Adult child dealing with parents divorce?

Question

A little background on the situation my mother was married at 21 had me at 24 got divorced at 26, never had a close relationship with my biological father. My mom remarried when I was 7, and my step-father has raised me and been more of a father than anyone could expect, my mother was never able to have kids after me, so it has been the three of us for twenty years now. Now my step father has moved out and she is so heartbroken, he told my mother it was a mid life crisis situation and he doesn't make friends easy so the thought of him seeing some one else was so far fetched, well my mom found emails because she figured something was going on and sure enough an old girlfriend from highschool who lives hundred of miles away. I don't know what to do for my mom she is my best friend, it hurts that he left but it hurts more to see my mom cry. Our roles are reversed right now and I just want to make it better. And advice or guidance would be greatly appreciated.

lettertoheather:
Its hard not to get involved when your mom calls you crying saying she doens't know what to do. Depression and anxiety runs in my family with both my mother and I being effected, we both see therapists and we are both on medications~which mine has been lowered since my husband and I are ttc~I have convienced her to keep our vacation plans which start this afternoon, we are going to the beach, I told her it would be like running away for a few days.

Lovelee:
I have not forgotten about myself, I have pushed up my next therapist appt and my husband is my shoulder to cry on right now~being that we are going on vaca I think I might look for a spa like you mentioned she loves that kind of stuff

Answer 1

There's nothing you can do. You are blessed though to have such a close relationship with your mother. I left my mother at age 9 to live with my father. My mother was a horrible mother. She never gave my feelings any consideration she got involved with a man who was physically abusive and married him. There's this huge hole in my life at what happened when my parents divorced when I was a child.

I think you need to be your mother's friend and help her move on. Sign her up for a dating site. Meet other men to be FRIENDS with no physical stuff. I know she may not want to do this but it will help if she's willing. My mother never could pick a man who wasn't a drunk my father included. Your mother needs time to get over this. I think you should also seek out therapy groups of other women in her situation. I bet this guy will come back after he's had enough of his ex girlfriend. I advise your mother not to take him back.

Answer 2

The thing that effected me the most was my respect for my mother was damaged for a long time. My opinion of women in general was effected by that, even though I don't hold a grudge anymore (she cheated on my father). Then a few years later she decided we would move a couple thousand miles away from my dad grandparents ect to be where her 2nd husband could get better "gigs" (he was a drummer). So I have some separation anxiety and I tend to harden my heart to people so as not to get hurt when/if they leave. I think I am getter better at dealing with it though. Overall I think it made me stronger. That along with some other difficult things I have delt with. I have had a few long term relationships. Never been married. Im 26 now and I am in no rush to the alter. I am with a man now who I think I will marry someday, so Im happy. My relationship with my parents is good, but I am closer to my grandparents than either of them. My mom and I don't really have a lot in common. So although we get along we don't have a lot to talk about. My dad isn't the fatherly type. I know he loves me and we get along great and do share common interests, but we don't talk that much or see each other even though I have since moved back to the same town. Oh I don't have any kids nor do I want any. I never did so that has nothing to do with the divorce.

Answer 3

its great that you are trying to help make this easy on your mom. but please don't neglect yourself. he is the only father you have ever known, so you are more than likely grieving too. keep being there for your mom but also find someone who can be strong for you as well. i'm also an adult child dealing with parental divorce. i'm very close to my mom and my parents got divorced a year ago. it was really hard on my mom and my younger brother but i was in denial about how it affected me. i have a horrible relationship with my dad and was glad when they split but i was still upset by the way he handled the situation and how he refused to take responsibility. (he still refuses) eventually my mom grew stronger and we all healed. but it is hard regardless of the situation. take her to a spa day to help her have happy positive things to think about. or go shopping. it doesn't replace whats been lost but it does help the healing process.

Answer 4

hi hon...

sorry to hear about your family splitting apart....

you have to let your mom deal with her problems and make her own decisions... otherwise, you can be caring and supportive.... and try to be understanding.

getting "involved" with the problems of your parents isn't healthy... and the details are really none of your business, even if you ARE an adult... if your mother is having dire issues she might consider a therapist or even a minister. sometimes counseling makes things easier to deal with and helps us to "see" and cope. just a suggestion.

if you think she's depressed and not doing well, you could urge her to see her doctor....

you can also do things with your mom.... activities which might take her mind off things. encourage her to do things with friends, also.

it's great you're there for your mom. hugs

Answer 5

Just be there for her and do not uspet her if you can help it. There is little you can do to ease her heartache right now but let her talk if she wants and help her all you can right now. She will get over this, it might take time but she will and your being there and being kind to her will make a big difference.