Tethered to suicide?

Question

Two years stable on meds, I can count on two hands the number of times I've even felt depressed and not just sad or moody.

Had a good day today, fun at church, fed well on the Word, got home and sat down at the computer, and from nowhere it hits - my pill bottles seem more like cookie jars, especially those two. One pill out of either bottle lays me out cold. Empty both bottles and ... yeah.

Wrote in my journal, emailed a friend, prayed, used ALL my DBT and positive coping skills, and the cookie jars are still there. Just one, one won't hurt. But you can't eat just one, they're so goooood, just one more and one more and one more until they're gone and I'm as empty as the cookie jar.

I can't get sick again now. He needs me. He won't be able to take it if I get sick, he's had enough. He's had too much. I can't tell him.

Too late to call pastor, can't tell hubby, losing ground and can't find anything to grasp onto. This can't be happening.

Savvy?

Bipolar with severe depression and borderline personality disorder. Depression for 25 years, suicidal depression for 7. Yeah, I'm doing a great job at "acting" like I'm crazy. Thanks, big help there.

Been hospitalized 25+ times in 6 years. Not effective for borderlines because it creates an artificially low-stress environment and serves as an escape rather than an effective form of treatment.

Stable for two years - NO suicidal thoughts, very rarely depressed, on meds and in therapy and in a great church. No reason for relapse, no trigger.

Suicide attempt in '05 using pills - haven't been tempted since then until suddenly (the key word here being "suddenly") I'm back at this point.

Can't talk to husband; he lived in Room 1408 (reference to the movie) for 6 years, I can't send him back in. Called crisis hotlines so many times I know their schpiel better than they do.

Working on surviving until therapist appt tomorrow morning. Hoping someone can throw me a line.

Answer 1

Hold on there, Bessy.
Instead of enjoying the computer, do something physical that gets you occupied long enough to shake or overpower the magnetism from the cookie jars.
If you're not in a support group specific to your need (in addition to your church affiliation), find one and be diligent about engagement with it. You have to take your own steps to your own recovery. At least you'll be keeping company with someone you know and like (or will like more as time goes on).
As you know, prayer is the connection between ourselves and the living God. Talk to him more, let your communication with him reach new dimensions. You'll be inspired and uplifted if you do.
You put one finger in that cookie jar, I'm slapping your knuckles. Behave and God bless.
star

Answer 2

A 24 Hour, 7 Days Crisis Service
HELP LINE COUNSELORS
ARE ON CALL NOW!
CALL 1-561-659-6900
or
National Crisis Helpline - for use in locating the nearest crisis service in the United States. Phone Toll Free 1-800-999-9999

Answer 3

http://www.suicidereferencelibrary.com/test4~id~760.php

Please go to this site and read this ONE PAGE. It maybe will answer some of your questions and help you put things into perspective. Please. I lost my 22 year old son to suicide and I will never be the same. I don't see him as weak or cowardly, I see him as just not having had the coping skills to deal with what he was dealing with. There are things that help. Please read this page as a start. I will keep you in my prayers.

Answer 4

You need to find something to live for......I was in a deep funk for almost two years and it took a little puppy named Zachary to pull me out.......I hope you find the light at the end of the tunnel......good luck and do not.....do not give up......I care for you and yes I feel your pain....

Answer 5

Are you for real suicide?
or are you writing a chapter for your book?
Kinda poor either way.
Go to the hospital ~ check yourself in. If you have a husband, get him to help you.
Seriously ~ you need professional help ~ and the little bottles aren't the answer.

Answer 6

In the words of Cher to Nicholis Cage "SNAP OUT OF IT!" That was a good movie. Can you name it? Here's another one " How Many and What were the actor's name that remained of the Magnificent Seven after they saved the Peons from the Bandito's? YES I SAVY, I'm thinking about knocking myself off too. Don't ever get a male cat without a tail. Its obscene, this cat must have the biggest Balls in cat history. You should remain alive a little while longer. You have a "knack" with writing I think. Don't go until you have a couple of books written. God! isn't depression awful. Here's something to grasp onto. Damm! get my mind out of the gutter! I will not send you that naked pic of me. I won't do it! You can plead all you want. I simply refuse to do it! HUMOR, grasp that! Its what Mark Twain grasped when his Wife and Children died. Some Quotes by Twain............. What is it that strikes a spark of humor from a man? It is the effort to throw off, to fight back the burden of grief that is laid on each one of us. In youth we don't feel it, but as we grow to manhood we find the burden on our shoulders. Humor? It is nature's effort to harmonize conditions. The further the pendulum swings out over woe the further it is bound to swing back over mirth.
- Interview in New York World Sunday Magazine, November 26, /1905 ................................ Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand....................................... Humor is the great thing, the saving thing after all. The minute it crops up, all our hardnesses yield, all our irritations, and resentments flit away, and a sunny spirit takes their place.
- "What Paul Bourget Thinks of Us"
If all you think when someone mentions Mark Twain is Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn you are in for a surprise. One trick to beating Depression is to stop thinking whatever it is you are thinking. One way to stop your mind from thinking one thing is to replace what you are thinking with something else. My suggestion is to cultivate your Humorous side. Can you wrap your mind around this? This new idea I'm suggesting. Fill your mind with something else. Lose your opinionated side, rigid thinking, not having the ability to alter your thinking forces your mind to retain the thought patterns that cause your depression. After awhile it becomes automatic and your mind is so seemingly permanantly changed it takes a depression medication to enable you to function. Life cannot be taken seriously. Its to rediculous. Life is ment to be enjoyed, in the moment, not in your thoughts of your past or future. I have a task for you. Hopefully you haven't read these before. But even if you have, they can be read over & over again. The purpose of this experiment I'm suggesting is to get whats going on in your mind now Out and replace it with laughter. Pick up and read by Mark Twain "Roughing It" and see if it makes you laugh. You MUST learn to LAUGH Damm IT :) Let me know if you like it? No more Losing Ground. He has many funny books, short stories and articles. But I'll just start you out on this one. Here is a funny story on the German Language which he tried to learn but with little success. His kids picked it up easy. But he struggled with it. See if this makes you laugh? http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&rlz=1T4ADBF_enUS227US227&q=Twain+awlful+german+language&btnG=Search

Answer 7

stop trying so hard to sound crazy....amusing blog entry though. eat real cookies instead-or sugar coated almonds....they arent as fattening:D

Answer 8

No. I'm sorry, I don't understand it at all. So I've nothing to offer. Except my best wishes. Good luck and please, please don't do it