OMG! Please, serious advice only! Very long, sorry!?

Question

Ok I need both the male and female perspective (which I kinda know which way this might go)

Long story short, I have been seeing this boy (and I say boy, he is 26, I am in my 30s.) We have a ton of laughs and the physical side is wonderful. However, due to his lagging, just showing up late (now granted we did not "agree" to a meeting time, but cmon you talk to the person and say see you soon and show up three hours later????) I basically got turned off and told him we could only be friends as I could not see myself being intimate with someone who totally disrespects my time.

He gave every excuse under the book (it is mostly his family holding him up, yes, he still lives with his family, I KNOW!) but last night I was fed up and told him what a loser he his and he is going nowhere. Now I am NOT materialistic, I just see he is basically dependant on his family for everything (works with his dad) and is just YOUNG! But he is a VERY nice person and he has a good heart.

Sorry so long. Ok so SHOULD I even give him a chance to not be such a lagger. He has said he would get it together, but CAN these type of guys grow up? I hate to be the one to give the sort of ultimatum, but I don't even want to hang out with him because his loserness is a turn off and I know if we try to hang out as friends he will still have feelings for me.

Thanks for listening!!!

Answer 1

The "not respecting your time" issue: I was interested in a female, who claimed to be interested in me as well. However, she never had time to see me, and when we were supposed to meet, she either forgot, had to reschedule because of something else (such as "a one-in-a-lifetime concert"), or we had a time limit. Needless to say, we are clinging to friendship at this point. Awful experience.

As far as growing up... If he's 26 and still is parent-dependent, he needs a reality check. Anyone over the age of, say, 24 needs to be able to live their own life.

Good luck!

Answer 2

When you started seeing him , you were interested in him the way he was . Living with his parents is not a horrible thing , its not a turn on but its really not that bad , if he were 35 I would be concerned . You say he is a VERY nice person , but you also called him a loser ?? How can that be ? I dont think you should be thinking of an ultimatum , afterall you want him to grow up because he wants to , not because you basically threaten him !! That wont last at all and will only cause friction later . If the age issue is such an ISSUE for you then you need to stop seeing him , you cant continue to date a man that you feel like mothering (making him grow up ) !! Let him be him and if you 2 cant get along then you cant and if you can then GREAT . Good Luck

Answer 3

He is just being a guy! Most guys, honestly, have such a low attention span when it comes to anything other than sports, cars, or whatever he may really be into. If you think he is such a loser, why even keep him around as a friend? I think calling him a loser is a little harsh for his lack in punctuality. I know where you are coming from.. totally.. cause I have one them myself, but give him a break and talk to him about it. If it is really that important to you and he doesn't change, try dating someone your own age that is a little more envolved and mature in that category. In the meantime, there is no point in torturing this one.

Answer 4

It's pretty obvious it's not going to be too much of a long term relationship, because his is already pissing you off. That won't change only make things a bit more tense around each other. Some folks just aren't prompt. And some guys live with parents just becuase of Financial or even obligations toward the family business. You have to realize that you may not be number one priority.

Answer 5

Listen, age really does not matter. What matters in that area is mentality levels. If you are both on the same mentality level, then age is not going to make any difference. The fact that he lives at home with his parents shouldn't be a problem either, he is a grown man and capable of letting his parents know that he has made plans and does not want to let anyone down, including you. If I tell someone that I want to see them, it usually means NOW, it would not take me 3 hours to arrive unless that was how far apart we lived. At the same time, if he means that much to you and you feel he deserves another chance to redeem himself then I too believe that he deserves a second chance. we all deserve a second chance.

Answer 6

It sounds like all of your relationship was mostly physical. Sure, you can be good friends & have great sex, but the reality is that both people need to be providers & be reliable in a relationship. He's had plenty of opportunities to grow up & he hasn't. If you take him back, all that is going to happen is that nothing will change. You can't change him or help him change. That is something he has to do all by himself.

Real men (and women) don't give excuses. They just do it instead of whining about it.

If he can't be friends, then it is better for both of you to just cut ties. Who knows? Maybe that will be the wakeup call for him to change his ways & a year from now he'll be back in your life as a better person.

Answer 7

if you see a brother fallen by the way, and you know the exact thing that made him fall, at least help him up, and show him the right way to go. as you say, you dont want to even be friends with him, thats ok, but dont leave him just like that. dont just tell him what a loser he is and leave him just like that. show him how he can be a winner(maybe like you). am sure you would want someone to do that to you too, judge you (coz thats what you did to him) and not leave you like that but show you how you can go right so that you dont do it again to someone else.

you gotta try some kindness with the brother, even though you dont want nothing to do with him anymore

and being the older one in the relationship, you gotta be a good example to him. such that even if you guys break up, he will not repeat the same mistakes in his other relationships, and will always thank you for helping him mature

Answer 8

You really have NO idea of what defines a loser, have you?. Being late isn`t being a LOSER, it`s just being LATE !. Living with your family isn`t being a LOSER, it`s just LIVING with your family. Having a job ( no matter WHO you work with )isn`t being a LOSER !. Depending on the people closest to you and who care for you more than anyone else will isn`t being a LOSER !. If you don`t agree a meeting time then how the Hell is he supposed to KNOW just what time he supposed to be there ???. How do YOU know what time to be there ???. The only loser here is YOU. You blame HIM for YOUR mistakes, which is exactly what LOSERS do !. You DON`T specify a TIME to meet but blame HIM because you got there first ?. If you don`t specify a TIME then he CAN`T be late, can he ??. Jeez !.

Answer 9

I think it is you who is being selfish. See you soon can mean anywhere from 15 minutes to days depending on the perspective. I don't think he dis-respected your time at all since you all had not said a time. You need to grow up and realize the world does not revolve around you. If you got turned off that easily it just tells me your not really into the relationship all together. As far as him living at home, well he does need to grow up in that area.

Answer 10

Take the same situation but apply it to software sales. (I do work for doctor's offices.) Pretend you are a doctor and you are going to buy a really expensive medical software that will determine how well you make money in your practice and enjoyable practicing is. It's going to take six months to completely switch to using it, but all of sudden it's super slow on you and not performing the way the sales guy said it would. He says it will get better and they are working on it. Do you still pay him the 30 grand for the software or go find software that does what you need it to do? Objectify the situation to your point of view, it's your future that is important.