What would you do if your mom said these things to you?

Question

I am moving out of state and my parents do not want me to go and she is giving me a major guilt trip but today she said that she feels sorry for my kids that there leaving with me and that she raised a good person but my husband has made me not to be that person anymore. I am so hurt by what she said and not quite sure what to do about it. I am not gonna let the guilt trip get to me but the hurtful things she are saying to me is just making me want to move as soon as possible any suggestions on what I should say or do?

To add to my question my husband and I have been married for 10 yrs we moved to vegas with my parents 6 yrs ago and ever since we moved here things have gone down hill, he has gotten addicted to drugs and is seeking help. I think getting out of this town will help. We moved out here with my parents and we told them if we didnt like it we would leave and now I want to leave so do my husband and children.

Answer 1

Your mom needs to feel she has control of you. To not have control is having fear of losing you. Better known as separation anxiety. You need to be firm, but reassure her of your love and assure her that you are not abandoning her, you are moving for a healthier place. The other problem is your husbands drug addiction. That is very hard. I don't know what kind of drugs. I wish you, your husband and children the best. Sometimes tough love is the only resort, and it might not work. The only other option is to take care of your self and your children. I know I've been there. Good Luck

Answer 2

How does she feel you have changed for the worse since you married your husband? Ask her for specifics!

Also, I'm sure your mom loves you and she has some fears about you leaving. Why not ask her what she is afraid will happen if you move out of state? You said she mentioned your children. It could be that she is going to miss her grandchildren badly, in which case you could make some kind of arrangements for them to call her on a certain day/time so she will have something to look forward to.

Other than that, kindly probe her a little more to see what is specifically bothering her about your moving. Tell her you love her and do what you can to accomodate and reassure her without letting her guilt get to you. My mom does the same thing to me-- and it's usually when I decide to do something that she has misgivings about. Sounds familiar, huh? :)

Keep in mind, though, that her most basic motivation as a mother is to see you happy. Mothers will do anything to keep their children from doing something that they think will make them unhappy, including guilt trips. It's hitting below the belt, I know, but most mothers are travel agents for guilt trips, anyway!

I think the best thing you can do is let her know you are aware she's concerned, you love her and appreciate her for it and even though you've decided to do X, you will always need her help and her input because you value her. I think in spite of their goals of wanting us to grow up, mothers desperately want to help and be needed. After all, they've spent nearly all of their adult lives as a parent doing just that-- helping and fufilling needs. Try to make her feel that she and her love and advice are still very valued and don't let the guilt trip get to you. I've found it's just a ruse to hide their concern for your happiness (believe it or not) and their fear that they may not be wanted or needed anymore. When you do move, I would call her regularly for "advice"-- even if you already have the answer-- to make her feel like she still has a significant role in your life as a parent. Hope my thoughts help you.

Answer 3

While she's being childish, she's also hurting. You are her daughter, nothing is more precious to her, no matter what age you are.

You don't say what the circumstances for your moving is, but is there some truth in that your husband is forcing the family apart for no good reason? If that's the case, maybe you should listen to them. But if he's been transferred or has better job opportunities someplace else, then sometimes that's what has to happen.

With the internet and cell phones there should be no reason for your parents to be distant. Show them how to email if they don't know how, and encourage them to get a cell phone if they don't have one. Even my dad, almost 80 uses email and has a cell phone.

Answer 4

Do you have any siblings? Does she have any family living close to her? Are your grandparents still alive? What is your dad saying to make you stay? How far away are you actually moving? Does she fear for your safety from your husband? Is your situation abusive?

I cannot offer advice because my parents raised my siblings and me to be independent from childhood; we are very independent & have been - every once in a while to our own detriment. Many families spread out across the country or the globe, but that doesn't mean they're not close. Cheap long distance and cell rates help keep families in touch, as well chatting, emails, skype, etc.

Answer 5

You are a married woman, and you own yourself to your husband. You are not mom little girl anymore, or daddy's little baby.

For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. (Genesis 2:24).

Why one flesh? Because when you both get marry and get together in that moment of total surrender, your spirit and your husband spirit will get together and become one flesh to the eyes of God. Out of this, it is not God' will.

Do not let your mother to intimidate you. Be strong and firm in your decision. Do not leave mad at her. She is your mother. Tell her that you forgive her and ask for her forgiveness, and that' s it. She has already forgiven you. Do not think about you been hurt by her, think about you not hurting her. She is your mom anyway. Bless her and be sweet to her even if the shows that she is mad at you. Some parents are so attach to their children that they want to keep them at their side no matter what.

Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land of the Lord your God is giving you. (Deuteronomy 5:16). God bless you.

Answer 6

Your mom is going through a tough time.....what is happening is not anything that she dreamed of. Not to say that it is ok for her to treat you in such a way BUT it is understandable to some degree. It would be a lot better for you and her if she could say what she really feels....something like....I feel very sad that you are leaving with my grandchildren....I will miss all of you alot......I don't want to miss out on a single thing......I wish you luck.
Mom or not...she is a woman and women have a tendancy to say spiteful things to get what they want.
I would recommend that you not argue with her....maybe you can write her a letter saying something to the effect of...I will miss you a lot ....please call when you can....I will do the same and the grandkids too. Let her know that you love her and that you are not leaving to punish her but to better yourselves as a family. Then just give it to her as you are leaving...this way she can savor it.
I know it takes a lot of courage to move on...I do not think I have what it takes to pack up and start fresh. So my hat goes off to you and to yours.....best of luck!!!

Answer 7

I would tell her thank you for her advice and that she may visit you after she decides that the good person she raised has returned and not a minute sooner. Perhaps she will realize that by making comments to you like that in order to guilt trip you is very hurtful. Just stand by any decisions you make unless she is willing to see your side of it as well.

Answer 8

Well she is upset and will say stuff to get you to stay or get you mad . I would ignore her and go along with my life . You are a grown woman who is now married , there is nothing she can say or do about it . Let her know she hurt you with the things she said but you still love her and when she is willing to be mature about the whole thing that she can give you a call.

Answer 9

Tell her gently" I am sorry you feel that way. However my obligation right now is to my family. Although you may not feel my husband is right for me, this is the situation I put myself into and you should be proud that I am being responsible enough to handle it, good or bad. I don't think it is fair for you to try to make me feel guilty, but I still love you and hope you will support me no matter." Then pack your family and your s**t and hope your husband doesn't turn out to be an abusive, cheating jerk!

Answer 10

Sometimes parents can be mean my situation os similiar to urs. I was living wit my father and all he had to say to me was bad and hurtful things. But i got out on my own and now im happier than ever and i lived wit my dad for 11 years. He told me that wen i move out my life wasnt going to be nothing and that my husband wasnt going to take care of me like he can. Girl its all over a control issue wen it comes to parents and they see that u r happy in ur marriage wit ur husband spite all the stress and headache that they r giving u. I say ignor and move on wit ur family nothing and make it better for urs. U and ur husband no wat the problem is so the both of u already know wat u have to do for ur family. This move would be good also for ur kids if they r unhappy then get them out before more problems occur and from wat u telling me u dont need anymore han wt u already have honey.Make that move and get out for ur husband and kids sake. GOOD LUCK ONTHE MOVE HOPE U FIND HAPPINESS LIKE I DID ONCE U R GONE FROM THE STRESS!!!!!!