Step-Daughter?

Question

I have a SD who is 20 and I pretty much raised her. I am paying alot of money for her to go to college, she helped her find a good job and she was living at home rent, utilities and food free. Her boyfriend is very untrustworthy and we told her she had to move out. She decided to trade her family loyalty and respect for her BF who was disrespectful to her family and also hit my 12 year-old daughter (her 1/2 sister) and was verbally abusive to her as well. I was very generous to my SD all her life and worked very hard to help her get where she is today. I became very hurt and suffer from major anxiety attacks because of this situation. People tell me that I did too much for my SD for too long. My husband feels the same way about the situation and feels that my SD needs to live on her own with less help from us. I am just so angry because her 22 year-old BF came along and just destroyed everything. Or should we say that she should be held responsible for her actions as well?

Answer 1

don't stress ur sd will realize how good she had it and will appreciate it later but however she choose to leave the nest. let her fly. don't be angry or blame him it was her choice. continue to be there for her because if her bf that bad she will be knocking on ur door for help but be careful with what u help her with she chose to be grown let her go

Answer 2

Your step daughter has a mind doesn't she? She should be using it instead of sidestepping her better judgment in favor of this new boyfriend. It's sad to think that after all that she has been helped with, that she would choose what you perceive as a threat to her well being over the family loyalty that you mentioned. Is it more than likely a very bad judgment call on her part? Yes. But look at things this way. At 20 years of age, were you as likely to follow all of the advice that was handed out by your parents? We must face the facts that advice is not always taken, no matter how good that advice may be. People are called individuals for a reason. Each person has his/her own wants, desires, needs and yes opinions and at an early age, must learn from they're own mistakes. I personally would not have been able to restrain myself, had any 22 year old struck a 12 year old, but apparently for some reason you and your husband did. I also applaud your way of thinking that she should receive less help from you. Especially since now she more than likely will include this BF of hers in further aspects of her life. If I were you, I would simply cut the strings, so to speak and let her get a real good taste of what she is in for. Chances are that she will grow up faster than you think and decide that you were right all along. At least that is what I would pray for. I wish you luck in your situation.

Answer 3

Often times young adults seek out new relationships and adventures which aren't necessarily the best for them. Your SD is responsible for the decisions she makes, however if she truly is in an abusive relationship you need to arm yourself with knowledge about this topic. Abusers often lure their prey in and make them feel like they can't live without that person then little by little they start cutting them down and destroying everything there is about their life. Don't help her financially unless she's choosing to leave the situation but make attempts to let her know you still care and want her around. Let her know she's welcome at the house any time for dinner, etc as long as he's not with her. If she wants to know why then tell her that his behavior is unacceptable and no man should ever treat a person in a hurtful and disrespectful way. You are saddened and hurt by his actions but more so because you love her and feel she deserves someone who will care for her in a respectful way. Maybe invite her once a week for dinner even if she refuse. That way she'll know she's still welcomed. Keep reaching out to her without pounding it into her head that he's no good or complaining about it. Then pray. God will give you peace even in this tough situation.

Answer 4

You did for your SD what you felt in your heart you wanted to do. No regrets. Kids are sooooo ungrateful and feel entitled. They don't know how to appreciate what has been done for them. Maybe, when she reaches her 30's, she will be able to appreciate. She's going to do what she's going to do, as far as boyfriends. Unfortunately, we parents can't make our kids break up with people we don't like. It's good that you made her leave the home if she is going to continue a relationship with such a person as you describe. You don't need that around other children or you. Just don't turn your back on her. Don't stop giving her the best advice you can. Don't talk bad about her boyfriend; she knows how you feel, she knows how he is and what he's done. All you can do is love her, and sometimes that means tough love, because if you don't show her boundaries she won't know them for herself.

Answer 5

No one destroyed anything. You made a 20yr old woman decide between her parents or her love life. Think about what you would have done when you were 20, really be honest with yourself.

You actually made the right choice, you gave her what you could with rules and when she couldn't adhere to them, she got to choose to walk away. Her choice, her decision, don't blame the b/f. Good for you for sticking to your standards.

However, you seem to have all sorts of conditions for her love and your love of her. Parental love should be unconditional. What you are saying is that "I gave you all this stuff, so you have to love me. And I won't love you unless you do what I want." That's love with conditions and that is not what parental love is all about.

You don't like her decisions, you made it clear, you explained the consequences and she made her decision. Continue to love and support her in nurturing ways (not financial). Let her struggle. Don't be surprised if she winds up telling you that you were right and can she come home. You know that old saying, the more a parent disapproves of a b/f, the better he looks. Don't play that game with her. Make sure she knows she is always welcome but he isn't and calmly tell her why.

You did a good job, this is just a bump in the road. Good luck.

Answer 6

It's pretty crappy the way your SD has treated your family, her boyfriend sounds very controlling and physically abusive. I think she's chosen what she wants and she should take everything that comes along with that choice and that includes you no longer helping her out financially. Hopefully she'll come around soon and see her boyfriend for what he really is.

Answer 7

If her boyfriend is as bad as you say he is, then don't worry! She will soon wise up and eventually realize that she has made a mistake leaving with her bf..... Call you up and apologize, ask if she could come back home! When she does, accept her back ALONE. If she does this again then wash your hands of her...She obviously thinks she is mature and capable of making it in this world with-out you...

Answer 8

She is 20, She's was just thrown out by her Parents. Just wait, soon enough she is going to come crying back to you.
She just came out of the nest and she went to the 1st person who "loves" her.
Give her time, once she realizes that he isn't a good deal for her she will come back and apologize.

Answer 9

she's moving out to be with an untrustworthy guy. her choice?
wish her all the luck and good sense in the world. she will need it.