What to do if find out fiance cheated...?

Question

My boyfriend of 2 years, now fiance as of June just confessed that he cheated back in Oct. We had been planning a sooner wedding, Dec. 2007... I've already bought my dress, reserved and put a deposit at the reception hall....
He confessed that he had sex with his ex-girlfriend. She went crazy when we started dating (even though they had not dated for 2 years). She apparently had randomly emailed him last Oct. said she changed, and wanted to meet up to talk. Icecream at wendys turned into a drive, turned into pulling over to make out, turned into driving 10 min away to her house to have sex (which apparently stopped only 2 min later, before.. you know..) He then cut off all contact, deleted emails she sent in April again. He says he will do whatever I want, give me passwords, never go out, move in now so I can watch over him... I just want to know can a marriage work where someone has already cheated, even if they say they won't do it again? Is it true once a cheat, always cheat

Answer 1

dump the jerk

Answer 2

Though most men who cheat will probably be repeat offenders...that's not true for EVERY guy. It seems as though he has made some very good steps in the right direction by cutting off all contact with this girl. One thing for sure you have to get across to him that you will not tolerate this. Maybe some time apart (just a little while to scare him :) might do. Also if he's willing to make it up to you then by all means let him. Ultimately, it's going to be up to you. Do you feel as though you will ever be able to trust him again? If so then go for it. December is a while from now, so you've got time to think. But if you don't think you can regain your trust you might as well cut your losses now. I've been through a similar situation and trust me, once the trust is gone, there's not much left. Love without trust can quickly turn to hate. Also if you two are spiritual people maybe premarital counseling from a minister will help. If you're not, maybe now is the time to make that step together. A God centered relationship is more likely to last. I wish you the best!

Answer 3

This is a great question. I don't think it is quite true that once a cheater always a cheater. Trust that if he can cheat once he will have it in him to do it again, there is no doubt about that. But it doesn't mean he will. The thing that sticks out to me the most is that your relationship hasn't even began to hit the rough patch yet. What happens when he hits that 6 year mark and starts getting bored? That is when that once a cheater always a cheater might prove to be true. If you can find it in your heart to forgive him and to trust him again, don't let anyone talk you out of that. It is your relationship and you know best. But if you don't think you can spend THE REST OF YOUR LIFE with him- don't let the fact that you've already spent money on the wedding be a factor in making up your mind. That is just material and won't matter in the long haul. What really matters is 6 years down the road... if he cheats again and you have two kids...you have two choices... stay with the man for your children and be miserable, or divorce him and have your children calling his next wife mommy??
Good luck and sorry this happened to you.

Answer 4

Cancel the wedding immediately. Until you KNOW this is going to work out, you don't want a wedding hanging over you.

Once you've done that, then sit down and think. It IS possible for a cheat to change... but it is unlikely. Unfortunately, in relationships, the past is often the best indication of the future. If he did it once, he may well do it again. But that is not necessarily true for everyone. So think: do you believe your fiance is the exception to the rule? Is he worth taking a chance? If so, then give him a chance, and make him go to couples' counseling with you. If that works out, then you've saved your relationship. Yay! If the couples' counseling does not work or you really believe he'll cheat again, then dump him now. Get it over with so you can start working on getting over him, moving on, and finding a guy that will respect you and your marriage. Good luck!

p.s. I also advise talking it over with friends and family that know you well. They often have some great insight!

Answer 5

I'm engaged as well. I can tell you that if my fiancé cheated on me, I would be devastated, and I don't think I could trust her again.

I think that you need to consider the harm it did to you to be cheated on. You also need to consider whether or not you will ever be able to fully trust your fiancé as trust is really what marriage is about. I'm not making any assumptions about your man here, but he confessed to having cheated on you once. This doesn't mean he hasn't done it before, just that he confessed to that one time. A friend of mine got a similar confession from her man, then dug through his email (she's a programmer) and found that he had actually cheated on her with A LOT of women.

My point is that, in my eyes, what he has done is irreversible, and while it is wildly inconvenient that you already bought the dress and have made preparations, it would be exponentially worse to marry a man that you can't trust. Ultimately the decision is yours, and breaking off the wedding would be painful, but I think it would be necessary.

Just remember, he went to talk and made a conscious decision to go back to her place and cheat on you. I don't buy the bit about not finishing either btw (during sex).

Good luck.

Answer 6

If you want to be in the position where you feel you need to constantly monitor him. Worry about where he is when he's "working late". Receive phone calls where there is dead air on the other end of the line and wonder if it's another woman.... the scenarios could go on and on.

You cannot possibly monitor him 24 hours a day and why would you want to? Why would you willingly put yourself in a situation with a man you cannot trust. If he wants to cheat again then he's going to find a way. He'll give you his passwords to check his mail then he'll set up another account you don't know about. He says he'll never go out?!?! Come on... how likely is that? Do you want to be a wife or a jailor?

I don't believe that once a person cheats that he/she will always cheat. However, if you marry him then he knows he got away with something that was hurtful to you. You, in essence, allowed it. He had no reason to meet her in the first place. She said she changed.. ok... so what?! Good for her. Why did he need to meet with her? Did he tell you he was going to meet her? Did he invite you along? Probably not.

You're going to end up driving yourself in to a very unhappy situation where you can't trust him and you'll always be wondering what or who he is doing. Is it worth it?

Cut your losses on the dress and kiss the deposit goodbye. It will be much more expensive for a divorce or dangerous to your health if he ends up giving you a disease that he picks up after one of his dalliances.

Answer 7

I have been in your situation and honestly, the trust level will never be the same. Everytime he goes somewhere without you, you will wonder if he's with her or any other girl. You will find yourself digging in his stuff to see what he has been up to. This girl apparently has no shame becuase even though she knows you guys are getting married and is still trying to get with him, she's not going to stop. Becareful becuase it could get alot worse.

Look at it this way, would you rather loose a few bucks or live a life of insecurity and unhappiness? Once you let him get away with it, he will find himslef doin it again, maybe not this month or the next, but eventually down the line he will do it again...

Think about it, if the tables were turned do you think that he would forgive you?

Answer 8

Man, that is a TOUGH question. Unfortunately none of us can give you an answer. Every person that answers is probably going to have a different opinion. This is really something you're going to have to figure out yourself. Do you honestly feel like you can trust him now that it's in the past? If it's not the ex-gf, what if it's someone else? It's great that he wants you to trust him again, but he can't force that on you. You're going to have to trust him on your own time. You having a lock and key on his whereabouts and checking his e-mail, etc. is not good for the relationship. I do think that it's possible it was a one-time mistake and he can stay faithful, but I also firmly believe that if you can cheat once on someone you supposedly love (and have chosen to spend the rest of your life with), there's a reasonable chance it'll happen again. I hope you can figure this out and that whatever you choose, it's for the best. Good luck.

Answer 9

Do you feel like you can honestly trust him? If this is something that will always be in the back of your mind, then don't marry him. It can cause a multitude of problems and fuel other problems. You might get paranoid at very innocent things. You might hold it against him in the future during arguments. You may never trust him 100%. Are these things that you want?

I think that it is possible for someone to make a mistake, come clean, and it never happen again. But personally, I've never experienced it. I have never had a succesful relationship after someone had cheated.

Answer 10

I am very sorry to hear about this, i wouldn't know what to do if this happens. From how he described the event it didnt seem like an accident as before he meet her she mensioned she wanted him back, yet he still met her so obviously it wasnt just for an ice-cream. I always say if meeting is planned and alcohol not involved then his head was fully screwed on, thats when the once a cheat always a cheat comes in. Be strong because its better you get out now. Goodluck with your decision. X

Answer 11

It's not always true that once a cheater, always a cheater. However, you need to determine what kind of guy you're really with. And this will take some time. I don't recommend spying on him through passwords and whatnot, but instead, spend time with him and pay close attention to his behavior. Does he act differently around you suddenly? Does he "run out" and do a quick, mysterious errand? In the end, you will know for sure if you pay close attention to your gut instincts. It will take a while to build up trust again, but it can happen. You need to determine the underlying reason (if there was one) for him getting together with the ex. In the meantime, hold of on marriage until you're sure he's the one.