Christians: What would you do if after 6 years?

Question

Your believing wife was still very worldly, petty, lazy, and undisciplined? Im 31, shes 25.

More mature and older advice would be appreciated if someones been in this boat.

I didnt fully know her bad side when we got married, nobody does. By undisciplined I mean with money, with her responsiblities, lots of things. She has advocated separation many times so in a way she is trying to ruin the family.

I have every intention of honoring my committment to her and never divorcing her unless she were to cheat on me.

edhel> Nice job condemning me and not even knowing whats going on.

We currently do go to church full time and have ministries. Her sloppiness is getting caught on to at church. She makes appointments to play and practice music and then cancels, she constantly doesnt return the music minsters phone calls.

Im not trying to tear her down, simply give any serious readers a good idea of what im talking about.

Yes we are in counseling and its helped some, but lately shes taken a huge step back.

Fred Hunter: Do the words "taken for granted" mean anything to you? Little romantic things I do are routinely dismissed. When an argument comes up, Im just an unromantic jerk despite going out of my way for her.

Alley> Ive been offering to go to counseling again and one of the reasons I declined to go for a time was that she was abusing it and fabricating things there.

Yes she did just play her flute there. But that doesnt change any of the facts I mentioned. They are having patience with her and thats good.

I put it on here to get counsel from wiser more experienced believers which is what we are supposed to do.

The reason I declined to go to counseling with her is for the reasons mentioned above. When asked to go to him alone I felt I was getting anything out of it not that Im perfect. I know my problems and I know what to do about them. Counseling is for people that have no clue and are lost.

As far as the doctors apt's go, the stars just havent lined up for that. With the sex of the kid, that is an agreement we made a long time ago. Do you get upset when your husband doesnt honor agreements?

Shes goes to college here because it makes her feel good, not because of any career goal.

I always spend a lot of time on the computer. So does she. Thats my hobbie. Its not for you or anybody else to judge. I make sure I take care of all my responsibilities and I do everything she asks me to do. Yes I did temporarily lose my job, people make mistakes.

I do my best to work on things with her but when I bring up a problem I have she gets very defensive and nasty. Our communication is aweful.

As I said I put it on here to help get answers and counsel from believers. As far as I know she doesnt check my Q&A but if Im wrong, then so be it. Anything Ive said on here isnt anything I wouldnt or have not said to her face.

So now you know my side of it against many of her absurd arguments.

Answer 1

Well, since you can't change people, but you can change yourself, this is what I would suggest.

Be strong in the Lord in your walk. Treat her as Christ treats and loves the church. Set yourself up as a Godly Christian husband above reproach. The Lord will honor you as you uphold your wife and your covenant to the best of your ability. Stay strong and focused on Jesus. He will give you the desires of your heart. Through your example of what a Godly spouse is , God can mature your wife, and your relationship.

be blessed in Christ~vicki

Answer 2

Suggest marriage counseling. If she refuses that, something more is going on that you don't know about. If she has a cell-phone, look in it and see who's in her contact list. Does she insist on getting the mail all the time and acts nervous when you say you'll pick it up? Maybe she has credit cards you don't know about. I know after 5 years with my wife, I found out she had two seperate savings accounts and a credit card that I knew nothing about. I'd give her 4-$500 dollars on Friday, and Monday she'd tell me we were broke. I gave her an ultimatum: come clean, or I'll draw my own conclusions about things and she'll come home from work some night and me and the boys would be gone.
She straightened out real quick.

She's eight years older than me. Now, I'm 45 and she's 53. We've been married for 24 years now since I made myself understood all those years ago. Take a stand and be firm.

Answer 3

First off, how would you like it if your wife posted something about you on yahoo answers for the whole world to read? Just consider that. Also, ask yourself this--was she like this before the marriage? If she was, then she will probably be that way AFTER the marriage. Marrying someone doesn't change them. So many men and so many women especially think that a marriage will magically change someone. Faith or no faith, God or no God, marriage doesn't change someone. Who they are before the marriage is the who they are during it. You need to sit and first think about what is the best for you. Second, you need to consider that becoming a very bitter husband is going to ruin your spiritual life. Third, if you have children or may have children in the future, I can PROMISE you that they can notice if something is wrong in your marriage. Kids see things we don't even realize we are letting out. We wear our emotions on our sleeves, and kids CAN see it. If children are involved, you have to remember you are making a choice for them as well. You are choosing what life is better for THEM as well as the future for your marriage. You need to talk to your wife. Take each issue at a time. Tell her that you have concerns about the marriage. Be honest. You married this woman, and you are both adults. You should be able to be adults and talk about your issues. Talk to each other. Offer to work things out with a third party. Talk to your pastor or another therapist. You need to get some help. But, realize the reality of this. Sometimes if both people aren't willing to work things out, the marriage will not work. I hope things work out.

Answer 4

If you sincerely beleave what you have is the truth then continue to be a good example, be patient, don't push your beleifs on her, be long suffering and kind. Women can be won over with out a word but how you treat her, recongnize her weaknesses and continue to understand her make up and why she acts the way she does. It takes a lot of self controll and disipline and she still needs a lot of kind friendly guidence from you. Small things mean a lot to a women. and it's the kind of things us men just don't think a bout.

Women have a natural desire to recipricate and respond to the smallest things we would never imagine. So get some ideas from a friend like your mother, sister, aunt, or her best girl friend. to see what it is that will make her respond to the changes you desire. Be sincere.

Sincerely yours,
Fred M. Hunter

Answer 5

It sounds like your "believing" wife is "out-of-season". Is she conforming to the world, rather than the will of God? Are you two going to church? If you are going to church, you really should seek the advice and wisdom of your pastor, The bottom line is that YOU need to pray and be the head of your household, setting the example. If you hold a Biblical world view, you should seek God first and conform yourself to Him. You took vows for better or worse. I speak from experince, however, I was the "out-of-season" wife and my husband stood by me, honoring our marriage vows and being faithful until I really had a life-altering experience with the Holy Spirit. Please seek your pastor's advice and perhaps the two of you can go to Christian based counseling together. Also, networking with other, mature Christian women in the church is recommended and very helpful. It's really helped me to mature in many ways. I still have a lot to work on, but the fellowship can't be under-stressed. God bless.

Answer 6

Ask her if she liked to be involved in a ministry at Church.
Sunday School
Women's Fellowship
Meals Ministry
Decorating Committee.

OR

Ask her if there is a ministry at Church she'd possibly like to start.
Maybe a 20's-30's couple group?

More involvement will lead to more discipline. She'll see how other Christian women can have fun without having 1 foot in the Church and 1 foot in the world.

God Bless.

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Answer 7

There were a few similarities in my first marriage. The difference was my wife was not a believer.

The problems when they developed included infidelity, drugs and virtually abandoning the roles of wife and marriage partner. I stayed in the marriage longer than I should have, hoping she would change, and also hoping our son would benefit from having both parents in the home.

It did not work out and I ended up divorcing her after 15 years of marriage.

If your wife is a believer and remains faithful I would say there is hope she might grow into a more responsible and active Christian. I would encourage her, and be as patient as you reasonably can be. But stand your ground and insist she grow up.

Answer 8

I agree with "Use-me-for-great-works".. she said to pray for her ,be the head and set an example.. To me however she is flat out being rebellious and you need to pray against that spirit of rebellion...the rebellion is not really at you but rather the word of God. I got to ask this and I do not mean to hurt your feelings but are you trying to "Lord over her"..meaning taking your position as head and running with it aka being overbearing? A lot of woman already struggle with the submission thing and then if the husband gets too controlling on top of it, that can cause a problem. It is something that definitely needs your prayer.

Answer 9

i will still keep on waiting until the Lord truly convinct her to change. Sometimes God allow us to this kind of situation to test our faith on Him. I know you had heard a lot of advice regarding your situation now. Do not give up on her, just do your part as his loving husband and be more patient with her. Pray for her more earnestly and also evaluate yourself; you might have some character or behavior that is needed to be changed or improve in able for you to bear her more. I believe a wife is gift from God no matter what happens. Just love her truthfully and God will do the rest.
God bless you both!

i have to add this... involve her in ministry.

Answer 10

Do what a Christian would do. Love but do not hate. "To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife" 1 Corinthians 7:10-11.

Being in the Lord, you will have continual mercy and forgiveness, love and grace, patience and hope, peace and gentleness. Keep in step with the spirit and pray to the Lord and he will always strengthen.