I graduated college in 2006 and now live with my parents 6 hours away. My boyfriend and I have been dating since November 2004. We have a long distance relationship and I'm starting to get antsy about our situation. When we were together I never even thought about marriage, much less getting engaged - now that is all I think about and argue about. I feel like I need some sort of hope of marriage - because he's not graduating for another 2 years. He started late because he was in the military for 4 years. Previously married/divorced at a young age, I feel like he's scared to marry again. Even though he doesn't think so. I guess my question is...is it selfish for me to pressure him to get engaged when he's still working on school? He says he wants to be married before he goes to Grad school in 2009, however he has yet to propose. I know patience is a virtue, but I'm scared that I'm being strung along.
2007-07-11 06:02:42 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
As a side note: I am living with my parents in order to save enough money to help them put a down payment on a condo. They're in a financial bind - which is one reason why my boyfriend is hesitate about marrying me. He doesn't want the mortgage to be in my name. I know that it may seem unfair for my parents to place such responsibility on me, but they're family right? I am 24 yrs old. If it were my choice I'd be in grad school by now.
2007-07-11 07:30:52 · update #1
Well put LovePink222!
I agree! If he says he would like to be married before he starts grad school in 2009 you have plenty of time to get engaged. Typically the engagement period is a year (though for some of us it's longer for one reason or another). Don't pressure him. You want to wait until he is 100% ready or you'll always wonder when he would have asked if you hadn't pushed him to. He will in his own time.
As far as the distance thing goes, I know it's hard ( my fiance and I are one opposite sides of the state for most of the year) but it will only make it all the more special when you two are together.
Good luck and best wishes!
(PS: He's a smart guy to want to finish school before getting married! Listen to him! It sounds like his head is in the right place and he wants to be able to take care of you before getting married.)
2007-07-11 06:15:07 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Tough situation. I'm not sure how old you both are. You don't want to pressure someone into proposing. If they want to do it, they will do it. He is probably scared about marriage as he has already had issues in the past. Continuing to argue about it is only going to prolong the situation. Proposing can be expensive as well. You don't need a ring to propose but most men feel obligated so he may be saving to buy a ring for you. You will be together for three years which isn't an incredibly long time yet I can understand your frustration and insecurity.
I think you should arrange for a time that the two of you can sit down and talk. Explain to him that you don't want to pressure him and you don't want to continue to ask and/or argue about it. Ask him if he is scared. Ask him what reservations he may have about your future together. Ask him what he wants. Explain that you are afraid that you both have different views of the future and you don't want to be lead on. Tell him that you don't think that is what he is doing and that you would rather hear the truth from him, even though it might hurt you, then have him keep things inside. Even though you may love each other, if what you want for the future is different, you may have to go your separate ways. However, if he can open up with you, he might see that what you have will work and last.
2007-07-11 06:20:52 · answer #2 · answered by C C 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
would getting your own place or renting an apartment near him be an option? at the very least, that would take the long distance problem out of the equation, and then with the extra time you're spending together, you'll be able to see if the two of you can work out and take your relationship to the next level. please don't pressure him into anything, he'll end up resenting being pushed into it when he's not ready for it. waiting until after he graduates is a smart decision, you shouldn't hold that against him. i can totally understand the fear of being strung along, i've been there and felt that too. but the fact that he said he wants to get married before grad school is a very good sign, that shows that he does have marriage on the brain. so, if possible, move closer to him, and try your best to be patient. good luck!
2007-07-11 06:29:53 · answer #3 · answered by LoriBeth 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Never pressure him to get married. At this point, even if you have not discussed marriage in full, you should know his intentions. If you feel like he still will not marry you after school, then dump him.
If you feel he wants to finish school first, let him. Do not dump him b/c he wants to get an education first. That's selfish. If you two want to get married, you need to allow the other person to get to a point in their life when they are ready. I don't blame him for wanting to finish school first.
The issue here seems to be the long distance part. If you have a problem w/ that. Then maybe this relationship is not strong enough.
Instead of worrying about marriage and commitment so much, why don't you get your life together. Get a job, save some money, maybe travel.
However, do not pressure him to propose to you.
2007-07-11 06:10:31 · answer #4 · answered by Answer Girl 2007 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
No one should ever pressure anyone else into getting married regardless of the situation. Marriage should happen because both parties MUTUALLY want to, not done out of obligation. If you can't wait for him, then you should end the relationship, but don't try to force him to do something in the time frame YOU have in mind.
2007-07-11 06:15:25 · answer #5 · answered by T L 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sorry darling but he seems that he's out fo rhimself and himself alone.
He's obviuosly focusing in getting his education (smart move may I add) and yes, if he was in the miltary and he was married before I'm sure he has been cured for any wedding bug bites.
If I was you, I wouldn;t hold my breath on him marrying you any time soon. My guess is that he wants to graduate and see where it goes after that.
Are you willing to put up with a long distance relationship for 2 years more? If youlove him, you will wait, if his schedule doesn't fit you agenda, they should reconsider yoru relationship with him.
Good luck
2007-07-11 06:13:06 · answer #6 · answered by Blunt 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Relax and enjoy the relationship. If you're always pressuring him to propose he won't. Let him find the right time right place, so that it can be a memorable event, not him just giving in and saying ok lets get married then...
2007-07-11 06:12:38 · answer #7 · answered by past_princess 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Youre not being strung along. He is doing the right thing, for where he is right now. Let him work on school. In the meantime, get out of your parents house and enjoy your life! If you can be truly independent, you will not feel the need to jump so quickly to the next step. Just let it evolve.
2007-07-11 06:15:39 · answer #8 · answered by fizzy stuff 7 · 2⤊ 1⤋
you should never have to pressure someone to marry you! honestly, do you want to be married to someone you had to force into it? you are in very different places right now, you are ready for marriage and he isn't. is he worth waiting for? do you honestly think if you keep waiting, that you will one day get married? if you love him so much and want to marry him, can you move closer to him and support yourself until he is ready to be married? those are questions only you can answer for yourself. marriage is about compromise from both people. both of you are going to have to find something that works to make both of you happy. otherwise, you might just have to move on.
2007-07-11 06:28:54 · answer #9 · answered by not margaret 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
WHY would you want to pressure him to get engaged/married???
I don't get this. You should want him to go in thinking that he wants this because both of you want it, NOT because "man she kept nagging me to get engaged".
2009 is a few years away, give him time. Don't nag or else he will NOT propose!
2007-07-11 07:11:42 · answer #10 · answered by Terri 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋