My fiancé wants to invite her ex to our wedding. I have made it very clear that I am not comfortable with this. Anytime I bring it up it ends up being a fight and I end up giving in and saying that I will get over it. The problem is that I don't get over it. It really bothers me that him being there is more important to her than me being uncomfortable on my wedding day. She says that she can’t be friends with him and his wife and not ask them to our wedding. That by asking her not to invite him I am asking her to cut all ties with him and anyone that knows him. That is not what I am asking. I just don’t want him at my wedding. I am fine with them being friends I just don’t want to be reminded on that day that she was ever in love with someone else. I want to be thinking only of her and how lucky I am to be marrying her.
2007-07-10 07:12:27 · 12 answers · asked by John 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
Now certain members of my family are being less than nice (not sure if I can swear on here) and she says that I should take in to account the fact that she is going to be uncomfortable with my family so it shouldn't matter that he is there. Isn't it unfair to compare the feelings about family that I can't control nor did I choose to my feelings about someone she thought she was in love with once and has a choice about inviting? I am willing to take all of the crap from him about not being there. We have already agreed that he will only come to the reception and I called him and asked him not to dance with her at all. He claims he was already planning on that.
I don’t have that many ex’s and I am not friends with any of them nor would I pursue being friends with them so I don’t understand how she feels here.
2007-07-10 07:14:35 · update #1
I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU DID THIS!
2007-07-10 08:00:59 · answer #1 · answered by nichole9719 3 · 0⤊ 4⤋
you are right to feel uncomfortable with this... I sure as heck would. Tell her that while he is a friend to her he has no place at a wedding and will be a reminder to you all day long that she did once love someone else. It doesn't matter if he's married now...that is not important. She needs to understand that is is a fine line between FAMILY and Ex's and an Ex has no place at a wedding...I am sure he doesn't even want to go but feels obligated by getting invited.
2007-07-10 14:25:23 · answer #2 · answered by ♥Mommy to 3 year old Jacob and baby on the way♥ 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
She is being completely unfair expecting you to tolerate her ex being there on your special day. It is your wedding too. Clearly she is selfish. Perhaps being friends with him and his wife is not healthy for your marriage, especially if it bothers you. Seriously, what is she thinking? Your wedding day, of all days is the day to put each other first, not some old boyfriend. She and the ex should understand that this is not something the vast majority of people would feel comfortable with and some might even think its a bit odd. The bottom line is, if you are uncomfortable with it, she should respect that.
An ex-boyfriend is NOT the same thing as family members. If she continues to be stubborn about this and disrespectful of your feelings, you should really consider whether you should marry this girl or not. This could be a huge red flag about her lack of respect for your feelings. Don't let her bully you on this.
2007-07-10 14:24:12 · answer #3 · answered by CleverGal 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
This is not what you want to hear, but any ex that I ever remained friends with was someone I (secretly) still had feelings for. Even if it was just as a runner-up to the guy I was with at the time. I dated a guy when I was 19. I adored him. We broke up. We remained friends... dated other people... gave each other dating advice. At age 30 we started dating again. At age 33 we are getting married. If I had gone through with marrying my ex fiance, I would have invited my current guy to the wedding (because I secretly had feelings for him).
2007-07-10 14:27:06 · answer #4 · answered by Proud Momma 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
John, I don't care about "winning" points so this is probably NOT what you WANT to hear. But maybe hearing it will help you anyways.
(1) Your bride had a life before she met you. Do you seriously expect her to never, never, never mention the time she went skiing in Aspen, the surprise party her co-workers gave her, the horrible illness that nearly killed her -- just because she was with Ex, and not YOU at the time? Is she supposed to drop her entire social circle just because Ex and Mrs Ex are part of the same circle?
(2) While we can't control our thoughts and feelings, we CAN control our words and actions. When these out-of-control feelings are leading us in the direction of selfishness or meanness, that is exactly the time to exercise firm control over our words and actions, to make sure that our BEHAVIOR is extra gracious and generous, rather than exposing the less attractive facets of our inner selves.
(3) You don't mention whether your intended and Ex have any children. If their children are part of the wedding, of course their father and step-mother should be present. And YOU had better start cultivating a good relationship with Ex & Mrs Ex; as your step-children's other parents, like it or not, your own new family will be quite involved this couple.
(4) Stand up for the principle that you don't have to LIKE it, you only have to DO it. As long as you are publicly gracious and kindly toward Ex and Mrs Ex, gracious and kindly toward your wife vis a vis her relationship with them, that should be suffiecient. You are ALLOWED to dislike some of your wife's friends and relatives, but should be very cautious about EXPRESSING this dislike to your wife. Your distaste will be obvious without your mentioning it. And trying to justify your dislike of someone SHE likes will only make things worse. Don't go there.
That said, I wish you and your bride love, deepening understanding, prosperity, health, and a very happy Silver Wedding Anniversary.
2007-07-10 16:21:59 · answer #5 · answered by kill_yr_television 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
She should not have invited him. Your feelings come before her desire to be around her EX.
You are looking at a lifetime of seconds if you don't put your foot down.
She is being inconsiderate of your feelings and of your special day as a couple.
If you have contacted the ex and told him that you do not want him to dance with her, he should have the decency to decline the invitation, but your complaint lies with your fiance not her ex.
You should be first that day. Family members cannot be chosen, but an ex was chosen because of her love for him.
Do they have children together? Is that why she wants to maintain this "friendship"? That I could understand some, but if no kids are involved I would be WORRIED.
2007-07-10 14:23:41 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
i think it's very odd that she's so insistant on inviting him....
but you say he's already married, so his wife should be able to keep him company....
it is very insensitive for her to compare her feelings towards your family to those of yours towards her ex...they are not nearly the same
you could always set one of your friends up with the job of keeping him away from you guys during the reception (since it sounds like he will be invited)
i am sorry and i don't know what to tell you, i am a girl and i would never invite my ex to my wedding but i dont know the relationship she has with him so her situation could be different...GOOD LUCK!
and just out of curiosity, is the nichole9719 that commented above me the fiance that you are talking about??
2007-07-10 15:10:24 · answer #7 · answered by stevethebeeve 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should come first before her friend and his wife. You are not asking her to never speak to him again...it will be a blight on your wedding and you could end up resenting it forever. If she's being that anal about having him there it sounds like there's an alterior motive. I'd find out everything I can before she walks down the aisle!
2007-07-10 14:17:18 · answer #8 · answered by Jen-Jen 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
She is inthe wrong for putting him before your feelings, and the ex should also be considerate enough to not go to someone's wedding when you've already called him and let him know that you're not comfortable with it.
2007-07-10 16:07:04 · answer #9 · answered by my2fuzzyslippers 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why are you marrying this girl? Tell her it's fine if the x is there...he can be the groom! Go on and find someone who is more mature and considerate...do you want this x in your life forever? This is not the gal for you!
2007-07-10 14:21:32 · answer #10 · answered by bevrossg 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Why are you uncomfortable with him there? They are FRIENDS, her ex is with someone else, and your fiance is with YOU. He is only one person there out of the many many people who will be at your big day.
You should talk about it with your fiance. She shouldn't invite him if you are so uncomfortable with it.
2007-07-10 16:27:49 · answer #11 · answered by Terri 7 · 0⤊ 3⤋