For Christian women only...how would you handle this......?

Question

I've been married 15 years. We have a wonderful 14 yr old son. My husband works full-time. I am retired and work part-time. My husband has always expected me to pay the mortgage and all of the grocery bills. He does not contribute towards paying for our son's shoes, clothes, coats, school supplies, hobbies, etc. My husband pays the cable, the heat and electric, and the car insurance. He uses much of his money to gamble with. I have always been very resentful about our unevenly divided expenses, but my husband will not discuss it with me. He spends as little time as possible with our son, and our son feels very unloved by him. I stay with my husband because our son is so afraid that if his dad is not living in our home, he will not see him. Unfortunately, this could very well be the case, since my husband is very self-centered and has never really taken on the true role of being "dad". How would you handle this situation if you were me?

I would work full-time again, but I have severe health reasons for not being able to. So my income is very stretched, even while shopping at Aldi's and doing without as far as clothing and shoes for myself. I have one pair of shoes that I wear everyday, and four outfits. I cut my own hair, my son cuts his own hair. I'm not trying to have a pity party, I'm simply asking how other Christian women would handle this situation.

I have prayed for 15 years. Things have only gotten progressively worse over the years since my son is older and sees his friends doing things with their dads. I was told by my Christian friends to stay with my husband and pray and things will be better one day. If I would have divorced my husband when my son was a baby, I could have found a good Christian man by now to be a husband and father. It's too late now.

I love how Jtimson said she would not divorce under these circumstances. My husband refuses to have a joint checking accout. How was I supposed to know that he would be a lousy provider and father? How can I buy more clothes when I am lucky to have enough money to provide food each week? She is a mean spirited person, and judgemental to boot.

Answer 1

I would not say that your situation is one that merits a divorce. You have been like this since the beginning so it's not like his behavior has changed. You knew he was like this 15 years ago and didn't insist he change then. I am not saying that your husband is a gem of a guy but you did know what you were getting into.
As for what I would do, I wouldn't have put myself in that situation. Tell your husband that you feel like he values gambling over you and his child. You should open a joint checking and savings account. You are married. You are one unit. If you get a divorce everything acquired during marriage can still be split in half despite this separate living style. Too bad what makes him happy. You've been doing it his wrong way for 15 years and now it's your turn. Stop with the pity party of owning 4 outfits and one pair of shoes. For goodness sakes even Walmart and Goodwill sell clothes and shoes. If you would start respecting yourself maybe you would start demanding others respect you as well. I have 5 children and stay home with them. My husband works while I home school. We have been married for 13 years and are pretty much equal or at least feel like we are treated equally by each other.
Divorce is not an option. Quitters or abused people get divorces. Not people married to gambling cheapskates.

Answer 2

He obviously has a gambling problem; he is obviously self-centered, but alot of men are.
This is a real tough one, and be advised that I think alot of your answers will be to dump the loser. But i know thats not so easily done, because of your son. As a mom, you can't stand the heartache of your son being sad, and I realize that full well.
It sounds like he pays for the stuff thats important to him -cable, heat to keep his butt warm, electric to get meals cooked on, and car insurance so he can run to the casino. He needs a major wake-up call.
Your son is 14, and i wonder if it might not be a good idea to speak with him - a heart to heart talk. It sounds as if your son is well-aware of the situation, and he is certainly not a baby anymore. If you could speak to him about daddy needing a brick to fall onto his head, and that maybe if dad thought you were leaving him, he may try to straighten up. Perhaps your son might understand that it's "tough love" because he has a gambling problem, and as long as you guys allow it, his problem will continue. I think if it weren't for the gambling, he would spend time with the boy - but your husband has a problem and its an addiction, so he CAN'T DO WITHOUT IT. If he was forced to get help,
your son might just find he'll get his dad back.
I also wonder if it might be a good idea to see if you could both (you and your son) go
to a family councilor who could give you better information and better advice, ya know? They are out there, and if you only make part time money, it just may be free,
so I would check into that, really. And, your son would be a part of the discussion, so he will understand everything that you are told by the counciler. He will see that its love motivating you, not a will to do harm to his daddy. Whatever you do, continue to
love that boy and be patient with him; I know you must not feel well alot of days, and you have an awful lot to deal with.
If something happens to you, whats gonna happen to your son? He's gonna end up raising himself......on the streets.
You have to look at the bigger picture here.
Don't threaten your husband or tell him you are going to talk to a family councilor, because that will start a fight and that isn't gonna help right now. But you need to treat this urgently, and get out there both of you and talk to someone qualified.
I assume your husband is not abusive, just neglects your son, and so that makes it even harder to take a step because you feel guilty because he's "not as bad as other dads who might be abusers", but the real truth is, that your son IS feeling abuse, even though you don't see physical scars,
do you understand that?
Please just see what you can do about quietly making an appointment to speak to someone qualified with this sort of thing.
Call Gamblers anonomous - I've heard that they are very good, and can help.

Answer 3

I'm not a Christian, but...


I would look into how much alimony you would get if you divorced him. It might bother your son, but kids just have to live with that. If you're being forced to pay all those bills to the point where you basically broke all the time, that's basically abuse.

If your husband refuses to get help for his gambling problem, then he is causing both you and your son to suffer. You need to look into other options to stop your suffering.

If you don't love him anymore, you shouldn't feel obligated to stay with him.

Your Christian friends are wrong, by the way. Many people pray, and it doesn't make things better. Heck, you say you've been praying for fifteen years, and things still haven't improved. What makes you think prayer will start to work now?

Divorce his sorry butt and sue for child support.

Answer 4

I do not think this is a situation in which I would try to discuss it with him any further. I would just tell him I believed he is an addicted gambler and shirking his responsibilities as a father and provider in my family.

I imagine I might consider quitting the part time job and say... I am staying home with our son, as the mother, and I am here to help you in that I keep our home and family nurtured. It is my role as the wife. You are capable of handling all the finances with your job, and so...it is time now.

I know that a lot of people will not agree... but, you asked... what would "you" do... that is how I think I would handle it.

I would be highly suspicious that my spouse was being unfaithful. He may be gambling it all. But, since he is not showing me an account of where those dollars are going...I would be thinking infidelity could be a serious part of it. If I discovered infidelity, I would divorce him. Period.

I would sue him for child support in the process.

In my view... it would not be "my" money or "his" money... in all reality we are stewards of God's money... and we need to care for our families with it first and foremost.

Is your husband a Christian too? If so... I would go to your pastor and let him know what is happening. Your husband should be discipled by his fellow brothers. He is acting unfaithfully with his role as the husband and provider of your family.

I will pray for you and your family. I am so sorry that you are in this situation. May God bless you...

Answer 5

I'm sure you have prayed about it, but pray some more. The Lord will reveal to you what you need to do. What would I do? I'm a fighter, but if I felt the Lord moving me on I would go and not look back. I believe with all my heart that God ordained the husband / dad to be the head of the house / priest of the home. Everything trinkles down from the head. If he is living in sin ( gambling is a sin), he is not walking in the authority of God and blessings will maybe flow here and there, but they won't overflow like in a marriage where God is first. You say that your son already feels unloved by his dad. That is a burden he doesn't deserve to be carrying! Your son needs to see Jesus in his mom because he is certainly not seeing Him in his dad. So you decide what is spiritually best in the long-run for you and your son and remind your son that his earthly dad may fail Him, but the heavenly Father will never fail or forsake him.

Answer 6

This is a difficult situation. Based on information you give, I get the idea that you and your husband may be in your fifties or sixties. When we get to that age, it's harder to change. Apart from God working the change, I don't see much hope of your husband changing his ways. And I am sure you have prayed about this.

You have some decisions to make. You can stay and continue to put up with this. I think that would add to your resentment. Or, you can leave. As a Christian, you can leave or tell him to leave. You don't have to divorce. Legally, though, that can leave you responsible for your husband's debts. You could leave and get a legal separation. I think that may free you from the debt responsibility. Perhaps faced with the reality of you leaving, that might help him to reconsider his ways. If not, well, he made his choice. But right now with the way things are, you are enabling him to continue gambling.

Your husband needs help, but until he realizes he wants help, he won't accept it. He needs prayer. Is your husband a Christian?

I know that if I were in your situation, I personally would feel disrespected. And I know how much another person can dig in their heels and refuse to take on their responsibilities. The danger is that you will become bitter.

Okay, I have discussed things. Let me give you some suggestions.

1. Buy the book called The Language of Love by Gary Smalley and John Trent. You can get a paperback version for 7.99 plus tax at Barnes and Noble. I am currently reading this book. It tells how to communicate in such a way as to get across your point to someone. I think it might help you to communicate to your husband so that he will "get it". Read it and try what is suggested. It is a concept based on how the Bible communicates. Your son could also read this book because I am sure he has things he wants to get across to his dad. And in this book it tells that younger kids can do this. If your husband could read this book it might enable him to relate to you why he gambles and how he sees the situation.

2. You need other Christians to pray in agreement with you regarding your husband. I will be praying for you, but I know from experience, that it is so helpful to have a friend who will actually meet with you and pray with you.

3. Guard your heart with prayer. Read God's word. In situations like this it would be normal to become bitter. And that's not what you want. Dwell on what your husband does do that is good. That way, your attitude toward him will be better. I know. Easier said than done. But it is important for you and your mind set. It is also important for your son.

4. Focus on God. Ask God to provide for your needs.

5. Get some Christian counsel for you and your son. Even if your husband won't go for counseling, you can get some help. When my husband left me, that is what I did. It was free through a mission. You might be able to find the same in your community.

6. My personal opinion is that you should read the book. Try what it says over a period of time. Pray. Maybe give it a year. Then tell him he has to go if there is no change. If he won't go, be prepared to leave. The other choice is to stick it out and live with the way things are.

May God lead you and show you the best way. I will also be praying that God will give you the strength necessary to walk the path He shows you. God Bless.

Answer 7

You are called to be a wife. He is shirking his calling of husband. You cannot be a husband. I am sorry it has been 15 years, but he has basically abandoned the family by his actions. Now, first thing would be to try counseling. I am sure he won't go, but you and your son need it, even without your husband. Your son may be unloved by his father, but it is not a reflection on your son -- and your son can't change it! -- and it isn't his fault. It is a reflection on the father, not the son. And frankly, your son should not expect his father to love him. The father has some serious issues that neither one of you can fix.

He is not only not being a father and husband, but he is not even being a man.

Some Christians are going to tell you that divorce is not an option, but remember, if you want a Biblical perspective, divorce IS an option in certain cases: desertion (which he has done) and adultery.

You need to stay strong in your faith -- remember, God doesn't promise us an easy life -- only an afterlife.

Answer 8

If your son's father loves him, then your son will see his father again. Being rejected everyday probably hurts your son more than maybe being rejected and ignored only on weekends. A separation might be in order, to wake up your husband to the fact that his gambling is a problem, without going to the extreme of getting a divorce at this time.
The lack of communication between you and your husband is a problem, as well as how your son is being treated.

Answer 9

I wouldn't stay in that situation if it were me. He is responsible for helping provide for his family and he is leaving just about all of that to you...you who have health problems! And for no good reason, since he is gambling with money he could be using to lighten your load.
I would talk to a pastor about the situation first. But things can't continue on that way for you and your son's peace of mind.
1 Tim. 5:8

Answer 10

Well for starters i don't see what this has to do with homeschooling....

Second... you need to get a few books... the first one

power of a praying wife

second..

tough love by dr. dobson...

dont get a divorce PLEASE..... but DO move out or force him to with an eviction. Give him 30 days notice legally and then get ready for some time in court. or if he really is the Loser you say he is, he will not fight at all for the right/priviledge to live with you and your son.

third... be sure you are faithfully attending church... you WILL be blessed! your goal here is to save your husband NOT get even or your "just deserts"

Fourth: PRAY PRAY PRAY...

fifth... get on explorer and look up how to evict a person living legally in your house....

nothing is ever happily ever after... please remember that