Bipolar disease is ruining my marriage!?

Question

I was diagnosed with bipolar disease when I was about 16, but it is only in the last 6 months that I have had real symptoms. At first I didn't know what it was, but my friends and family definitely knew something was wrong with me.

The problem is, it is ruining my marriage! I have been emotionally abusive towards my husband to the point that I think he may be nearly done with me. He does not understand the disease and says that "change has to come from within." He sees it as something that I can control myself, and although I have been trying, it is impossible. I can honestly say that I am not in control of myself when a high or a low hits me.

What can I do or say to save my marriage? We are on the verge of separation right now, he has already said some time apart might be best. But I just know that would only make it worse, because I need him in my life to feel even the smallest bit of happiness! Right now he is refusing to speak to me and I have sunk into a deep depression.

I am ashamed to admit I have not been receiving any sort of treatment. I only recently realized how serious this disease is. I was not told at the time of my evaluation at 16 what to do about my condition, I was just left to figure it out on my own.

Thank you to the people who have answered so far. The more I learn about this, the better.

Answer 1

It's rough. To be with a bipolar person, it's a real challenge.

It might just be that he is not equipped to deal with it, just like some people cannot deal with a person who has lost their legs or sight or arms in a car accident. It requires someone who is a caretaker, and is more demanding of their time and energy. Some people are just not equipped to take care of someone else to that level.

He doesn't seem to comprehend that it is out of your control. He sounds like he thinks it is you needing to change you r anger. It's not your will, it's a chemical process in the organ of your brain, just like a hear tor liver problem.

The best thing to do is try to gain insight, with time, you will be able to sense when mood swings are about to hit. when they do, just try to avoid others and deal with it. It passes.

When you are manic, it's a real creative period, usually. Do artwork, or write or something that harnesses that energy. When you get down, take a walk, and just be there with your feelings. They pass, in time. Do not give in to manic urges, like gambling or sex or binge eating, or crazy driving, because life is so exciting.

I have been told that studying Buddhism helps, only because it teaches you that feelings come and go, you are you, your feelings separate from you.

Good luck to you. A lot of people do not understand what Bipolar is. I long ago had a girlfriend that said, "Oh, yeah, I am bipolar." I had no clue what it was, I wish I did. The fights were horrific, and it just drained me of energy. We only lasted nine months. I don't blame her, I blame my lack of education. now I know.

Good luck. It might be that you will have to divorce, but with some education on it, he might figure it out. Go to NAMI sites, and such, to give him and education on it, and dealing with it.

Try to find a Bipolar support group at a local hospital.

Answer 2

I feel your pain. I have bipolar type I and general anxiety disorder. I have been hospitalized a couple of times. Mental health is something that doesn't seem important until you don't have it. I have had the same problems as you. Me and my husband have been together for three years and it has been an up and down ride. We have been physical in the past and we almost haven't made it. First of all, you didn't say what type of medications you were on, if any. My experience with this disorder is that you may find that some medications work great at first and then suddenly they do a whole 360 on ya and your ready to kill! If you are suddenly experiencing spurts of mania or depression, it's probably a sign that your medication has stopped working. And that happens. That's why they say to control it doctors have to give you a "cocktail" of medications. If you aren't on medications then you definetly need to go and talk to a doctor and see what you can get. It definetly helps. It is impossible for someone with Bipolar disorder to get through life episode free if you aren't on medication. I've tried the whole ignorance is bliss thing, but it wasn't. I mean that you can't ignore the problem like it's not there. Bipolar disorder is a mental disorder. Your husband needs to understand that. When it is us dealing with the disease it's hard to remember that we are not the only ones dealing with it. My husband has a hard time sometimes remembering that too. I have found that going to counsiling sessions with him actually help. And counsiling may be a good opportunity for a professional to convince him that you actually do have a problem. Let him have his space until he thinks that he is ready to stand up to the plate. But just try to get into some kind of counsiling program. If you are worried about money, they have sliding scale programs that are based on your income. I also know in the state of Texas that they have such programs as MHMR(Mental Health Mental Retardation). I have gone to these clinics and recieved free doctors care and counsiling. It just depends. I hope this helps. I know that it can be difficult!

I just wanna add the guy who said don't look for couples counsiling is dumb!! This is a marital problem not just a problem with you disorder. In order for a marriage to work it has to be 50/50. And it sounds like you husband needs help understanding your plight.

Answer 3

Yes, I believe it could cause divorce. I read on some Bipolar web site that if one of the people in the marriage has bipolar there is a 90% chance they will end up divorced. I know a man that sounds just like your xwife. He sometimes acts like a different person and never seems to be satisfied in what he has even though what he has is great and so many regular type of people would love to have what he has and be in his situation. He makes irrational decisions all the time. Bipolar peopler really need medicine and then they will be ok and function well. Without the medicine they are all over the place with their crazy behavior even though they really are lovable people that mean well.

Answer 4

My husband is bipolar and we have been married for almost 4 years. I knew him a year and a half before I married him knowing he is bipolar. I love him and it has been hard at times but I made the choice to stay with him. Did your husband KNOW you were bipolar when he married you? Or did he find out afterward? This happened to my uncle with my aunt and it was VERY hard on their marriage. The significant other, or SO needs to be very patient and understanding in order for the marriage to work. It sounds to me like he is beyond being patient, because he has been trying that. He wants YOU to want to get help, then he will feel like you are both working together to live with this disorder. If you just sit there and be bipolar with no desire to learn how to cope with it, he probably feels you don't care. I think you should sit down with him and come up with a plan, even if you do not decide to get treatment. See how he feels about it and be patient while he vents. I really hope this helps you.

kathryn

Answer 5

Get treatment. As long as you avoid treatment your husband can hold you accountable for your moods because you could be taking some action to get help. I'm bipolar, so I understand the lack of control, but the most important thing with bipolar disorder is finding the right medication and staying on it, no matter how well you start to feel. It can take a while to find the right meds, and it's frustrating, but it's worth it. See a psychiatrist ASAP and explain yourself to your husband. My boyfriend can tolerate my outbursts because he knows even when it's directed at him, I don't mean it to be. The more you both know about your illness the better your relationship will be.

Answer 6

First of all, bipolar CAN be treated and controlled. But you can't just take some pills and think that's going to do it. You also have to be in counseling/therapy. That's a must. You need to learn how to deal with your emotions so that you don't take it out on the person who just happens to be closest----you husband.
If you REALLY want to save this marriage---and equally important---get your symptoms under control---get your butt into counseling right away. Don't make empty promises--you actually have to go. No excuses. And this is for you not for your husband. Don't look for "couples" counseling. If you need help finding someone you should call your mental health doctor for suggestions and recommendations then check with your health insurance to make sure that counselor is on your plan.
To save your marriage----and yourself----this is your only option.
Best wishes.

Answer 7

I feel for you, I really do. Have you been getting any sort of treatment? Going to cognitive behavioral therapy, I've heard has worked wonders.
I think you need to sit him down,and explain as calmly as you can, that you are going to try to get help, and will be working hard to try and improve the symptoms of bp. Tell him, that having him beside you, is a great motivater to want to be living a healthy and functional life, and that there is still hope for happiness between the two of you.
He needs to see right now, that you are really serious, that you love him, and will commit to being a better wife to him. I know that hearing this is rough, but it might be the only way to understand what you need to do.

Please, I ask of you, look deep within yourself.
Know that you CAN get this under control. I realize that it is an illness, but with the right therapy and integrated life habits you can learn, you can get through this, and live a relatively normal and happy life.
Please believe that you have the strength to make your life better.
I wish you all the best.

Answer 8

First of all, you cannot be there for someone else when you are in need. I am sorry to hear that this is happening to you, however, you need to take time off and seek better ways of dealing with this disease. He probably does not understand the cause and effect, and is having difficultly dealing with the process. Apologize and get help as soon as possible. If in the end everything turns out for the best, then you will probably end up with him. If he can't wait or understand, then it is best he go because he will be no help to you in the long run.

Answer 9

When you mention the reason that you do not want to separate from your husband, I think you are more concerned that if you separated, it would become permanent. I understand you are afraid of losing him, but you are losing him everytime you are abusive.

You need to understand your disease and develop some program to maintain control over it. A program not only involves medication but possibly talking to a professional on a regular basis.

I know you are trying hard to save your marriage, and it is a terrifying feeling to think you are the cause, but you need to understand what it is to be bi-polar and so does your husband. He may also benefit from reading up on the desease and maybe seek someone to talk to about it.

Answer 10

wow do i know what you are going through.. my wife is bipolar and me bieng the husband .i can tell you that it is hard to deal with her..some times shes is ok and before i can walk two steps her mood has changed..but i bring her to councilling every week make sure she is takeing her meds..i think counciling and meds are importent part of her or youre treatment..i also got involved in her treatment program. and informed myself as mutch as possiable about the disease and how it works.but evan with all the knowledge i have it is still hard to deal with.but i guess if you truly love someone you can make it if you stay involved .and communicate with each other.is also very important..