What should our response as a family be?

Question

My brother-in-law (age 47) lives with his folks. He was included on our cousin's wedding invite as if he were a little kid, AND they used the WRONG FIRST NAME! This has been one of several affronts committed by this couple. No one in the family was invited to be in the wedding, which is a first, and to not get a FIRST COUSIN's name right is just RUDE, don't you think? I think someone needs to speak to the cousin (the groom); my bro-in-law is hurt. Money is NOT an issue with this wedding. Bride is 41; groom is 36. Bride told groom "no cousins in the wedding" and didn't include the teen cousins who call this groom "Uncle."

Will give 10pts for best answer that helps us address this issue constructively. Thanks.

I cannot believe all the BRIDEZILLA's responding. When I got married, I felt it was "our" day, yes, but I never would have taken such a haughty, entitled attitude. Most of the brides responding here sound very selfish to me. My husband and I are going to the wedding; we're just looking for advice on a diplomatic way to mention this to the oblivious bride. But...gee...we wouldn't want to get in the way of "her day." Why let someone's feelings matter?

And etiquette states that anyone over 18 should receive their own invite regardless of who they live with.

Less Bridezillas, more human responses, please.

Okay...they didn't "misspell" his name...they used THE WRONG NAME!

And for those of you who are feeling sorry for the bride, trying to "fit in," she's been dating him for over 6 years and comes to family functions all the time.

Also, groom's 91-year-old grandma begged for her great grandchildren (3 of them) to be invited--and she would pay--but B*tchzilla said "NO." To an old lady. Stop feeling sorry for her and do like some folks here have done: Give me some "positive" ways to let them know they are being insensitive,selfish jerks.

And for those who think I shouldn't assume that money is not an issue: Hmm, will the bride drive her Custom BMW to the wedding, or her Escalade? Decisions, decisions.....

Answer 1

Getting his name wrong could have been an honest mistake. Lots of times brides have bridesmaids and their mothers help address invitations, and it could have been the mistake of whomever was helping her. If they have lots of cousins, it could have been that they didn't want to have to choose some cousins over others, so they made a rule not to choose any at all. Also, if she is still learning everyone's names, it could be that she just had it spelled wrong on her list or something. If I were you, I wouldn't confront the bride personally. She's probably at her wit's end by now. If possible, talk to the groom or the groom's mother. Tell him/her your concerns and that you just want the families to start off on the right foot. If you are as non-defensive and nonconfrontational as possible, hopefully you'll get your point across without stirring up any hard feelings. Weddings can go either way with families. They can bring them together or unfortunately, easily tear them apart. Don't let the latter happen to your family and try to be diplomatic. I'm sure this woman has her own reservations about feeling welcome into your family, so why not be the bigger person and make your best attempt to make her feel welcome. Who knows, once you get to know her better, you may find that she fits right in! And if not, then it still isn't worth estranging the groom who has always been a part of your family. You said specifically that you want to address this constructively. Unfortunately, the most constructive way to deal with it may simply be to let it go. Point out politely the incorrect name on the invite, but beyond that it would probably be rude on your part to say much more. Remember that two rudes don't make a polite. Be the bigger person and try to give the couple a chance. I think you'll feel much better about yourself for doing that.

Edit: Response to further added details:
Okay, wow! First, no one could have known all of that other stuff you added, because you didn't tell us that initially. To the common reader it would seem that all she had done was gotten a name wrong on an invitation and not included some cousins in the bridal party. To an outsider, that seems pretty minor. No need to accuse people of being bridezillas for having a lack of insight into the problem. Now, after reading the rest of what she's done, I can see why you're upset. Obviously this is a really sore spot for you. With all the anger you seem to have over this, I don't think you personally are going to be able to handle anything constructively until you cool down a bit. If the answer you're looking for is permission to cuss the ***** out, then I doubt anyone here is going to give it to you. I understand that you're angry, and frankly, I would at least be annoyed by the bride's behavior, but there isn't really a nice way to approach this. Talk to the groom's mother or the groom himself and discretely mention that your family is feeling slighted. Other than that, there isn't much you can do but get over it. If you confront her or make a big deal out of it, you're the one who's going to look like a jerk, not her. Letting it get to you that much just means that she wins. Her bad behavior has gotten the better of you and to most people with that kind of attitude, knowing that they've gotten to you is satisfying. Don't give her the satisfaction. She's a *****, and nobody likes a *****, but don't let that ruin your relationship with your cousin. A ***** like that isn't worth it. Besides, Karma will take care of her. No need to tarnish your own karma because she decided to screw up hers.

Answer 2

The groom may not know about the way your brother-in-law was invited to the wedding. Someone in the family should talk to him in a polite and low key way and let him know what happened and suggest that he send a personal invitation to your brother-in-law.

Mistakes happen with the guest list. They appear rude, but are probably unintentional. I just got married in May and mistakenly mispelled a name or two in my guest list. When the RSVPs came back, I changed the spellings so I could get them right in the thank you notes.

As to not being invited to be in the wedding, it's probably too late to address family members not being in the wedding party. However, if any of the cousins have a special talent, like singing or playing an instrument or taking pictures, they could volunteer their talents to the bride and groom. The happy couple may need someone to sing, read a poem or read a prayer in the ceremony. Or perhaps have a polite toast ready for the reception.

Just remember that being rude in return doesn't cancel out a rude gesture. The best way to handle impropriety is to respond by being gentile and polite.

Answer 3

I think you should just let it go, it's only an invitation. They were probably just thinking since he lives at home there was no reason to send him an individual invitation. I really don't think it was meant as an insult and they probably just did not know the etiquette. She is the bride and if she doesn't want to use any of his cousins as her attendants that's her choice. However, if he wants to use them as his attendants or as other positions in the wedding then it is his place to say something to her, not your's or anyone else's. He either doesn't care about her decision, isn't man enough to stand up to her, or is simply willing to give in to her. So many people always assume that the wedding is about the bride. Most men are told this at sometime that the bride will do all the planning so maybe he is just letting her have her way. If you know for a fact that he would like to include cousins then talk to him and tell him this is his wedding too and he needs to stand up to her now, or he will eventually always be giving in to her as she will come to expect it.

Answer 4

While I understand the hurt, keep in mind that it is traditional for the bride's parents to pay for the wedding. Usually, the bride's parents send out the wedding invites (mr. and mrs so and so would like to invite you to the marriage of their daughter so and so to so and so), so the wrong name could have just been a mistake made by a non family member. It's the same thing with the people in the wedding. if the bride's parents are the ones paying, then the bride/parents really have the right to decide who is in it.
If he is close enough to the groom to want to be in his wedding, then he should be close enough to support him on this special day, regardless of whether or not you feel he was included in the way he wanted to be. See if there are other ways you/other cousins can be a part of the wedding. Offer to maybe be an usher, or help out setting up the church or the reception. Make it clear that you care about the groom, and, even if you aren't in the wedding party, still want to to be a part of his and his bride's day.

Answer 5

Okay, first off, let's address the fact that no one was invited to be in the wedding. This is THEIR wedding. If they decided that they would prefer to have friends in their wedding instead of relatives, that is their decision. There are a MILLION reasons why someone would choose friends in this situation. Perhaps the couple felt that if they had 1 cousin in the wedding, they would feel obligated to have ALL cousins in the wedding. Or perhaps they just feel closer to whomever they have chosen to be in the wedding party. Whatever the case, it is their decision. There is nothing to be upset about here. When it is/was your wedding, you get to do things your way. For this couple, they get to do things the way they want.

As for getting the name wrong and putting it on the same invite as his parents. Yes, it is technically a breach of proper etiquette. Any grown children should receive their own invitations. But this is a fairly nit-picky thing. Perhaps the bride wasnt aware of the rule. Or maybe she had someone helping her with the addressing of the invitations. It's a simple mistake. It is sad that the name was wrong, but again could easily be explained if she had a helper or maybe she was simply addressing invitations too late at night and slipped. It's a mistake, most likely it was not intended as a personal insult. For pete's sake, maybe she just didn't know his name!

At this point, I would butt out. Your brother in law is a grown man. If he feels slighted, he can speak to the bride and say something like, "I was glad to be included in your invitation to Mom and Dad, but it was somewhat disappointing that my name was wrong." It is not your place to say anything.

Answer 6

Well, I agree it was rude of them to not get the cousin's name correct BUT I'm sure the bride didn't do it on purpose. The bride always takes care of such things. You KNOW the groom didn't take the time to go over the guest list w/ addresses even though she probably asked him to. Guys just aren't interested in stuff like that. So, don't let it hurt you guys tooooo much that the first name was wrong. It was an oversight - a big mistake but I'm sure not conscious.

Now, I don't think it's traditional for cousins to be in the wedding party UNLESS they are extremely close. I have 2 first cousins and I'm even pretty close to them but I didn't have them in my wedding. They weren't bothered at all by that. I did have one of my 1st cousins do the guest book registry w/ my Aunt but that's it. I wouldn't be offended that she's not having the 1st cousins in the wedding. If it wasn't important enough for the groom to speak up and tell her to include them, then I wouldn't worry about it. I don't see anything this couple did wrong really.

Answer 7

It sounds as if the bride is calling the shots and your cousin is going along with it, so there isn't much you can do to get an invitation now.

It's fine not to include all family members in the wedding party, but it is surprising that you weren't invited. What I would do is send a card (not a check or present) with a little note that says you heard about their wedding (or saw it in the newspaper) and that you wish them the best.

If you'd like you can offer to have them over sometime, and include your phone number, or give them a call separately, after they've had time to receive your card and invite them over. Then you can talk to them, see what they have to say, and express your disappointment at not being invited.

As to your cousing whose name was spelled wrong, if I were him I would have corrected it on the response card and then spelled it correctly on the card I gave them.

You're right, it is poor ettiquette to send him an invitation that he's added on to, but keep in mind that maybe they ran out of invitations, didn't realize what they had done, gave them to someone else to address, or are just ignorant about ettiquette.

Some brides don't want any kids at the wedding, which is why the teens weren't invited - it can be hurtful, but it is the bride's day, so although her choices may not be yours, you do still need to respect them, especially if you get along the rest of the time.

Answer 8

My brother and I are both in our mid-20s and neither lives at home with our parents - yet my cousin sent her wedding invite to my parents and included both of us on the invite with my parents. This didn't bother me and honestly I never thought of it as rude, so I'm surprised that bothered your brother-in-law. However, it WAS rude that they couldn't even get his name right! That really surprises me that someone would do that.

By no family in the wedding, do you mean as a bride's maid or groomsman..? Or do you mean just attending in general? Because I don't think it's a must that family is asked to be in the wedding party. My own brother is getting married in a few months and I'm not in the wedding party, and neither are his gf's sisters or brother. I wouldn't ask any of my cousins to be in my wedding party. I'm sorry, I just really don't see the problem here. Maybe it's "family tradition" but sometimes traditions break and if you don't want your family in your wedding party, you don't have to.

I'm sorry, I know this isn't what you were looking for. But the only problem I see here is that they wrote the invitation to the wrong name. I would have your mother- or father-in-law phone the cousin and just say, "we received our invitatin to John, Jane and Petey... but we don't have any idea who Petey is." There's a good chance the couple didn't write their own invitations and this was a mistake by whoever did (I wrote my friend's envelopes and made a spelling error on someone's name, which we didn't realize until they'd already gone out.)

Answer 9

Geez, talk about drama over nothing! Granted, anyone over the age of 18 should receive their own invitation, and an effort should be made to spell people's names right. However, neither of these small gaffs rises to the level of "a response as a family", for heaven's sake. As for the rest of your complaining, all of those decisions are perfectly well made by the bride and groom. Just because everyone else in the family so far has had family in the wedding party does not obligate this couple to do so. Just because you think they can afford to have teenage cousins at the reception does not mean that they have to. They have their own reasons for having their wedding the way they want it. Just because it's not how you want it doesn't justify a feud. Get over yourselves. These aren't your decisions to make. I'm feeling bad for your cousin.

Answer 10

sometimes someone else who does not know the etiquette with writing invitations ends up writing them out and sending them out....he should have gotten his own invite...and his name should have been correct...but isn't there much worse that could have happened here? Like not being invited all together? And I am sure the mistake wasn't intentional.

It is not a prerequisite to include family in a wedding party, it's totally up to the bride and groom.