Should I be angry with him for something he did before he met me?

Question

A couple of yrs ago a new pole dancing club opened in our town. When it first opened, my partner's friends all all wanted to see what the fuss was about when we were out drinking so we went and had a drink there. To cut a long story short, one of his friends decided to have a lapdance (even though he had a gf back home) and my partner was so angry he told me we were going home. His words were 'Im so discusted in him!'
Last night my partner turned round to me and told me that before he met me he had a lapdance and it was 'no big deal' its 'something men do' and 'if they didnt want to do it, they wouldnt be there'
Is this double standards? Should I be angry with him for something he did before he met me? Is this sort of thing as degrading as I think it is?

Answer 1

No.......that was then and this is now. live in the present

Answer 2

First of all ...did your partner have a girlfriend back then when he had his lapdance?? if he did then it could be seen as double standards and you should be disgusted with him. If not then I can understand his disgust with his friend. I honestly don't see why you should be angry with your partner for something he did before you both got together as it has no direct impact on your relationship unless you feel that he may have done/ will do this during your relationship.
As for lap dancing/ pole dancing being degrading to women ... they are not kidnapped and forced to do this, they choose to do it because there is good money to be made in this profession. Ask these women if they feel they are degrading themselves to entertain men ( and women too). If they answer yes then ask them WHY????

Answer 3

I know it's hard not to be angry about something in your partners past, ( I still struggle with some of the things my partner did) but you have to judge him on who he is now, not who he was back then. He may have felt peer pressure, or may have been genuinely curious before. I think most men do, just as most women have been, or would like to have been to see a male stripper. (take hen and stag nights!)

I dont think your partner has double standards. He went when he was single with no commitments. His disgust with his friend may have been because he had a girlfriend at home, which in my book makes your partner a pretty decent fella. He may also have been embarrased because you were there, and worried that you would judge him by his freinds standards.

As for being degrading, in my personal opinion, if this is something women choose to do, and they dont feel degraded by it then it is not degrading. I personally would not choose to do it, but I accept that some people do.
Hope this helps.

Answer 4

Absolutely not. I wouldn't be mad at my boyfriend if he got a lapdance anyway, I would go to watch male strippers so I think it's fair. But even if it does really bother you, it was before he met you. I suppose now you can lay down the law and become the nagging girlfriend who won't let him out unless he knows exactly where he is. Humans have fantasies, it's always been like that. It doesn't mean that he wants to be with the lapdancer. I would be more bothered that he pretended to be all shocked and disgusted when he'd done it himself!

Answer 5

I think you would be angry with him if he had a lapdance while he was going out with you but it sounds as if he was single at the time so it was no big deal. He obviously doesnt think it was right for his friend to do it when he had a girlfriend at home which is a good sign that he wont do it while he is with you. Let it go, it's not worth the argument.

Answer 6

Don't get mad because he had a lapdance, this is (unfortunately) how men are, It really isn't a big deal, you're not allowed to touch, so it's pretty boring.

If I were you I'd be seriously pissed off by his attitude, he sound like a witty little momma's boy! Be very angry because he dissed hid friend, while he admittedly did the same thing. If he can be suck a two timing backstabber towards his friend, what do you think he says behind your back?

A good solutions would be to tell his buddy what he said!
That should teach him!

Answer 7

I have had a lap dance from a girl in a strip club and I have to say, they are good at what they do. For me, if its something you are good at doing, its because you enjoy it. The girl who gave me a lapdance enjoyed it, why wouldn't she at £15 for a three mintue song?! I'd be smiling too!

I think if you are ina relationship it can be crossing a line to some people. If you are single at the time, then why not?!

As for you being mad for him doing something before he knew you, I don't think you can be mad at that. The whole point of life is experience and doing as much as you can. A lap dance is certainly one of the things you should do when you are single, so don't hold it against him.

Try asking him why his reaction was what it was, maybe there is a reason for it.

Answer 8

I think you have a great man. Lapdanse is no big deal, really- when you are single. especially if it was before you - sorry, you have no right to be mad at him for that.
It is a big deal when you've got a girlfriend at home though - that is a sister of cheating. You know what I mean? So, it is not double standards - it is different situations. I think your bf has handled in the best possible way.

Answer 9

It is double standards and it is degrading. But the reason he was so disgusted with his friend is perhaps that he was disgusted with himself when he did it. So he has regretted it. Or it may have been out of respect for you, because this was happening in front of you. So that's good too. If I were you, I would not forget it, but I wouldn't be angry either. I would ask myself if the guy I know as my boyfriend has changed since then and is the guy I want to be with now. I would also confront him with teh story about his friend and ask if he has regretted doing this, or if he'd do it again.

Answer 10

When my husband and I were first dating, I found out some things about his past that were not exactly thrilling. I was pretty resentful about it for some time, but as the years went by (going on 8 years with him now) it really melted away. I think this is just one of those things that is going to take time. I think it's human nature to want to squash out any ideas of your partner doing crazy things (sexually) before you were together. But I think your other responder is right about not judging him for things he did in the past. There's absolutely no way he could ever change anything he ever did before you so it's a big waste of time to be mad about it. I would just judge him on what he does now. I know - easier said than done right now. But you'll probably get over being upset about it in time.

Answer 11

Why should you be angry - lap dancing is a way of earning a living like any other and as you have been to a pole dancing club, and I assume seen exactly what goes on, then what is there to worry about. The women are well paid and looked after, the men are usually drunk - and at the end of the day if you weren't together anyway what exactly is there to be angry about???