Should I still be irked?

Question

My husband got married at his folks historic home back in December. We had a beautiful, intimate, ceremony with a dinner following there at the estate. We only invited around 40 of our closest family and friends because we wanted a small, private, meaningful night. Everything went perfectly (cept for the preacher forgetting our names) and everyone was wonderful. However, over the next week as we started opening our gifts, we noticed most had no name tags. I blamed his mom and brothers for not being careful and getting things messed up. I was heartbroken because I had my thank you cards ready to go. But, then we realized that all the gifts without names were actually from his parents. It is no exaggeration to say that 70% of the people who attended our wedding showed up without a gift of any kind, and one couple, whose daughter was one of my flower girls, and I paid $350+ for her dress and accessories, only gave us a greeting card. Running out of room, so I'll continue below.

Now, his family is not well to do but they are all comfortable financially. Two of my husband's friends asked where we were registered, and then showed up giftless anyway. My husband's nephew even said that the gift was in the mail, that he had ordered it late and we should get it any day. Well, it never came needless to say. I am shocked at this still today. Some of my family members who said that they were mailing gifts also failed to do so. The best man didn't even get us a card. I'm ticked off at how everyone came and intruded on our special day (invited, however) ate our food and smiled to our faces but then gipped us a good one. Am I wrong to feel this way? I'm hurt and disgusted and haven't spoken to his friends since, haven't actively avoided them but haven't been face to face with them either. Yes, I don't want to seem ungrateful and wasn't expecting to be showered with gifts, but we spent a lot of money and I feel really hurt. My husband is ticked as well. Help.

Ok, I dont want to sound ungrateful. I suppose it is just me thinking how horrible I would feel if I were to show up to someone's wedding without a gift or at the very very least, a card. Common sense should guide us here on this, heck you don't even show up at someone's house invited for dinner and not ask if there is something you can bring. I did not expect to be showered with gifts and gifts were not more important to me than having people that we cared about be there to share our special day with, it's just a little disturbing to me that they all did this.

I was asking to see if anyone else had a similiar thing happen to them, or if they would feel the way I do.

p.s.
No, the gifts were indeed from his parents.

Ok, so I made a typo, I meant to say My husband and I.......see, I was irked typing this lol

Answer 1

did you get married to be with the man you love or to get gifts?

Answer 2

While gifts are customary, they are not required. Besides, ettiquette says that guests have up to a year after the wedding to mail gifts to the happy couple. Also, don't take this the wrong way, but your avatar has gray hair. If you are an older couple or this is your second marriage, many people may have assumed you already have the things you need. I wouldn't take it personally if I were you. I'm sure no one meant anything by it. Besides, you got married to be with the man you love, not to get presents. Its not something worth being concerned over. You should still send thank you cards to those who attended the wedding whether or not they brought gifts. As for the relative who said his gift was in the mail, check with your registry and make sure the address you provided is listed correctly. It could be a simple error that's causing the problem. I'm sorry that youre so upset by this, but weddings aren't about gifts. They are about celebrating with the people you love. Just because they didn't buy you a wedding gift shouldn't affect the way you feel about those people. That would be very petty on your part, and I don't believe for a second that you're a petty person. I'm sure the emotion of everything has simply gotten the better of you, and frankly, I can't say that I wouldn't be a little put off as well. The important thing to remember is that you are married now and you are blessed to have a wonderful man in your life who loves you. Nothing else should get in the way of basking in that kind of happiness. Good luck on your marriage. Wishing you all the best.

Answer 3

I think it's an error to view the wedding like a balance sheet (i.e., we spent $1000, so we expect to get $1000 in gifts to break even). The point of your wedding was to launch your new lives together with a bang, and you would have spent what you spent anyway, right? You'll make yourself nuts if you start viewing the event as accounts payable and accounts receivable.

That said, I think it's dreadful that your nearest and dearest chose not to give you and your husband gifts. You are absolutely right to have hurt feelings. It's not about the money you spent to have them at your wedding. You opened your heart and extended a gracious invitation to them to share the most special day of your life, and they treated it like it was nothing special. Awful. I'd be pissed and sad.

I know where you're coming from -- since I was a teenager, I dutifully attended all of my cousins' bridal showers, baby showers, and weddings, lavished them with gifts, and dreamed of the day when it would be my turn. When I got engaged, I got radio silence. Nothing. Not one of them offered to throw me a shower, and a few of them never even acknowledged my wedding except to return the RSVP card saying they weren't coming. It wasn't about the gifts -- I had a plenty of *stuff* -- it was the tacit rejection and the message that I didn't count. It sucked really bad. It's been a bunch of years, but I'm still not over it, and I attend family events with a touch less zeal than I used to. I totally understand your hurt.

Congrats on your wedding. I hope you find a solution that makes sense to you.

Answer 4

According to etiquette, no gift is actually required at a wedding. The violation was not in omitting a gift, but - in a least a couple cases - lying about sending one.

For my part, I would never consider showing up at a wedding without sending a gift, but the fact remains it's not impolite to fail to send one.

I think you should let go of this and try to concentrate on the positives. You had a lovely wedding, and you married a great guy. I know you're disappointed, and I don't blame you, but sometimes life just hands you a big ol' barrelfull of lemons and there's not a lot you can do about it.

Answer 5

Sounds like you were expecting "to be showered with gifts". The fact of the matter is, while its very common to get gifts its not by any mean necessary. They don't have to give you anything, and you didn't have to invite them (by the way, the comment about them "intruding" is ridiculous... they were your GUESTS). It's a little rude to tell you a gift is on the way if one is not, but don't jump to the conclusion that it's not coming when it might actually be on back order or something. I find it a little shocking how important this seems to you.

Other details that might help...
Is this a first marriage for both of you?
Did you live together previously?

EDIT:: Well put casper4!

Answer 6

The point of inviting people to your wedding is not to get a gift from them. It is for them to witness your marriage. It's not a fundraiser for you.

That being said - is it "rude" of them to show up empty-handed? Well, yes, I think so. I personally would never do it. And if I HAD to show up empty-handed, I would bring a card and explain that I'm getting them something later. But you don't know the circumstances behind it. Some people may be sending you a gift later on. Maybe some people genuinely couldn't afford it. But the point is, they are not *required* to come with something for you.

If you feel mad, fine. Be mad. But there's nothing you can DO about this without keeping your dignity. You can't say to them, "Hey, you never brought me a present, what gives?" without looking like a greedy, selfish person.

Personally, I would be the bigger person, and I would send you a thank-you note that expresses your joy with seeing them at your wedding. This could make people call you up and say, "Sorry I didn't bring anything, it's coming after I get my next paycheck." Or, "I brought you a gift, didn't you get it? Maybe the tag fell off." Are you 100% certain that all those unmarked gifts are from his parents? Is it possible (I hate to suggest it) that they could claim the gifts are from them when they really aren't?

And on a side note: $350 for a flower girl dress??? What's it made of, gold? If you have $350 to blow on a dress that'll only fit a kid for a few months, then I think it's safe to say that you don't *need* presents or money from these people.

Answer 7

Frankly I wouldn't be irked.

Like I've said before, I do not expect, require, or demand a gift with every invitation I send out.

My only wish is that they attend. I will be happy to get a card from them instead of a gift.

However, if they say they have a gift in the mail, and it never showed (as in it was never bought or sent), then I would be irked because they LIED to me. Make sure the gifts did not get lost or walked off before you get too irked though.

Answer 8

I remember reading somewhere that etiquette says guests have up to a year to get you a gift. Hopefully by next December the gifts will arrive?

If I were in your situation, honestly, I would also be upset. No, you didn't get married for the gifts, but getting a gift is the courteous thing to do!!

I know it's hard, but I wouldn't let this ruin your relationships with your guests. I know it will affect them somewhat, but don't cut them out of your lives. Move on and leave it in the past.

Answer 9

A few months after my wedding people started asking why they didn't receive a thank you note from us and confirming that we received their gifts. Turns out we didn't. At least 10 cards with money/checks and about 6 boxes "disappeared." We later learned that we were not alone. All of our friends had the same experience of theft at their wedding from either staff of the reception location or guests. Make sure they didn't walk off before you assume they didn't bring anything.

Answer 10

I know it is hurtful and it is rude not to bring a gift, but you have to look at it this way. Did you invite those people so they would bring you a gift or did you invite them because you wanted to celebrate your marriage with them? I have always taken the attitude that my gift is their attendance. I don't spend a lot of money hoping to recoup some of it in gifts. I spend the money because I want things a certain way and I want the reception to be nice for my guests. If you take that attitude it will be easier to overlook their lack of etiquette.

Answer 11

I think, given that almost everyone who goes to a wedding brings a gift, your friends and family are just lacking in good sense. What are the chances that 70% dont bring a gift? Is it possible that your in-laws told everyone they dont need to bring gifts? Technically, they have up to a year to give a gift, though.
I think it is probably not the gift itself you want, but just the same acknowledgement of congratulations that every other couple receives from their guests. Its almost sounds like they dont really care.