Femal Teen looking for VERY FUNNY monologue. 1-2 minutes?

Question

Yes, I've tried the sites. I've tried the sites so much my eyes hurt. Half of them were spoke in "ghetto" a language which i unfortunaltly do not understand and the other half were chock full of "goddams" and "bitches" and "asses" and "hos" among other ummm how do you say SEXUAL themes and "vulgar" as my mom would put it, or "crude" as my dad would, language. so if you could please WIRITE DOWN not a site, but the actual monologue, i would thank you SO MUCH! *blows kisses*



thanks

Answer 1

THE BAPTIST GOURMET

G'morin, and welcome to Channel Sixty-four's COOKING WITH TULULA! I'm Tulula Lee May, your Baptist gourmet, and before I lead you in a recipe, I'm gonna lead you in a prayer!

"Lordy, Lordy let me learn, not to let my souffle burn, and if it does, o promise me this: someone in my kitchen will like it crisp, amen"

Last night I was divinely inspired when the Lord came to me in a dream and said "Tulula, you are my culinary link to humanity... I bestow upon you the celestial preparation for fried grits." Ingredients are hominy, cheese, and (the life giving energy to all the Lord's creatures) fat.

First, we must baptize the ingredients *throws water on ingredients* You're Baptized! You're Baptized! You're Baptized!

Next, we finely chop the hominy and cheese, which I have already done, because they won't let me have the air time I need *offstage* isn't that right Jimmy?

*under breath* producer schmoducer--

Next, we take the hominy, the cheese, we put it in the skillet and fry it up! JUST FRY IT UP! IN THE NAME OF THE LORD JUST FRY IT UP!!!!!

Whew! This is gonna be a good one.

While we're waiting for the culinary miracle, like waiting for the second coming, I'd like to read some viewer mail. *picks up stack of mail* preacher Mapplethorpe writes:

"Dear Tulula, Thank you for bringing your fried Caesar salad to the church bazaar. Everyone raved over those cute little baby Jesus croûtons and the Parmesan cheese was like snow in the manger!"

AMEN!

Tessie Jo Miller from Duncan Road asks "Dear Tulula, What is the rule of thumb in southern baptist food preparation?" Tessie! has your cheese dun slid off your cracker? Just slap some cheese on it and fry it up! JUST FRY IT UP! IN THE NAME OF THE LORD JUST FRY IT UP!!!!! O lord help us all!

Sally Dunn from Peachtree Lane asks: "Dear Tulula, How can I make my home-fried taters taste like yours?" Sally, i seen the way you handle your taters; you just chop 'em all up like they was the devil's spawn. With every slice, you must instill goodness and ethics and morality. You must care for them like God cares for us, and your creation will be as perfect as his! Which reminds me... Let's resurrect those grits!

* taste them* MMmmMM! Just like the Lord would'a made 'em!

Now y'all be sure to tell your catholic friends to tune in next week, cause I'm makin' fried Saint Joan kabobs! Bye y'all!!


Lol, that one cracks me up every time!

Answer 2

Can't placed down the genuine monologue, however I can inform you wherein a few can also be determined. In "The House of Blue Leaves" by means of John Guare, there are 2 very humorous monologues for the 2 primary feminine characters, Bunny Flingus and Bananas Shaughnessy. Bunny's monologue is all approximately how quality the Pope and superstar popularity is, Bananas' is the specific reverse, its approximately how darkish a star can also be. However, Bananas is an insane man or woman and Bunny simply wishes a a technique price ticket to Hollywood. If this does not paintings, seem into Shakespere's works, specifically "A Midsummer's Night's Dream". You can not cross mistaken with Shakespere. Sorry if I wasn't any aid.