What should I do about my prejudice grandparents?

Question

My boyfriend is half Taiwanese, half Italian. I'm Irish, so I'm "white." My grandparents are very old fashioned and, though they've never said anything overtly, I can tell that they don't approve of us dating because of our ethnic differences. They comment on how "different" we are and have even made snide remarks about my boyfriend's Taiwanese mother (not while he was there, thankfully). My boyfriend and my grandparents have met, but I'm afraid to bring him to family functions because of what they might say or do. It really hurts me that my grandparents, whom I do love, can be so racist.

I also know that, if we get married (it's looking more and more likely, we've been together almost two years), we won't be having a church wedding because I'm an Agnostic (which my grandparents don't know) and he's an Atheist. My grandparents are very religious and might raise a stink about it or refuse to come.

What should I do?

howdy, some people (my grandparents included) don't think Italians are white, and prejudice against Italians can be fairly common. And I don't think it has anything to do with weather or not he's "harmless," he's just not a nice WASP boy, so they don't like him.

M Williams, it's so sad that you use your religion to hate.

Answer 1

what can u do other than to respect their viewpoint and not get angry with them .. hopefully they will come around and see that u are happy ...

Answer 2

Ok I kinda sympathize with you but you can't change how your grandparents feel. And you might want to let ALL of your family know about your religious beliefs....Italian is "white", but Taiwanese isn't. It does say in the bible that you shouldn't mix races, that's where your grandparents are getting the "you two are so different" thing. There really isn't anything that you can do. You don't have to pick sides and if your family tries to force you to then that isn't right, or fair, on their part. Personally I don't believe in mixing races, but you can't help who you fall in love with. He could be purple and all that matters is that you love him. If you family can't see that then who cares? They will either accept it or they won't. Either way you should be heppy. I understand where you are coming from with the love you have for your grandparents. My grandparents mean more to me than my parents do. They hated the guy that I dated for almost 4 years. I couldn't understand why, then at the end of relationship I started to see what they seen. He was a complete ***. The guy I'm with now....they love him and to them he is already their grandson-in-law and we haven't even talked about marriage yet. You should though stop and look and see what ALL it is that your grandparents don't like about him. Is it just the ethnicity or is it something else? If it's just because he is "different" point out that he bleeds red just like everyone else and that you love him. So they can get use to the idea of him being around for a long time. But if they don't like him for another reason, sit and think about that reason. You never know....But in M Williams' defense, religion isn't a "cover" for racism. Racism is a fear of the different. Religions just say that you shouldn't mix races just to insure the growth of that race. Two totally different things....Good luck with your family!

Answer 3

Racism is the result of people who feel horrible about themselves for whatever reason and project those feelings onto others. Unfortunately, you're probably never going to change your grandparents opinions. They're too old and too set in their ways. They should be happy that you have found someone that you love and that loves you and hopefully, you two are respectful of one another and treat each other well. My girlfriend's family can say some pretty racist stuff sometimes too, and the idea of raising a child around that kind of racism, ignorance and apathy scares me. You just have to be the best parent you can be to your non=existent but eventual children and teach them right from wrong. Racism is wrong. If someone, even if it's your grandparents, mother, father, boyfriend, whoever, says something racist or something you don't agree with, you don't have to take it. Stand up for what you believe in and let them know that language like that is unacceptable around you. Most people are too afraid or embarassed to speak up for themselves. But until we ALL take a stand and let people know that racism is NOT acceptable, it will never go away. Wrong is wrong even if everyone is doing it and right is right even if no one is doing it. Best of Luck to you and your BF!

Answer 4

Unfortunately, a lot of our grandparents can come across as racist. Some might try to sugar coat it and call it "old fashioned" but it is definitely a degree of racism. But let's not forget that we all have some prejudices in life, so love them for who they are, although that's a part of their personality you can live without.

If this were my grandparents and they made me feel uncomfortable with my significant other around them, I would ask to speak to them alone for a minute. I would get them in a room and tell them how much I have loved them and respected them my whole life, but I also care about my girlfriend a great deal. I would tell them this is something that was not going to change, so they have a choice to either get over it and be respectful around my and my girl, or I simply would not spend any time with them.

Now it is up to them. If they are still disrespectful, you have to make the choice to let them keep being that way, or to cut them out of your life. It may be a hard adjustment for them, so you might give them some time and just call them out publicly when they same something rude. For example, your g-pa makes a rude comment, and you call out, "GRANDPA! That is horrible of you to say that. Grow up!" If you do this enough, it will all work out one way or another.

Regarding your wedding, this is about you and him, so if someone chooses not to come, who cares? If you love someone you would be willing to get married alone. If they are disrespectful of you two, why would you want them there anyway?

Answer 5

Time to do a little research.

Go look up and research the history of Irish American immigrants in the United States. Find every quote you can about them that's bad.

Put them all into one document and switch the word "Taiwanese" for "Irish". You might even look at British quotes as well.

Ask them if they agree with any of the quotes. Tell them you understand their concerns, as it's very hard sometimes to be in interracial relationships with non-whites (use this term very deliberately).

If they agree with even one, show them the original. Be sure to include at least one (there are plenty) about Irish people NOT being white.

If they get upset, saying they were tricked, ask them directly:

You mean you would represent your views differently if you'd seen it was about the "Irish"? That makes the difference for you?

Harsh, perhaps. Stunningly effective, overall.

Answer 6

It's something you are going to have to deal with, it's very rare that you can convince the older generation to change on these matters (if you can, it will take a very long time)

You can probably get them to accept the boyfriend's race but the religious part will be really hard. My best advise would be to get married in a park and tell the grandparents that you think that is more a house of God then a building of stone. (I know.... thin, very thin)

Answer 7

Stop fretting about the old folks. The best you can hope for is talking them into not interfering with your life. Old people can't be changed. What has to change is your belief in yourself and your ability to make your own decisions and to act on them without seeking your grandparents blessings. You can be nice to your grandparents just don't bother trying to change them. They can't change even is they wanted to and I'm sure they don't want to change. So change what you can change: Yourself. They won't change even if you do. So don't worry and let them know the real you. Or do what most people do butter them up when you visit and live your real life out of their view.

Answer 8

Just tell them the Truth on how you feel," now". At first the Truth may hurt them. Yet there Love for you will always flourish. Don't worry about the church or wedding. If you tell your grandparents the truth on how you feel. In time they will respect your decision. Because you told them the truth of Who You Are. The truth shall set you free.

Answer 9

I often find that when I have a dilemma with someone and I'm not sure what to do, it can be helpful tell them exactly that: "I have a dilemma and I'm not sure what to do."

Describing ourselves, what we're seeing going on, how we're feeling in regards to it, and what we're concerned about as a result ... just that, describing what it's like for us ... can be a real gift to the relationship. Often unexpected positive possibilities can come of that kind of sharing of ourselves with them ...

But it's not a gurantee. Being respectfully, affirmatively honest with others in such a situation increases the chances of something productive coming out of it, but we can't really force other people to do anything they're not willing or able to do.

I personally come from a very conservative family, politically and religiously, while I'm progressive to the point of radical in both those areas. And I've had to realize my parents are never going to change, and I have to mourn the loss that represents for me and work at finding compassion for their limitations.

Like others have said here, it does sound like just talking with them is a basic first step, giving them the opportunity to know you better ... including the opportunity for them to know you love them and care about your connection with them.
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Answer 10

It's time to come out in the open. Be honest with your family and above all, to thine own self be true. You have to let your grandparents know how you feel about your boyfriend and how much it hurts you that they are not being supportive of your relationship. If he treats you well and is a good, loving person, then they have no grounds to stand on.

My mom isn't too thrilled about my atheism, but she loves me and supports me nonetheless. I hope your family will be the same for you. Good luck.

Answer 11

Perhaps the two of you could have a powwow with your parents and maybe your aunts and uncles and figure out how to work this in such a way as to keep peace within the family. Also make sure HIS family has no issues, although it sounds as though they probably dealt with them a generation ago.