's such a stage of her life. She should NOT disrespect you.

Answer 10

She sounds as if she is going through puberty. All kids act like this at one time or another, she is pushing her boundries. She needs now more than ever to be told you love her, but do not let her get away with being disrespectful. Ground her, remove privilages, etc., and be consistant in the punishment, she will eventually come around. She will say she hates you, etc., but she will come around. Good luck.