My friend just lost her 18 yr old son today, he jumped into a lake and could not swim. How can I comfort her?

Question

I always feel awkward dealing w/ death and don't know how to behave or know what to say/ or not say. I get on edge, but I really want to help, b/c she loved her son so passionately that it breaks my heart to see her have to go through this pain. Any help or ideas are welcome

Also this was her only child and she is a single parent. Anymore help is appreciated and I thank you all for your answers thus far, I think the key answer that I have gotten is to show her a lot of support, to show her that I am not turning away or scared off from her during this time, but am there to love all the way through. Thank you

Answer 1

Just be her friend as you have.There really is nothing that you can say or do to change her hurt at this point.All you can do do is hear her out as she talks about her son,laugh and cry with her.Time will heal her pain just stand by her side to make it easier for her.

Answer 2

Oh, that's terrible. My thoughts and prayers go out to your friend and her son, first of all. Secondly, it is terribly awkward to find the right thing to say when something like this happens. Also, coming from the perspective of someone who has experienced loss, there is nothing you can say to make her feel better, and everything you do say will sound really phony and cliche, no matter how much you mean it. What you need to do is show her through your actions that you're there for her- go over to her house and just sit there with her and listen to whatever stories about him she might want to tell. A few days from now, help her with household tasks like laundry and dusting that she can't bring herself to do anymore. Become her assistant in terms of helping with funeral arrangements and scheduling. These things seem small, but they will take the weight of responsibility off her, anyway.

Answer 3

The only thing you can do is be there for your friend to make sure she can endure the intense grieving process ahead. At least try to make sure her physical needs are met such as grocery shopping, errands, make sure she eats. Ask her family if you can help with any arrangements needed for her son's manner of burial. You can help her with shopping for food, take her to appointments and suggest she see a doctor or therapist when the time comes. It won't be easy. Just be there for her and give her support. You don't necessarily have to say anything as you can honestly say you don't know how she feels. My prayers and best wishes are to both of you.

Answer 4

I don't think that there is anything that you can say to someone going through this tragedy that will comfort them. Just be there to help her deal with everything. Comfort her the best you can, be the shoulder that she needs to lean on. That would be the best thing that you could do and she will be greatful I am sure once she is able to see past all of this.

Answer 5

My grandfather was buried about a week ago today. And as you can imagine, my grandmother is taking it very hard. It would be that much harder for a mother burying her son.

A hug will do a lot. Listen to her, if she wants to talk. Bring her meals: It's a pretty sure thing that she won't feel up to cooking. Bring her flowers. Help her with her house-cleaning: That's another thing she won't feel like doing.

I'm so sorry to hear this happened.

Answer 6

Your silent presence and prayer will be of the greatest assistance.

If she needs to have someone take care of details - you can offer to do that, or to be her voice. Or you can simply be at her side.

Consider cleaning her kitchen or house or car or doing her laundry to prepare for the visitors over the next week.

Sleep overnight on her couch.

Put a new message on her answering machine - so she can pick up messages rather than jump every time the phone rings.

Answer 7

Try to be yourself around her. Being tense is going to make it harder for her because she will know that her loss is making you pull away, which is the last thing she needs: she needs your support badly right now. Just tell her that you're there for her, and offer her specific things: do you want to talk on the phone? Do you want me to come over and hold your hand while you cry? Do you want to go for a walk?

It will also probably be helpful for you to help with the more concrete things as well, because it may be difficult for her to take care of things, such as keeping the house clean, cooking, stuff like that. She may not want to ask for help, but you can always just bring food over. She may not want to eat, so be prepared for that.

Remember to tell her, "it's not your fault" - she needs to hear that right now. She will probably have a lot of guilt right now.

The kubler-ross model says there are 5 stages of grief:

1. Denial : The initial stage: "It can't be happening."
2. Anger : "How dare you do this to me?!" (either referring to God, oneself, or anybody perceived, rightly or wrongly, as "responsible")
3. Bargaining : "Just let me live to see my son graduate."
4. Depression : "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"
5. Acceptance : "I know that I will be in a better place."

She will probably experience all of these things, combined with depression and guilt, and they may occur in any order, so be prepared.

Just be yourself, and say whatever is in your mind. Don't worry about saying "the right thing" - you'll help her more if you are yourself, and aren't scared away by her tragedy. Don't worry about being awkward, either. You'll be fine.

Answer 8

I lost my 15 yr. old daughter 2 yrs. ago unexpectedly. And I know its awkward for those who haven't experienced the loss of a child. But all we need most is a listening ear.

Continue to just listen to her and cry with her, I'm sure your doing that already. Your an awesome friend to her.

Sincerely, ellen

Answer 9

i dont want to sound rude or mean but there is no words you can say to her to make her feel better, ( i lost my dad 6 months ago kind of the same thing that guy did) but just call her but dont say how you doing? cuz you already know how she is doing, not good. take her out to lunch, listen to her when she wants and is ready to talk about her son let her know that you are always there for her no matter what time of day or night it is!!! when she wants to be alone let her be alone dont try to push anything on her..
i hope this helps out a lil
good luck
i will be thinking about your friend and just let her know that your son is always with her and watchiong down on her

Answer 10

Sometimes just sitting with someone is something special! I bet alot of people are calling her and talking and asking questions about what happened. Try to just sit there and be with her. Try being of Service to her. If she needs something you can get it for her or if she needs you to listen you can do that. It will take time and no one knows how long it will take, be patient with her and just be there. Good Luck and don't forget to take care of yourself in the process of helping her, I'm sure you have some grieving too!