My 57 yr old mother is dying of cancer?

Question

and I don't have the courage to say goodbye. The doctor told us to say whatever we have to say while she is still alert, but I can't do it. I 'm in denial. I can't sleep, I haven't been to work in a week, but I am eating like there is no tomorrow. I'm on antidepressants, anti-anxiety and migraine medication. The only thing that helps me is going out w/my friends and drinking and partying. I feel guilty having a good time but it's the only thing I have energy for. I can't imagine my life without her and hope someone out there who has gone through this can give me words of encouragement.

Answer 1

Dear one - May you have peace in your heart. Your deep love for your mother will always be cherished by her. At a difficult time like this, I pray that you will move bravely forward.

Answer 2

As hard as it may be I would try to explain it in a way that is sensitive and non traumatic for him, but it will be painful somehow I mean the loss of a parent is even traumatic as an adult, especially when it happens in a very fast or unexpected process - I assume. If the child still has his father this might make the situation easier, dad should be there or grandma, not just friends of the family. I would also leave certain details out until he is older or old enough to understand. The child must know that mom is not coming back or will notice this in a while, because he will begin to ask, but the child does not have to find out in a cruel way. However, sitting down and being honest and showing that you care is going to help the grieving process. I am even positive that there are books about the passing of parents, maybe pictures or some kind of colorful/peaceful visuals will ease the pain. Most importantly, the child must not be left alone and must feel loved, just as when mommy was there. I would recommend putting an album of mommy together or taking on a ritual that mommy and the child had whether it was reading a bedtime story together or singing a silly song. Hope this helps.

Answer 3

I was 17 years old when my father died of pancreatic cancer. My mom, my sister and I cared for him at home on a rotating schedule and it was probably the most traumatic time of my life. I understand that it helps you to go out with your friends and feel "normal" for a little while. I did that too. But, I was always the first one up in the morning with the responsibility of checking to see if my beloved father was still breathing. Sometimes I would stand there in the doorway, just frozen with panic, not wanting to go in. There is really nothing worse than watching someone you love declining steadily, feeling so helpless and frightened, and trying to be brave at the same time for everybody else around you.
My advice to you is to get some help - someone suggested calling hospice and asking for help which is an excellent recommendation.
Now something you won't want to hear - if you think you feel guilt now, imagine how you will feel when you're my age and still feel the pain of not gathering up enough courage to say goodbye to your mother. She is scared too. Please tell her how much you love her, and be honest by saying that you can't imagine your life without her in it, and that you are so very blessed to have her as your mother. Mother's worry, so try and reassure her that you will be ok.
I'm so sorry sweetie. My thoughts will be with you and your family.

Answer 4

Truth be told you will still be in denial when she is gone. It is the hardest thing I've ever gone through, but it was my Dad I lost him Dec.22 2006. When you choose to go out and party instead of facing what you will have to face like it or not, you or only robbing yourself of time that you could be spending with your mother. Now that you know the truth, you need to remember that every minute that you spend with her are memories that you still have the chance to make. These memories will be all you have when she is gone and you will cherish them. Don't take for granted that she knows how you feel, be sure that you will have the peace of mind that you will need in the future, that you took every opportunity to let her know what she means to you and just how much you love her. You know how you feel, now stop and try to imagine how she is feeling. One more thing, my dad had a stroke and lost his speech, so I taught him the hand sign for I Love You and that's how he told me that he loved me. Cherish the words that you still have the chance to speak to her. My best wishes to you and your family.
Lisa R

Answer 5

Jennifer C. speaks with a great amount of wisdom. I am a father who is terminally ill. I would also be heartbroken if my daughters weren't there to tell me goodbye, but I would understand. Dying is a difficult business. It is tough for the person who is dying, but even more difficult for those left behind.

I would suggest you look at yourself in the mirror and ask that person looking back at you what she thinks. Does she think the partying with friends instead of spending valuable time with your mother acceptable behavior? I talk with my girls every day. I tell them I love them every day. And I tell them goodbye every day. I have been doing this ever since I was diagnosed in 2003. I was given 18 months to live and I am still hanging in there. Is my disease going to kill me? Absolutely. Did my daughters have to give up their lives waiting around for me to die? Absolutely not. There is a happy middle ground. You don't have to tell your mom goodbye, but an "I love you" or a "How are you doing?" will go just as far as goodbye.

You don't have to stop living, but don't try to bury your emotions in alcohol. Face your demons and do it as soon as possible. Go to your mom, cry with her, tell her how you feel, listen to her when she tells you how she feels, cry a little more, and then tell her "I love you." Believe me, if those were the last words she ever heard, what a wonderful way to go.

Good luck. This isn't easy, but most things in life aren't. Your mom deserves a little bit of your time, and you deserve a little bit of hers. It will do you both a lot of good.

Answer 6

Your mother would not want you to be all depressed. It is only natural to be feeling angry, in denial, and fear, but while she is still with you, let her know how much of an inspiration she is and has been. Drinking your sorrows will not help you feel better. Remember, death is a part of life. She will have a new life that one day we will be a part of. I lost my Great Aunt this past Mother's day to cancer, and she has played a major role in my life, and I will always think of her. I do miss the fact that she is no longer with us, but she is up in Heaven with her kid brother, and her parents enjoying eternal life.

I feel your pain and sorrow, and I want you to hang in there sweetie, and spend as much time as you can while she is still here, and God bless.

You will regret not going to see your mother during her final days.

Answer 7

I am a mother, 36, with terminal cancer. I would be devastated if my daughter did not say good-bye to me. It is hard enough knowing that she will go through the rest of her life without my support and encouragement. Her children, should she have them, will never know their grandma. I won't be here to see her graduate from high school and college. I imagine your mother is full of her own denial and regrets about her death, but coming from a mom, I would never hold it against my daughter for not coming. I know that living can be just as tough as dying. The real question is, even if your mom forgives you, will you forgive yourself for not going? Please, even if you can't say a word, go to her and just be with her for a while. She will know you are there and it will bring her comfort. You are her legacy and greatest source of joy.

Answer 8

well my mom died at 49 of lung cancer when i was 7 and the doctors told us they couldn't do anything and that she would die soon and i would come visit her everysingle day after school and on the weekend and i would cry my eyes out at night but when i would see her i could never mutter a word out all i could do was look at her and cry and then one night about 2 weeks later she died and i had to go tos chool the next day and i just wanted to shoot myself right then and there and i stopped shuffle skating and speed skating and swimming and everything cuz i though that i didn't deserve to have fun cuz she was gone but then about 2 years later i started to go back to doing things and now 7 years later i am back to my self doing everything of sports and fun and staying healthy and going to the gym but my mom dying sorda tought me a lesson in life. just cause someone else that you love goes away for a lifetime doesn't mean yours has to go to. and yea i miss her so f-ing much but i continue through my life knowing that she wants me to be happy and live my life to the fullest and you'll probably feel guilty after ur mom dies but somehow you'll learn a lesson in life and feel a part of her with you where ever you are. sorry so so so long but i hope it made you feel a lil better

Answer 9

We all grieve in different ways. It is not your fault she is sick.
However, if you don't speak to her now, you may regret it for the rest of your life. Of course, words are simple, just "I love you". And I am sure she already knows that. It is not necessary to have a long dialogue with her. But visit her, hug her and tell her you love her. That is enough.

When my mother died, she was transported from one place to another. I remember telling her I loved her and that I would be waiting at the new place when she got out of the ambulance. Her eyes were following me. These are my final precious memories.

Make yours precious too.

Answer 10

You can FACE the facts now, while you still have the choice...-or you can have them FACE YOU- later, when you wish you could've opened your mouth & said something. We ALL gotta grow up- some time. But the HARDEST things to grow up with- are Regrets. Bite the bullet & see her before she goes. -Or you could end up eating or drinking yourself into the "ground" along side her. Good luck.