What is the funniest thing you have heard in the cockpit?

Question

Either from the crew, on the radio, pilot to co-pilot, flight engineer. etc. I have seen some very experienced pilots on this site, you all must have heard some comments/statements, directions, that would make milk spew out of your nostrils! Best answer gets two FREE economy tickets on any airline that does NOT seat two 5' 9" 350lb passengers in both the aile and window seats,of the same row, then tries to fit you in between them on a NYC to LAX direct, non-stop flight!

Answer 1

I've actually had milk spew out of my nostrils in the cockpit I was laughing so hard. After almost four decades as a professional pilot I've heard a bunch and most I can't even remember. But let me think.

Ah yes. I guess this qualifies as a funny in the cockpit even though it was not a real cockpit but an exact replica in an aircraft simulator. At the time I was an FAA designated pilot examiner for the Gulfstream II and III. I was in the back conducting a recurent check on a crew, pilot and copilot. The guy in the right seat had been a first officer with this particular company for quite some time. One captain after another either quit or got fired during his time there and he kept being frustrated by the boss continuously hiring another captain instead of upgrading him to the left seat and just hiring another first officer instead. After all, he had proven his loyalty far beyond the captains going through the revolving door and he felt that he was entitled. But he took it all in stride and continued to do his job as best he could. His captain on this ride was the latest to pass him by into the left seat and although he was probably bitter, it didn't show. At least not until this happened.

As I often do on a check ride where I'm evaluating both crewmembers, I "killed" the captain, meaning I told the guy in the left seat to just sit there and don't touch anything, so I could see if the first officer could get the airplane on the ground by himself as he'd have to do if the captain really had died or was incapacitated. Wouldn't be the first time that happened right? Anyway, after I "killed" the captain I said to the less than bitter but highly frustrated first officer, "OK Dave, you're on your own. Whataya gonna do now?"

Dave turned around and looked right into my eyes with what was the most stern face I'd ever seen on him and said, "The first thing I'm goint to do is get this f--king SOB out of my seat." Even the dead captain was still laughing a half hour later during the debrief.

I'm sure I'll come up with more in the middle of the night but that'll do for now.

Oh yeah. Here's another one. It was part of an answer to an earlier question about copilots.

The best pilot I've ever flown with, encluding me I must confess, was my copilot about fifteen years ago in a Falcon 50. He's been an air traffic controller in his previous career and he had the best situational awareness I've ever seen. Situational awarness is what we call staying up with all that's going on around you such as traffic, the weather, atc, checklists, etc. It can get real busy at times and some people have trouble staying "ahead of the aircraft" as we call it. We even joke about some by saying "He's so far behind the aircraft if we have an accident he won't get hurt." Not Dan though. I never saw him flustered or suprised by anything. He once told me a story about a time when he was the captain of a small commuter airplane. The aircraft did not carry enough passengers to require a flight attendant so the copilot had to do all of the passenger breifings over the passenger intercom. That right seater had just given the pre landing briefing to buckle up, tray tables up, all that stuff. It was a real bumpy approach and the passengers were nervous. While he was in the process of doing that the tower called to say that they were cleared to land but hold short of a crossing runway and advise if he can't do it. Dan rogered him and said to stand by. He pulled out the airport diagram and came to the conclusion that there would not be enough runway to stop before the intersection. By now the copilot had finnished his passenger briefing and his attention was back in the cockpit. Dan, having made his decision about the land and hold short clearance said to him, "Call the tower and tell him we're not going to make it." The copilot keyed his mike and said, "We're not going to make it." He got no response from the tower but the cabin had gone deathly quite. Turns out he'd left his transmit nob in the "Passenger Intercom" position instead of selecting "comm 1", the radio, after completing the briefing.

Answer 2

Ok here is my submission. I am a USAF flight engineer and have seen some funny stuff, and this is probably funnier to me than others, but here goes.

Although this didn't directly happen in the cockpit, it was a direct result of cockpit action.

The left seat was in upgrade training and hadn't done any air refueling from that side. As we closed in, fairly quickly on the KC-135 boom pod, an excited female boom operator yelled BREAKAWAY. Now your supposed to say, (insert tanker callsign) breakaway breakaway breakaway. The tanker puts on the coals and the receiver goes to idle and backs out slowly. Well her tone of voice and the inexperience of our student AC caused him to push over on the yoke quickly. That instanly sent us into a rollercoaster ride, which I admit, I sort of enjoyed. Our crew chief in the back got a view he'll never forget. Once things had calmed down, he related to me the story of the BLUE VOLCANO of POO. He was in the very last seat, which faces the latrine, about 10 feet away. The latrine door was broken and wouldn't latch close. The "flapper" which keeps the "stuff" in the toilet tank was also stuck open. As the aircraft nosed over, the negative G's caused a plume of blue to erupt from the latrine. Once Instructor pilot took the aircraft, he pulled to level the airplane and as he did, the floating ball of blue exploded into the latrine. To this day there are little blue dots all over the walls of that airplane's latrine. The student pilot did go back and offer to help clean, but the crew chief had already gotten most of it.

Answer 3

I was on a test flight after our radio shop had installed a whole new panel, new instruments, new radios, etc. in this guy's Cessna. He was going on about being a college professor and having flown for forty years plus. We were on our way from Camarillo, CA to Santa Barbara, CA at about 5000' above the ocean when he points at his attitude gyro and asks me, "So, what's this telling me?" I turned and looked out the window and it sure looked like a long way down to me.

On a video of a military flight test, they were just taking off and all the glass cockpit displays went dark. The pilot calmly said, "That's not good."

Answer 4

From an article I read... Pilot of a high performance single engine airplane flying from US to Canada over Lake Erie loses his engine. He informs the controller that he has lost an engine and requests a landing at ABC, a Candian airport on the edge of the lake. The controller says, "negative, that is not an airport of entry. Please procede to XYZ" (where XYZ is another airport about 40 miles inland). The pilot comes back and says, "I don't think you understand, the engine I lost is my only engine." After a long pause, the controller (who had assumed the guy was in a multi-engine aircraft) comes back and says, "um. Roger, proceed to XYZ."

Answer 5

In Minneapolis, while sitting at the gate, overheard the following transmission on MSP ground:

(I dont remember the flight numbers or exact words)

Flagship= ATC callsign for Pinnacle flights

Northwest 1175= An NWA DC-9

--------------------------------------

MSP Ground: Northwest 1175 follow the CRJ crossing at your 9 o'clock to runway 30R, you will be #2 for departure

NW1175: Ok ground, we'll follow the smurf-jet to 30R

(Then there was a short pause over the radio, and one of the pilots of the CRJ that was to be followed came on and said...)

"At least my airplane doesnt qualify for an AARP membership..."

It was priceless... laugh to this day when I think about it...

Answer 6

A pilot landing in Berlin Germany was admonished for speaking to the control tower in German, he was told to speak English.
He said, I am a German pilot, flying a German plane, landing at a German airport, why do I have to speak English
He was answered by pilot of another plane who spoke with a British accent

"Because you lost the Bloody war"

Answer 7

What flat tire? Where's the closest fuel station? Gee! appear at the entire neat knobs and switches and matters! I surprise what this button does? Lets race that different jet, and spot who will get to the airport first. Whew! what a fart! desire no one else had the fish at present (as you're watching down on the stays of your fish dinner) I flunked touchdown college Gawd I hate flying

Answer 8

I confess to reading about this, but I have heard other similar conversations in the area.

An SR-71 at the end of it's mission is coming in over the Pacific towards LA and is descending from whatever altitude, and once it crosses below 60,000 feet it's back in controlled airspace. So here's an excerpt from the conversation between the SR-71 pilot and an oblivious and unfamiliar center controller.

SR-71: Los Angeles Center, Blackbird yada-yada-yada, requesting clearance to FL600.

LA Center: Blackbird yada-yada-yada - how the hell you intend to climb that high ?

SR-71: LA Center, Blackbird yada-yada-yada, I'm not trying to climb to FL600, I wish to descend to FL600.

LA Center: A pregnant silent pause.

SR-71: LA Center, Blackbird yada-yada-yada, do you copy.

LA Center: Ummmm, Blackbird yada-yada-yada, roger, descend to FL600 present heading, squawk xxxx, slow to less than Mach 1, and contact Edwards approach on .....

Answer 9

While on approach to Sacramento Executive, I heard the tower controller telling the Cessna ahead of me to expedite his descent. When the Cessna pilot apparently was not losing altitude fast enough, the controller said, "Can you descend any faster?" The Cessna pilot said, "I can, but I'll have to leave my plane to do it."

Answer 10

We were flying to Lynchburg with the 767 full of Japanese tourist. The captain said we couldn't land a Lynchburg due to bad weather. We had to divert to a closer airport. The captain thought for a second and said to us that he could get us out of flying the next day. We had no idea what he was doing. He diverted to Pittsburgh. We landed and told him they would see that it wasn't Lynchburg. As the passengers left the aircraft the captain stood there and greeted them and told them welcome to lynchburg. They had no idea. they never said anything and no one called us to tell us we had made a mistake. Got a week off from flying. Watch the steelers play and relaxed. The good ol days.