What is your opinion of this house rule?

Question

My roommate and I are both Christians. She very kindly opened her condo to me for the summer, and I am paying rent to live here. We have gotten along great... until last week when I told her that I was having my guy friend over to play Halo and have frozen pizza. He's not a boyfriend, or even a crush. We are just friends and have been good friends for 4 years.

But, my roommate says that no guys are allowed alone in the house with either of us, as a house rule. A small group of people is fine, and a girl is fine, but no guys alone.

I feel like the rule is really absurd. I'm an adult and can make my own moral decisions... I'd be fine if she said nobody was allowed at all, but the fact that it's only guys means she thinks we're going to do something in her house.

But, I realize that it's her house, and if she feels uncomfortable with what might be happening behind closed doors, then it's her right to lay down rules, even if they're strict.

What do you think?

Answer 1

If this is her parent's house and is their rule, you have to respect it. If it's her rule and she never told you before about it, ask her why she is enforcing it now? If she is still adamant about the no guy rule...invite her to go out with you and your friend. Perhaps if she got to know him and understood your relationship she may not be so quick to judge and may fudge on the rule. All depends on if it's her rule, or her parents (if she is not the owner). She needs to chill out though, I can respect the whole not going there thing until marriage, but really if you are not dating what's the big deal?!

Answer 2

You do not mention if there was a LEASE signed by you when you rented the condo. If you do not, and this "rule" has suddenly surfaced and you were not "informed" of it when you originally "agreed" to rent, then you'd best RUN to the nearest law firm, real estate agent (many manage rental properties, and have lease agreements "on hand"), or consult online legal forms for a lease agreement. Then sit down with your friend and insist that the lease be made official between you so no other "surprises" will happen in the future. If there is no lease agreement, then the courts consider it a "Month-to-Month Tenancy." Best you look this up online for what are your legal rights under this type of tenancy.

Next, stop viewing her as your "roommate"... she is your "Landlord." This will change your relationship with her, as well it should, because already she has "enforced" a "landlord" priviledge, but you are upset because you view her as a "roommate" instead. Keeping the two separate is very important.

Your moral decisions and your LEGAL decisions are also two different things. This is why it is important to separate the two as soon as possible. If you are unwilling to do so, the best thing to do is give her your "30-day notice" and leave... but know you will likely be losing that "friend."

I hope the best for you!!! Have a blessed day!

Answer 3

Did she tell you about this rule before you decided to move in? It may be her house but you are paying rent so you should also have *some* say about the rules, or at least she should've told you in advance. It wouldn't be right for her to make up rules on the fly. And yes, this particular rule is ridiculous. If she doesn't want you to have sex under her roof I can sort of understand, I'm not religious and have no problem with sex outside/before marriage but I realize some people do and I respect that... but by not allowing guys over by themselves at all she shows very little trust, it's insulting to assume something will happen whenever a guy crosses the doorstep for a game & a bite to eat.

Answer 4

I think you need to talk to her about it and find out why this rule is important to her. Make sure you don't tell her you think it's an absurd rule, she won't respond to that very well and it will be harder to reason with her. But I think you have the right to know why she has imposed that rule.

I suspect that it's rule she has been raised with and she'd been told that no matter what the circumstances, no man should be alone with you, because it allows situations to occur when you can possibly get a little too close and introduce ideas into your head that you should avoid, or allow you to be tempted. Maybe she has been told that a man could take advantage of her in that situation. Maybe she has had the rule drummed into her head so much that she can't even think about it in a rational way anmore, she just knows it's a bad idea and don't go there!

If you think you can reason with her, then go ahead, tell her you have no interest in this man except as a friend or brother. Tell her you respect yourself and God too much to get close to some one in that way. Tell her that you respect her wishes, but you can honestly assure her there is no danger/ no reason why she should worry about your friend being there.

If you don't think you can reason with her, then don't try, it will only damage your relationship. Challenging someone's heart-felt but irrational opinions will only drive a wedge between you.

Now, whether she has the right to impose the rule is another matter. I think that she doesn't. But she thinks that she does. It's her house and you are a tenant. She thinks she has the right to make that rule and you have a choice, to abide by her rules, stay on good terms with her, or challenge her rules and possibly damage your relationship. If you have other issues that you disagree about that cause friction or if you think she is not a valuable part of your life, then you should feel free to disagree with her rule, but then be prepared to leave if necessary. If this is the only problem that you have encountered with her then I think you should respect that while she may act irrationally on this one point, she is a good person, worthy of respect and while you may not agree with her rules, you don't want to give up your friendship for the sake of one disagreement.

There's just one final point - is it really worth it? I know that we all want our freedom and we cherish it, but is having a male friend over for one night something that's worth fighting for? You can have fun at his place, or go out for a meal. You could also offer to invite over other people or ask if she wants to come too. There are many compromises, and although you should be able to have things the way that works best for you, you can change things so that you still have fun, but don't cause her any grief.

A lot of what I've said is just trying to see both sides. I honestly agree with you that you should be able to have friends over with it being challenged. I don't think she realises that her rule is a little condescending to you, and it's also a little insulting. But as you say, maybe 'if she feels uncomfortable with what might be happening behind closed doors, then it's her right to lay down rules'. You don't want to cause her any distress either. That's why talking about it is the best thing. But you have to work out if a fight is worth fighting, and even though I think you're right, I don't think this is worth fighting.

Hope this has helped you on your way to deciding how to resolve your disagreement.

Answer 5

I agree with you that it's your right to make your own moral decisions, and that she should trust you on it. If you say he's a friend, and nothing will happen, she should trust you on that. She's your friend, right?

I also agree with other people who say that, because you are paying rent, you have the right to invite over your own guests, whoever that may be.

Maybe take up these points with your friend? If she holds fast, maybe have your guy friend over while she's there, or go over to his place? If not, you'll either have to abide by her rules for the summer or search out another place of residence.

Answer 6

When people rent out part of their personal home to someone, they have more rights than if they were renting the person their own apartment, someplace else. I rented rooms out of my home in California for over 10 years. Prior to allowing a person to move in, we sat down and discussed what we expected of each other. After that, I would draw up an agreement in writing that the renter would sign. It is your roomate's house; she can dictate who is allowed to come into it. If you don't like it, find another place to live. Next time, do more communicating with the person you are renting from so there are no misunderstandings. I rented to females once. They are difficult to deal with so I only rented to males after that. The males didn't need to bring their friends over. I didn't rent to their friends. I liked my privacy and didn't want people coming and going. It destroyed my peace. Perhaps, that is where you roomate is coming from. I am not saying that you are wrong for wanting to have a friend over for pizza. I am saying that when you live in someone else's home, you go by their rules. Best to find out the rules in advance and get them in writing.

Answer 7

Were you aware of this "rule" of hers when you moved in?
If you agreed to it, then you are stuck with it.
If you had no idea, then, since you are paying rent, you have a landlord, tenant relationship. She has no right to tell you who you can entertain.

What is next? Is she going to select who can be your friend? She sounds a bit controlling. If she has a problem with potential sexual indiscretions, she should have had it written into the agreement

You are an adult. You can make your own decisions of how you wish to lead your life and she needs to mind her own business!

Answer 8

I understand your situation, and if you're paying rent you should be able to make your own decisions on what you do and don't do in the condo. You should try negotiating with your roommate. Tell her that you don't intend having him over to be a hookup kind of thing, maybe have one of your girl friends come as well. That way your roommate is reassured that nothing is going on that she doesn't want to be.

Answer 9

She is treating all men like potential temptations. Are they?

The Bible says, from a male point of view, to treat older women like mothers and to treat younger women like sisters. That would mean you would treat this man like a brother. Would she object to you inviting your brother to your house?

On the other hand, I can see her point that temptation can strike and overcome at any time. However, among rational adults, who know how to put on the brakes and when to say no, I think it makes more sense to treat a trustworthy male like a brother than like a temptation.

Jesus violated conventional religious wisdom of his time when he spent time alone with a Samaritan woman of dubious reputation. Did 'anything" happen between them? No.

Perhaps you can compromise: the man will not be allowed in your bedroom, but in the living room, kitchen, etc. Talk to your roommate, and share with her what I said.

Answer 10

I always want to know why rules are made. A rule for just rule's sake is unnecessary. Have you asked her why? Being adults should mean that you have adult conversations. Certainly you want to be respectful of her wishes, but "here's my rule" is what parents do to kids, not adults to adults.