Should I be concerned that my fiance has not told his parents yet we are getting married?

Question

We are getting married June 28th of 2008. We have been planning the wedding the past three months. We have already paid deposits on the church, caterer and the reception hall. He is the only child to his parents. His mom treats him as a mama's boy. I do not have my ring yet but will be getting it within the few weeks. He states he doesn't want to tell his family and friends until it is official with me having the engagement ring. Don't you think he would be excited to tell his family especially his mom? I even asked him during a conversation the other day is it because he mom would not approve of me ( i have only met her once at this past xmas) and he said that his mom has never quite approved of his past relationships. Does this kinda bring up a red flag that his mom dicates a lot in his life and could be hard to please and get along with? Plus I have asked him if his mom wants to look at dresses with me and etc.....He said she that she wouldn't be interested. :(

Answer 1

The way I see it...
Your fiance is a mama's boy... He doesn't want to be a mama's boy, but he is..

He knows his mama well enough to know that she will not approve of the wedding. So, if he tells her, she'll be mad.. If he doesn't tell her, she'll still be mad, but she won't be able to stop it..

Okay, so he figures the best way for his wedding to get off to a good start is not to tell mama until she can't stop things.. As soon as she knows she's be crying and trying to stop things. She will blame you for stealing her boy, and will hate you... Okay, so your relationship with your mother-in-law will not get off on a good start..

So you'll have to be prepared to deal with an irrational hot tempered mother-in-law. That said, I think there is still hope. You and your fiance need to talk about how you would deal with the situation.. Hopefully your mother-in-law will learn that she needs to give you a chance to play a positive role in her boy's life. I hope that she learns that you were a positive factor in her life too. Once you give her a grandchild then everything will change.

Answer 2

My fiance didn't tell his mother for about 4 months. The reason was way different though. They had been in a little bit of an argument and both were too stubborn to call the other. He refused to be the first one to call. All is fine now. Turns out his mom didn't even notice he hadn't called and was just really busy with some family stuff that had come up. She lives about 800 miles away, so its not entirely uncommon for them to go long periods of time without speaking. Because they live so far away, even though we've been together for 4 years, I've only met them a couple of times. We've talked on the phone and sent cards back and forth as much as we can though. However, in your situation, I might be a little concerned. Is there a good reason you've only met her once? Did you get along with her pretty well when you did meet her? If by the time you have the ring, he doesn't tell his mother within a week, I would really start to worry. I had to threaten to call my fiance's mother myself and he eventually got over being stubborn, but even that almost backfired. If he comes up with another excuse not to call and tell her, you may have to put your foot down or at least reevaluate whether you really want to marry this man. Remember that you're not just marrying him. You're marrying his family too. No matter what anyone may tell you, getting along with his family makes a huge difference in the stability of your relationship. However, just to give him the benefit of the doubt, wait until you get the ring before you really start to worry. Maybe he's worried his mother won't take it seriously if you don't have a ring yet. It may be embarrassing to him that you don't have it yet. One of the first things a person says to a woman when she becomes engaged is, "Let me see the ring!" He knows his family and how they will react better than you do, so try to be a little patient. As for dress shopping, you should ask her to go yourself. Even if she declines it would show her that you thought enough of her to ask and its the polite thing to do. Who knows, could even win yourself some brownie points. Good luck. I hope it all works out for the best.

Answer 3

Another way to look at it is that once he has the ring on your finger his Mother will think it's too late to raise any major fits. My Mom was kind of the same way with my brother - but when she knew he had gotten the ring that he was past the 'talked out of it' stage. I'm guessing that since you've only met her once that you do not live in the same vicinity. That in itself is a good thing and a good sign - he had the courage to move away from Mom, which tells me he's not as under her thumb as you think. She probably does have some influence, but he's not being controlled by her.

As for dress shopping, I agree with the other posters - all you can do is ask. Just because he thinks she won't want to go, he doesn't know for sure. Sometimes even if she turns you down, she'll still respect you more for just asking, and would be ticked even more if you didn't.

Good Luck!

Answer 4

just a quick question to add to the good stuff already on this board..... do you not have a ring yet even tho you have been engaged for over 3 months. is it because he does not have the money? is it because it is something you both picked out or designed and it is right now this very minute being made? do you know exactly when you are going to get it? or is there some unknown reason that you are unsure about, that is, you dont really know why you do not have a ring yet, but he keeps telling you it will be a few more weeks, and, then you can announce your date. cause if that is what he is saying, it just may mean that he is stalling. and that can be a bad sign.

Answer 5

Sounds like you already know the answer. How long have you been together? Maybe that's the reason he doesn't want to tell them yet, if it hasnt been that long. I think maybe after you get the ring, make it a point to go over and see his mother. If YOU have to tell her, then tell her. There seems to be something amiss here. If you cant have total communication between the two of you, theres one red flag. You need to be able to talk about everything deeply. You need to be able to trust each other and it sounds like that may be another red flag. Getting married isn't about the wedding or the parents or the bridesmaid dresses....its about loving someone and being able to work things out, to RESPECT each other and to have fun with each other. You need to ask him to set a date to tell his mother and if he refuses, find out the real reason why. He should be proud that you are his wife-to-be and that you are going to spend the rest of your lives together, whether momma approves or not. He has chosen you because he loves you and you make him happy.....that should be enough for momma.

Answer 6

I think what you should do is try to get to know your fiance's mother before you announce your engagement that way she doesn't feel like her son is getting married to someone that is a complete stranger to her. She may be a little difficult (lots of mother-in-laws can be) but it's good to make an effort and show your fiance that there's nothing to worry about. I think he is just afraid to get any type of negative reaction from his mom, but if you get to know her everything will be easier to settle into and then once you both announce the engagement ask her if she'd like to go shopping for a dress together (guys don't always know) which would also show her that you want her to be a part of your wedding and a part of your lives :)

Answer 7

I understand where you're coming from. He should be excited to tell his Mom that he is engaged. But I also understand him wanting to tell her when the ring is on your finger..... I think it's kind of a guy thing, you know, like he doesn't want to be embarrased when everyone asks to see the ring and there isn't one yet. My boyfriend doesn't want to tell anyone we plan on getting married until he gets the ring. I could care less about showing off a diamond, but I do want announcing to be special for the both of us, and if he needs a ring to be involved then so be it. Best of luck.

Answer 8

I wouldn't say it's a red flag unless he comes up with another excuse after excuse. My husband didn't want us to tell anyone until we were all gathered at his parents house for Easter. Had nothing to do with wanting to wait because he was ashamed...he just wanted the moment we announced it to be special and have everyone included on the big celebration! Don't worry just yet. Let this be a happy time for you two and once you get the ring, start making arrangments and plans for how to annouce it to everyone!

Answer 9

Send them a box with your wedding invitation AND a bunch of baby stuff and possibly an invite to a baby shower if you want to plan that far ahead. One thing I learned about parents disagreeing with your choice in a spouse...It is NOT their decision. My husbands family despised me, my family despised him, we invited them all to the wedding and on our wedding day they managed to accept it. We have went far past the time they thought we would and are happily married for nearly 2 years now. Don't worry about what your parents think, it is your life. And I would honestly say, as I told my mother and father, If you dont accept him as part of your family then dont accept me..He is going to be my husband and we ARE going to have a baby, with or without your approval. I'm very happy for you and congrats on the lil one, we've been trying for a year. Your child isnt a burden, but a blessing and thats how your family should see it.

Answer 10

I would drop the subject and wait until you get the engagement ring. Then bring up the subject of his telling the family. If he continues to not tell them you have a serious problem.
Yes, his Mom sounds like trouble, but you're not marrying his Mom.