How should I deal with my mom?

Question

I'm 24 and I've been out of her house for about 6 years. I don't have a particularly great relationship with her. She is verbally/emotionally abusive so when she calls, I like to avoid answering the phone. I'e tried rationally talking to her but whenever I try, she says "good grief! can't you just grow up?" I hate being around her and in the past 2 days, she's left 4 voicemails on my phone. I just don't want to talk to her because when I do, she makes me so depressed. I know this sounds horrible but I just don't want to deal with all the emotional baggage. Should I just cut my ties with her? It's taken a considerable amount of therapy when I moved out to be emotionally stable. When I talk to her, it feels like I'm back at step one...What should I do? If I cut ties with her, should I call her and tell her not to contact me or should I just ignore when she calls? I'm at the end of my rope dealing with her. What do you think???

Answer 1

What she is doing is triggering your buttons, no one but your mother knows them that well. When she tells you to grow up she's putting you into a child like position, you have grown up, she's just refusing to acknowledge it because she knows you still question yourself.

I am not a believer that just because you happen to reproduce that you are qualified to be a parent, and in many cases the person has no business ever being around children. My mother is like that, and it sounds like yours is too.

When I was your age I struggled with loving someone that I knew I was never good enough for and who was not capable to parent me the way I needed her to. She was an ineffective mother, self centered and manipulative. She still is, even at the age of near 80. And she had rewritten history to justify her behavior.

I wanted a mother who would nurture me, be a confident, teach me how to be a woman and be my supporter. She's not ever going to be that person, and it took me years of trying to finally come to that conclusion. It set me free.

I love my mother but my life is happier without her in it. I made it a goal to be the mother I didn't get to my daughters, and I succeeded that goal. I am a good mother and we have a wonderful relationship, and they are your age.

You don't have to justify your feelings and you owe no one an apology or a reason for your decision to cut her out of your life. She will never ever change. You will be struggling with this when you are my age (54) if you don't take the upper hand right now and find the strength to stop waiting for her to become your mother. Again, its not happening.

Respect your mother, and love her. But do it from afar and always keep her at arms length. Remember, she is the grown up, you are the child, and it was her responsibility to be a mother. She failed. Don't give her any more chances to rip your heart out. Don't be angry or hurt, that just gives her power over you. Just live your life as you want to, don't answer that phone. When you have children, decide what is really important to you, and be the very best mom you can be. Love unconditionally and be there for your kids. You can break the cycle. I did.

Answer 2

You should NOT cut ties with your mother and don't listen to anyone who tells you to. Just improve your skills in dealing with her and learn to state your boundaries. It take two people to cause disharmony. You can explain to her you are an adult and you have to make your own decisions. She on the other hand needs to respect your decisions. I'm sure she has your best interests at heart. Relationships are not perfect - they take work. Unless your mother has an addiction or abuse problem there is hope of working it out. Trust me on this there will never be another person on this earth who loves you as much as your mother - but mother's are not perfect and don't get it right all the time.
Just let her know what you expect from her and at the same time she has the right to have her boundaries respected as well. Respect each other and don't expect perfection. If you love her WORK IT OUT
This is advice from the heart I hope you take it on board.
Good luck.

Answer 3

I think you should try writing a letter. Sure it sounds lame, but maybe it'll get her to listen. She can't interrupt or judge while you're writing. You also won't say anything you may regret later.

Write down all your feelings and tell her what you're considering. If you tell her how much she's hurting you, maybe she'll try to change. Though there aren't any guarantees. Just make sure you get it all down and try to make her see how you're feeling. If she doesn't then maybe you'll have to take some more time apart. Change takes time, so maybe it'll take some time for it to get through to her. So be as patient as you can and maybe it'll work. I hope this helps.

Answer 4

I`m sorry to hear that, that is a sad story.
If you went through therapy to deal with all of this, you should avoid the "trigger".
It`s like someone who is going to Alcoholics Anonymous and then going out to the bar. Someone who is really trying to quit drinking is going to avoid anything that triggers it. That includes so called friends and family (if that`s what makes him want to drink). It`s the same here. If you avoid her, i don`t think that`ll do it though, she`s your mother and is going to bug you until you speak up for yourself and tell her like it is!
I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 5

I'm no Theripist but your Mom is the one who needs to grow up! Calling you 4 times in a single day just to talk to you is a bit wrong! Your 24! You have your life and your Mother is trying to take it away from you, you should not let her do that!

Answer 6

nicely, my youngsters are like your son and extremely social. So if youngsters are taking part in they're going to circulate over ...to play. however the actuality right this is, there's a extensive distinction between a 9mth previous new child and a 21mth previous new child. the different element you are able to desire to be attentive to is you won't be able to administration others, purely you and yours. What i think of you are able to desire to have carried out in that situation, as a results of age distinction is save your new child occupied because of the fact her new child became doing effective on her very own. And frequently because of the fact toddlers "don't be attentive to the thank you to play great" had there been yet another new child close to on your youngster's age, have a watch on them and be waiting to chop up yours could desire to they no longer pick to share. the actuality is, in spite of the actuality that youngsters could be social bunnies, they don't be attentive to the thank you to share and play great each and every of the time. whilst they are older that variations.

Answer 7

i understand somewhat of what your going through. My mother doesn't always make me feel depressed but she can a lot of the time without really meaning to saying that i like to do the things i do to get a reaction out of her...as she likes to put it. she is very controlling and is trying to tell me and my husband where to live and how to live and it drives me nutts. The thing that we have to realize is that although it seems like they bring us down, which maybe they do.....its out of love. Because if they really didn't care about us than they wouldn't even make an effort to drive us crazy! lol
What you need to do i suggest if you haven't already is to sit down with your mother and talk to her and tell her how you feel and how she makes you feel...let her know how she is effecting your life. She is always going to have her opinions. part of it i think maybe that you no longer need her and that probably scares her. If she tells you you are messing up or whatever she is probably trying to make you think that you still need her in your life to get you through. I think its just a mother thing. She will learn to let go eventually but don't completely cut her off. Just love her and try and talk to her. Don;t let her bring you down. Know who YOU are and live how you feel you need to live.
Pray for her and for you. If you don;t believe in prayer, then i will pray for you!

Answer 8

Well the advice I give is advice I've actually used with MY mother. I had to set boundaries.
When she got out of line, I wouldn't speak with her, or write.
4 years later she issues had stopped.

Answer 9

ignore her and when she does finally find you tell her. mom your a pain in the rear. and that your tired of the b.s. and that your moving on and that she needs to do the same.