And do you expect them to pay you back? My mom used to help me whenever she thought I needed it! It was like she was physic or something?!!! She would never let me repay her, she said when my kids were older then I'd have to help them & that would be the way I'd repay her. I'd like to "repay" my mom now by helping my children! My daughter is 20 & I don't help her as much as I think I should cuz I don't have much to spare, but sometimes I think if I just cut back a little on food or something around here, I could help her out more. I also have a 4 & 6yr old at home now though, so that makes it hard! I know my 20 yr old is going thru tough times right now, any other ways I could help her besides money?
2007-07-09 06:37:50 · 17 answers · asked by ♥bigmamma♥ 6 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
She hardly ever asks for money & when she does it's a small amount, like $20 or $30 for gas or groceries, I just know she could use some help right now.
2007-07-09 07:01:53 · update #1
When I moved out I was pretty much left to either fly or plunge head first into the ground. My parents didn't give me any money (not from lack of having any), but my mom would bring me food. She would just make a little extra when she was cooking for her household and then bring me the leftovers. This really saved me money because I had lunch and dinner covered usually. I think that is a great idea because it doesn't let your daughter become reliant on you for money, but you are still helping her out. My mom would sometimes bring me laundry detergent, dish washing liquid - stuff like that. I think by giving me things that I had to use it saved me from going out and spend money on frivolous things.
2007-07-09 06:49:07 · answer #1 · answered by Gina Day 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
My kids aren't at the age of the big "move out" yet. I can tell you that neither mine or my husbands parents have ever given either of us a dime EVER. My mother always told me that when I moved out, I'd better be dam ready to be ON MY OWN because she wasn't going to give me a nickle. And she meant it. In fact, she hasn't bought me a thing since I was 16 and got my first job. She has never been there for me in any way, not emotionally or money-wise. Frankly I think she is a cold-hearted witch and I am glad she lives far away from us so I don't have to deal with her anymore...at all.
I would never do that to my girls. No, I don't think you should short your younger kids to give her money, but you could invite her to dinner more (and send home leftovers). If she needs furniture go through your house and "clear out some old stuff" in her direction (friends can help with this as well). Sometimes just being available and ready to listen and not judge is more important than money or things. Just do what you can when you can. Being a parent doesn't stop when they move out, but it sure does change!! Best wishes.
2007-07-09 09:34:10 · answer #2 · answered by Barbiq 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Um, you have a 4 & 6 year old at home. You should NOT have to cut back on food.
If your 20 yr old can't take care of herself, then she should have stayed home. If you continue to take care of your kids after they're gone, they'll expect you to do it even after they don't need it.
My friend had gotten everything handed to her, and when she moved out, her parents were still giving her the world. Even paying her rent because she spent her money on her boyfriend.
Maybe a little tough love is in order. If she couldn't handlethe real world, she should have stayed home.
Worry about your other younger children who really need you more right now.
Good luck with the tough love.
2007-07-09 06:44:46 · answer #3 · answered by whynotme_ldh 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm not very sure why she needs help or anything but young people often have little expenses such as laundry, cleaning supplies, etc. So you could do her laundry for her or help her clean her place. I know when I first moved out on my own, it was difficult to get money together to go do laundry (had to use a laudromat). So, I know that's usually a big help when you don't have to worry about getting enough change together to go do it. And while I understand money is tight for you, you may want to think about making a dinner for her (such as lasagna) that she can freeze and heat up whenever she wants it. And even if it's just for her, things like that can be reheated several times in order to make several meals.
I hope this helps.
2007-07-09 06:47:25 · answer #4 · answered by Rene 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I am going to sound really tough but this is how we do. Please keep in mind that one of our children was deep into drugs for a bit and this is how our helping him without helping him in a lifestyle we disagreed ...with worked.
Our grown children are always welcome to drop in to use something like the washer, or shower etc. They also were able to come and eat at any point.
We do not give them money but if they get themselves into a fix, they can come home and we will help them get their feet back on the ground. A place to live, appropriate clothes and transportation to and from the job we help them find. We call this boomaranging home. We sent them out...but back they came. Once they are established and having money, we charge them rent because life out in the world is no free ride and we don't want them to be 40 years old living with mom and dad.
If a situation comes up where they need emergency money while living at home they get a loan. The loan is paid back dollar for dollar or 2.50 an hour work at home and every minute they are not working at a job, they are ours. We call it endentured servitude. We make it easier to have them pay it back that way then to work it off. Believe me, it is a big emergency for one of our kids to ask for a loan knowing the pay back conditions.
As I said, this is experience talking from having foster children and a child who was involved in the drug scene. The goal is to make the kids self-sufficient, law-abiding adults with a strong sense of family and their own self-worth.
Don't feel guilty for not giving your daughter money. Be there as a sounding board for her and ask her what is she going to do to fix her problems. This is much more difficult than shoving a 20 in her hand but much better for her rounding out into adulthood.
2007-07-09 06:54:19 · answer #5 · answered by sandy_uf 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It is ironic that I am reading your question now. Right after my son left home, I was helping him out quite a bit. Just recently, almost 2 years later, my son is asking me if I need anything. I was just thinking earlier today about how proud both he and my daughter have made me.
Almost everything cost money, but if you really want to help, you could start freezing your leftovers into small containers, and send them with her when she comes to your house. Usually it is not enough to feed the entire family again, but plenty enough for one person. She would probably appreciate not having to cook for one person every day. It sure beats the heck out of tv dinners, and junk food.
2007-07-09 19:30:40 · answer #6 · answered by PEGGY S 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I would help My son in a second if he needed it. He has never asked. There have been times that I offered to buy him a ticket home. That was usually because we missed him, not because he could not afford to fly home himself. He is in the US Air Force. He has a savings account with a healthy balance. For a kid only 23 years old, he is very responsible with money. I don't think I would ask to be repaid. That would depend on whether i thought he was wasting money and asking me for more. Your relationship with her will dictate how you can help. Will she let you go over her bills and offer advice? If you cant spare money to help you can offer advice.
2007-07-09 06:47:34 · answer #7 · answered by Rubbertech 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yes, there are lots of ways you can help her. Let her know [if she's near by] that she can come home for dinner anytime she wants or if she's in trouble you'll help her figure out what to do. [Bring her to the bank, find her financial assistance, or help her move back home] Help doesn't always come in the form of money--most of the time the best help a person can get is guidance. Let her know that you are always there to help out. If you sense she's having problems talk to her about it! Don't feel bad if you can't help her out financially. If the worst came she could always move back home. Best of Luck!
2007-07-09 06:47:08 · answer #8 · answered by .vato. 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It depends on the situation whether or not you should help your children out in the money category. If they are spending their money wisely and you are sure of this, and they just got in to a tight situation then I see it as ok to lend a few bucks. But if they are going out drinking and going parties and baseball games, or spending all the money on gambling or alchohol or just spending the money foolishly then no, you shouldn't help them. You would just be teaching them that they can go out and waste all this money because in the end you will give them money. It depends on the situation and whether or not I would ever help my kids out.
2007-07-09 06:43:18 · answer #9 · answered by bored_rena 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm 19, living on my own. My parents don't really give me any money, but it's definitely nice to know that they are there, supporting me.
Also, it's really nice to know that even though I don't have much money, if there was an emergency where I needed money, I would have them to fall back on. Just having that security makes me much more comfortable, so in that way, they are financially helping me.
2007-07-09 06:42:41 · answer #10 · answered by Sarah 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋