I've been living with my boyfriend for about seven months now. I lost my job a couple months ago and have had a hard time finding another job (well, outside of food service or retail).
During my unemployment I've been making sure the apartment is clean and making sure he gets sex once or twice a night. He likes this arrangement and says that he doesn't care if I get another job.
Not that I necessarily mind earning my keep this way, I still feel guilty. My friend and I got in a fight and amongst the words she threw at me was accusing me of taking advantage of him. Am I?
Also, will being unemployed for a long period look bad on me when I do start looking for work again?
Everyone who answers, thank you in advance!
2007-07-10 08:22:24 · 9 answers · asked by 9th Life 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
He didn't ask that I clean up or... um, put out. I feel like otherwise I'm just using him. I can't pay my half of the rent, utilities, or groceries like I used to.
All that said, sex hasn't been as enjoyable since I feel like I'm doing it to do "my share". Do you know what I mean?
2007-07-10 08:29:06 · update #1
You said that sex isn't enjoyable. You are making sex into your job along with cleaning the house. That isn't right. You should both have sex when you WANT to and feel like the time is right, not because you feel guilty because you don't have a job. Taking time to clean the house is a good thing, but again, you seem to be doing it because you feel guilty. Don't be so picky about finding a job. If you can find something at Taco Bell, then work there. You need the money. You will probably need to explain why you lost your last job and why you were not finding a job. It will look bad that you just chose not to find another job for a long time. You can find a job if you actually look and stop being picky about where you work.
2007-07-10 09:14:41 · answer #1 · answered by One Odd Duck 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First, you're reasonably young so a period of unemployment doesn't necessarily hurt any potential employer's impression of you. And I applaud you for seeing the need to pull your own weight around your household by keeping it tidy when you clearly have the time to do so. My only real concern is your characterization of having sex once or twice a night with your boyfriend as being a gesture whereby you "earn your keep". Listen, have all the sex you want as often as you want...there's a certain fascination to that thought that's really appealing, but never think (or allow anyone else to think) that it's an obligation of you and that you're doing it in some manner to satisfy an implied debt. When people are allowed to "feel" that way, YOU'RE the one being taken advantage of. Some things should not be for sale at any price; your love life should always be "equitable" or over time it will cease to be enjoyable for you. Lastly, most of our sense of self-worth is tied into our independence (which is in turn, tied to our earning potential). I know full well how difficult it can be finding a job from time to time, but don't get discouraged...it's vital that you keep trying and something will turn up (even if it's not the job of your dreams right off the bat). Having your own resources is the best aphrodisiac and the best way to avoid power struggles within a relationship. Good luck to you. You'll be fine.
2007-07-10 08:41:23 · answer #2 · answered by Captain S 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should not feel guilty if no one is suffering in the situation! It's really not your "friend's" call whether you are working or not, it's between you and your boyfriend. If you feel inadequate, but like being home, then maybe work a couple of days a week, that way you still have time to clean your apt., and energy to have sex once or twice a night... that way, you will still be "bringing in an income," if that's important to you. Being home and taking care of a home is certainly a job in itself. Your boyfriend gets to come home to a clean home, a happy and relaxed girlfriend, so life is good. You should feel fortunate that you have the option, and to me it sounds like your friend is just jealous!! :) (She probably doesn't even HAVE a boyfriend)!
2007-07-10 08:31:14 · answer #3 · answered by #2 (It's a Girl!!) due 5/27/ 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The problem with the arrangement is that, you are having to place yourself and use your skills to make him "feel like" your doing something adequate (you may feel this way as well).
There is no commitment (on paper) yet, so I would REALLY try to get out of your situation as quickly as possible.
It is good to clean, cook, and take care of the home but just know you are putting yourself in the position of "house wife". The longer you stay in a none working position, the more comfortable you will get, (making it hard on you to start back working).
Also, your boyfriend is enjoying the "ride" right now but, he will grow to resent you (slowly but surely) if you do it to loooong. So love him and keep your individuality at the same time.
As for your friend -
My personal experience shows that a friend more interest in "your boyfriend" than in "you", is not a friend. I would watch her, if I were you. Instead of your friend encouraging and being concerned for you and your loss of work, she is caring for "him" and "his feelings". Do you think she wishes, she had someone like him? Watch her ...and her motives...
2007-07-10 08:51:11 · answer #4 · answered by EILISHA 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think your taking advantage of him, I mean you are, taking care of him and the house hold. But, I do think you shouldn't get too comfortable with this arrangement, you want to be able to make your own money at some point. I think your friend was just jealous that you have such a caring bf.
Stay Positive.
2007-07-10 08:29:12 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If it suits you, that's your business. I don't like to be "beholden" to anyone so would take whatever job I could find that would earn me a paycheck...there's something to be said for independence.
And yes, typically employers want to know why you have gaps of unemployment on your resume'. You could say you decided to take some time off but depending on how long you're unemployed and what job you are seeking in the future, it could be a strike against you versus someone who has no gaps on their resume'.
2007-07-10 08:27:22 · answer #6 · answered by . 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He's taking advantage of you and you're letting him. You're an unpaid housekeeper and bedmate, giving it away in exchange for a roof over your head.
Of course he likes this arrangement-- he'd doesn't have to pay for it and you're giving it away for free. You're not his wife, yet you think you can pretend to act like while while shacking up and serving him. Get a job and some self-respect.
2007-07-10 08:28:46 · answer #7 · answered by Violet Pearl 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think he's taking advantage of YOU. I mean, he's making u make a deal of having sex in order to stay there? Come one! Don't be blind about this.
2007-07-10 08:26:17 · answer #8 · answered by Cassie 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
if your giving it up on demand and cleaning the house he'll probably marry you!
2007-07-10 08:26:03 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋