I married a man with a 9 year old daughter who refuses to eat what is cooked for dinner.?

Question

I married a man with a 9 year old daughter who has always been allowed to eat what she wants for dinner. She eats a lot of fast food and other junky food. My children had to eat what the family was having for dinner. I don't believe in cooking or serving something special for one child. My youngest is now 17 and eats a healthy meal at every dinner. I don't feel that it is fair to myself or to my 17 year old to allow the 9 year old to have a different dinner. She is with us 50% of the time. While I don't want her to not like coming to her dads house 50% of the time, after raising 3 kids of my own I'm not willing to be controled by this only child. If we eat what she wants when she is with us, it is more junk than my daughter and I can handle. Eating pizza, McD's etc...once in awhile is o.k. but not half of your week. I always try to include at least one thing that she likes at dinner but, her list of acceptable food is so short I have a hard time. How can I make dinner more peaceful?

Answer 1

Well you said it....she's a child and she eats unhealthily. Serve what you make for dinner, and if she doesn't eat it, she goes hungry. No special trips to KFC or McD's for her, it's not fair to you or your kids for her to have special treatment. Stop her spoiled behavior while she's at your house, and eventually she will learn to respect your rules, and realize that she's not the parent. It doesn't hurt to make burgers and fries at home, you can make burgers healthy and bake french fries, so that she can have her favorite foods without them being cooked in a grease pit. You can let each child choose what's for dinner one night per week, and if she chooses to not eat what the other members of the family eats, she can be hungry and lose her night to choose for that week.
Eventually she'll get tired of being hungry and thankfully eat your cooking.
When she starts to complain, mean as it may seem, make her leave the table. Dinner is meant to be pleasant, explain this to her and if she refuses to comply, she can sit in her room while the rest of you have a peaceful meal. If your husband is a sensible man, he should agree to this and know that it is only for her own good, she needs healthy food!

Answer 2

You husband has to step up and tell her that when she is at yall's house that she will accept what is made for dinner or go hungry b/c if you do it it will just cause rebellion trust me my boyfriend's daughter is 9 and at that age you can become an enemy quick and that will make bonding with her very hard. Also try this set some things out for dinner on the counter have her pick one thing from each catagory( 1 meat, 1 fruit, 1 veggie, ect..) and ask her to help you cook it. It's a good way for you and her to bond and you both should have fun doing it and bring in your other kids if you want and make it a family event. She'll still be able to make a choice or two about dinner and she can have fun doing it.

Answer 3

Then show her where the groceries are located and have her make her own dinner. She'll get sick of the effort and having to clean up the mess soon enough. She'll also eat what's available if she's truly hungry. You are not a maid service or a housekeeper. Let her eat what she wishes, but don't prepare it for her or drive her to a drive-through. Dinner will be as peaceful as you make it. Just by asking this question, you are letting her get to you. Be very matter-of-fact about her new independence in preparing her own meals and let it go. She's not going to eat any worse than she does now, anyway. And, most likely, she'll get sick of her own "cooking" and start eating what everyone else does.

Answer 4

She's probably testing you more then anything. Of course you don't want her to hate you but it's absolutely unreasonable for her to refuse everything you make. I would involve her more in menu planning. My girls (12 and 10) love helping in the kitchen and are much more apt to try new foods if they made them. Involve her in the shopping and everything. My kids have tues for the day they cook the entire meal. Anything they want but it has to include veggies, protein, etc. Talk to her about a healthy meal and why it's important and then let her help plan it. Also, we do fri night leftovers and "fun" food. Not all junk but pizza or something with healthy sides. Have her start by coming up with healthy snacks. My girls fave is strawberries, ice, milk and a little sugar blended- instant smoothie and pretty healthy and very yummy! Family Fun on line has some great kid friendly yet healthy suggestions. GOOD LUCK, and be tough!

Answer 5

Not fair to your 17 year old - give me a break. LOL If you did a good job raising you 17 year old, she can certainly understand a kind and gentle transition, and that a step mother coming at a 9 year old with a "MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY" kind of attitude is EXACTLY the wrong tactic. Make dinner more peaceful by allowing junk food one time a week, getting the 9 year old invested in the next night's meal by giving her jobs to do to help plan and prepare and shop for the meal, and having her play video games or something the next night while you prepare a meal, and then giving her a "one bite" rule so that she at least tries each part of the meal, and then eats a pb&j sandwich that she makes herself if she does not want to eat it. As you get to know her better, you will be better able to prepare meals that she enjoys and finally - peace.

Answer 6

I think the key is your statement that "her list of acceptable food is short". Maybe you can reverse it and do what a friend did in a similar situation. She let the child make a short list of a few things that she really didn't like. That was it, she had to eat everything else.
You don't say whether your husband is supportive of you or her. Supporting you can go a long way in making her understand that this is how everyone eats at her Dad's house and she needs to eat that way as well.

Answer 7

i think that you are doing the right thing. Letting her know that she can't control what EVERYONE eats for dinner. She sounds very picky and maybe she will figure out that what she gets is what she eats...might motivate her to try new foods. there's sooo many different things you could make. Perhaps buy a kids cook book and look up some fun recipies for her to try & help you in the kitchen at the same time? maybe if she was a part of the preparation she might be more apt to decline fast food & unhealthy eating habits.
but all in all, you are doing a great job sticking to your guns. I don't cook special for anyone either. :) good job and good luck to you!

Answer 8

My bf's daughter was like that too. She never comes here anymore though so it's not an issue. When I was a kid I was very fussy and if my mother made stuff I didn't like, then I was allowed to make myself a peanut butter sandwich instead. At least it's a healthy alternative and kept me at the table during family meals. With my own daughter, my rule was that if I served a meal, she was allowed to choose one thing not to eat. Fortunately my daughter likes just about everything now, but she did have her phases.

Answer 9

You never mentioned what your husband has to say about the situation. No offense, but you're not her Mom. I know that it's your house as well but I think that making a big fuss over fast food is a bit overpowering.

Your husband is her Dad so why not let him decide what to do and then follow his lead? If he's okay with letting her eat the junk food, then let her. Her parents should make the decisions.

I have a step daughter as well. I do not try to act as her mother because I know that I am not. My husband and his ex-wife decide what their daughter eats and when, where she goes to school, which dentist she sees, when she's allowed to wear makeup, and whether or not she's old enough to see a PG13 movie.

My husbands ex-wife knows that when her daughter is in my care, that she'll be safe and well cared for. She knows that I am not out to overrule or overshadow her as a mother. She's greatly appreciative for that and you'd be surprised at how harmonious the relationship is between us. Their daughter is 15 yo now and is growing into a wonderful, beautiful, pleasant young woman who doesn't have any emotional baggage because the adults in her life made power struggles over fast food.

Let it go. It's not that big of a deal and it's not worth causing turmoil in your household. If it's okay with her parents then it should be okay with you too. Your own daughter is old enough to understand.

Answer 10

This is a symptom of the real problem...
Respect is the key to non-forceful cooperation....

Most parents do not listen to their children and this builds a lack of respect and destroys lines of communication... You are starting from a low base of respect since you are not her mother...

My advice... Include the child in your meal planning.... Let her have input into what the family is going to eat.... If she wants fast-food, open up a meal or two a week for fast-food and then ask her to help plan other meals that will be made at home... Include your 17yr old & your husband as well... Publish the plan and stick to it....