Friends: About Grief and Guilt?

Question

As some of you have noticed, I am approaching a point where I will be able to move on with my life and find an appropriate place for my grief.

I find these days that I smile and laugh easier, that I anticipate things in the near future and that I deal with the minor disasters that have plagued me recently.

In other words, I am living.

But I find that every time I smile and laugh I am also feeling guilty.

I never thought that I'd survive the loss of my son. I never wanted to go on without him and figured eventually I'd join him.

Now I find that the idea of moving forward is conflicting with the need to cherish the memory of my son.

It feels like my being happy is saying that my son wasn't my world, that he wasn't important to me. That I can live without him.

I know I'm supposed to. But he -was- my world.

I don't want to let go, but I must if I am to live. But if I live, how does that not devalue him?

Your wisdom is earnestly sought.

And lest anyone say this is not an R&S question: death and its impact on those left behind is one of the most profound spiritual/religious experiences we can have, especially when it involves someone you loved enough to have given him life.

Answer 1

I too have lost a child, and i know how hard it is to let yourself feel happiness again. You must remember that your son loved you. And because he loved you, he wants you happy! He wants you to taste the joy of living again!

You dont have to let go of your son, just your pain, and trust me in time you will catch yourself feeling truely happy.
Doing so will not devalue him. Being happy will honour him. Be the person he loved! That is how you honor him, by being all that he loved you for!
It never gets any easier, my friend, it just becomes easier to live with your loss.
I find myself smiling more often too these days and knowing that you are begining to feel the light seep back into your life has made me smile too.
If you ever wish to talk, feel free to email or IM me.
Love and Light,
Ariel

Answer 2

I totally understand what you're going thru, and the feelings and emotions you are experiencing are real and normall. I remember when my brother died, and what my parents went thru. This is even more difficult, as it's not normal. A parent should outlive the child, so it's more difficult when death doesn't come this way.
I thought my parents would never recover. They felt sadness and guilt for a long time, but eventually got better, it took them talking about it all the time. I feel for you, this is such a difficult thing, one can't stay in the grief stage forever tho, the Lord didn't make us this way.
Pretty soon we begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and that's ok. This might be the hardest thing you ever go through, but you can make it. Pray and ask the Lord to help you.

Answer 3

this has to be the most true and genuine post I have come across.... finally, someone shows some vulnerability .... losing a loved one is a real pain and you should admit that to yourself, and now that you are learning to move on please know that picking up your life without your son is a process of surviving, it's not because your going to forget your son or devalue his memory and legacy here on earth, What you are struggling with is real and it is ok and good to have a desire to look forward ... its part of the healing process that at the same time will not devalue the life of your son, I am sorry for the loss of your son, May you find the strength you need that can only be found in God..... whatever your religious beliefs may be. I am praying for you

Answer 4

No wisdom could ever comfort you. Just don't ever change this avatar. Man, ----what can anyone say? What do you think your son would say to you? He may have been a little boy, but kids are smarter than we ever give them credit for.

He made you happy while he was yet with you; don;t you think he'd want you to still be happy no matter what? In his own "little boy" way? His memory will be with you until you breathe your last. For the sake of his memory and your own life and happiness, you need to keep living and being happy.

Besides, who else is going to piss us theists off any better than you do? lol

Your being happy and living in no way devalues him or his memory. It will only strengthen you day by day, if anything. He loved you more than words could ever express. How can that devalue him by you being happy?

You'll make it through this, Orion.

Answer 5

You did the right thing . You realised the puppies where to much for you and your family and that it wouldn't be fair for it to be left alone most of the day. So you found them both homes that could give them what they needed. I believe that a pet is for life but sometimes things happen and it is not far on the pets. We as owners must make sure that we give are pets the care and attention they need and if you can't then you have to be responible and thing what is best for the pet and if that means finding them a new home then that is what you need to do. It is never a good idea to get a new dog/ puppy when you are grieving for the lose of one. A dog/puppy should always come into a happy home. You have done the right thing .

Answer 6

I hope this gives you some degree of relief. I have always found it helpful when someone I love passes.
Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.
I am truly sorry for your loss. I have never lost a child and can not imagine the pain you must feel. You can value his life by thinking of a cause that was important to him and continuing his work through your life. He has changed your life through his presence, so your good deeds will honor his memory.

Answer 7

Please know that I do not consider myself a "religious" being, but rather a spiritual being, on my journey through this lifetime, one day at a time, one step at a time, and sometimes one breath at a time.
I do not know your religious affiliation, or your concept of God. (or for that matter, if you even have one.)

I am sorry for the loss you must feel and the emptiness that remains. But know that you have no need to feel guilty. You may honor your son by living a full and joyous life. I am including a copy of a poem....for i believe that our children are not truly ours...we are only graced by their presence for a limited time, and in that time make a great impact on our own existence. I hope you find comfort and can release the guilt, and let go of the grief.

Across The Porch From God
If I could sit across the porch from God,
I’d thank Him for the glory of
The morning, and for the starry skies.
I’d thank Him for the magic of a
Child's soft smile, for memories, and
For this wonderful feeling we call
Love.
I’d thank Him for the hopes
And the dreams of this sweet life,
but
Most of all,
I’d thank Him for.........Lending me you.
Flavia

Answer 8

There is never a day that your son isn't with you in memory, you are not forgetting him, you are not lessening the importance he had on your life. You are living and that's what he'd have wanted. imagine that things had gone as planned and you had died first. You would want him to remember you lovingly, but you would have wanted him to be happy. That's the way of love. You loved him, he loved you, you owe it to him to live the best life you can. Living a life of depression and grief would betray his memory- it's not what he would have wanted. He brought joy to your life, don't throw away joy now, let others see how he improved your life. He would not have wanted to be a sad burden on you.

There are times when you will give in to the grief, and that's ok. But you need to focus more on the happiness he represented and honor his memory, which is always with you, by living as he would have wanted. Share with others the joy he brought you, death can't take that away.

Answer 9

First let me say how sorry I am for your loss. If your son was anything like you I would have loved to know him.
It is not unusual to feel guilt the way you have described. It's a form of "Survivors Syndrome". The best advice I can give you is to think of how your son would answer this. I am sure that he would want you to enjoy your life and feel happy. To me if you are happy you are honouring him. Just think of how you would have wanted him to life had the situation been reversed. I know he was your world and I can't even pretend to know what you are going through, but being sad is not going to bring him back. Nor do I think he would feel you were honouring his life better by going through it in pain.
When you feel joy think of the joy he would have felt too. When you smile remember his smile. Remembering him in a happy ways and living life to the fullest is the best way to honour him.
I hope that nothing I have said has been offencive in anyway. I know you had asked this question of your friends but I hope you don't mind that I have thrown in my two cents worth. I hope that we can be friends;)

Answer 10

I know what you are feeling is natural. I hesitate to offer any wisdom because I haven't walked in exactly your shoes and can't imagine the pain and loss. But I believe to live your life, to laugh and smile are not to forget your son, or pretend he never existed. They are the best way to affirm life and to honor him with your living life fully. To let go of pain, hurt, and the deepest sorrow, is not to deny your love for your son. Nothing will ever change the love you have for him, but how that feels and is experienced will change. There's no need to think of it as either/or. To be happy is not to devalue your son at all.