Would you date a someone with a kid, if you did not have one yourself?

Question

my friend asked me this(about his personal life- a girl he was getting close to), my opinion is no. It is hard enough having a one on one relationship with someone, without having a third ( the child that is not yours- so you have to deal with this person on a different level than your own child ) or even a fourth ( a biological father who is ever present) involved.

It also would affect any spontanaiety in the relationship ( you can't just go somewhere on a whim, which to me seems romantic), and if you do settle with this woman, if taxes your resources (kids cost alot of money...it's hard to raise your own, let alone somebody elses kids)

Does it also show an irresponsibilty on that persons part, if the child was out of wedlock?

Would your answer be different if the woman (or man) had been married when they had the child, and their partner had died ( car accident, Iraq, or other tragedy...mine would).

I am throwing this one out to start a dialogue.

hello Tissa-
the thing is when two people live together, their money kind of becomes one. You can't tell me that a man that lives with a woman that has children won't be expected to contribute capital towards the childs needs (which is he accepts the woman as his wife- he should contribute). I just want to know if that is a factor, knowing that you will be responsible for this.

Answer 1

I would date her but only for me to have good times with her. I'm 34 and I do NOT want kids.....ever. I have very little responsibility compared to most my age, and I like it that way. Also, a kid would interfere with my me-time, which I will not compromise on (for internet and PlayStation).

Answer 2

Well, when I did not have a child, I didn't want to date someone with a child. I did end up doing so though and it was not as bad as I thought it would be. We had a lot of fun and things were still spontaneous and enjoyable.

Now that I have a child - I can understand where you are coming from, but since the shoe is on the other foot now, I would have to say that it really all depends on the person with the child and how well-behaved the child is. If you love someone, you are willing to put up with the fact that there is this other life and you appreciate the fact that they can juggle all that. As you get older, the chances of you meeting someone with a child also increases. As far as lack of responsibility (because a person has a child out of wedlock) - you can look at that different ways. I was younger and it was a while ago. I am certainly not the same person I was then and the person I had the child with was someone who I was with for almost 7 years... so it wasn't some fly by night sort of pregnancy. I also chose not to marry him in the end because it was not a healthy relationship and I think that showed more responsibility on my part. It was the right decision in the end too. Now we are good friends and raise a beautiful child together. My child is well behaved and the person I recently dated had no problems with her and enjoyed her company. Me having a child was no different than someone else with a demanding career - which as you get older - more people have as well. So it all depends on your particular circumstances really. You want to find a woman who is looking for a partner - not a father.

Answer 3

If she is a good mother, you won't even meet the child until she feels you might really be a good influence for her kid/s.

If she is allowing men into their lives right off the bat she is not looking out for their safety and feelings. Kids need stability and men coming and going is more destructive than most parents understand.

I would not hold the child against the woman in or out of wedlock. Sometimes things happen, right wrong or indifferent.

I would consider her responsibility and character though. Kids or no kids.

Spontaneity is only an issue if you aren't resourceful. So you have to make plans according a schedule that accommodates the child, if you do care for the mother, what makes her happy will also make you happy. Many men and women raise step kids as their own. Or at least they try.

Would I want a man with 3 kids, on minimum wage, no child support.? If he was a good man and down on his luck, probably, lol.

Being a part in their child's life is IMPO really a gift, you will get to add your life experiences and paradigm to the child's life. Unless you are a mean person, that can be good.

Yes there can be other issues, but if you are in love it won't matter, you will find a way to make it work.

Bottom line is if you are attracted and respect the person male or female, having a child won't matter.
Added later:
A person who considers money as a factor for any relationship is not ready IMPO for a real relationship. Life is static, things happen everyday that involve money.
Comparatively speaking, children can sometimes be less expensive than the odd things that happen to us in life . We are only here for a short period of time. Everything we do has an effect. What if you helped raise the next Secretary Of State?
I mean, we all come from different familiy back grounds, values and beliefs. When I add you to my family, making it an extended family, you will bring all of your baggage with you. Some will be awesome, some will really stink. All that you do and say will in some way effect my childs world view.

What if you turned away a wonderful woman only to discover that she was going to stop seeing you because of your values and such, how they might effect her children?

Ah well, just had to add more, lol.

Answer 4

This is a tough question for me to answer being a what you would call single mom. Were not married. My little girl is 3. We live together. I would want to think that if I was single there would be men out there that would date me. On the other hand even though I have a child I am not so sure I would want to date a man with a child. I know I sound like a hypocrite, but that's how I feel. The person would have to really spark my interests.

You are right a relationship is hard enough when just two people are involved.

Answer 5

My views on this have changed int he past year or so. While i am in a committed relatinship with the father of my children, if we were to break up i wouldnt write a guy off just because he had kids. However, him having kids that he doenst take care of would be a deal breaker.
I think that in today's society, it is more aceptable to have children out of wedlock. I am sure there are those that believe it is morally irresponsible, but my response to those people is it takes a lot higher level of responsibility to raise a child alone than it does with a partner, so while getting pregnant may have not been the most responsible move, you regain your "responsibility factor" once you are caring for the child.

As for the money, that shouldnt be an issue until the relationship becomes serious as that child is MINE and not whoever i was dating. I would never expect anyone but my childrens father to help me finacially with that child. And no matter what, even if the father is not at all present in the childs life, my kids have one daddy and they will never under any circumstances call anyone else mommy or daddy. I have a friend who has her kids call all of her new boyfriends daddy and i think that has to be confusing to a child.

Answer 6

I don't think I would decide not to date someone solely based on the fact that there is a child involved. It can make things hard, but if everything else in me was telling me this is a great person and I'd love to be with that person, I don't think I'd let the fact that they have a child stop me from going for it.

Spontanaiety is overrated, in my opinion. If a spontaneous relationship were that important to you, would that stop you from having a relationship with a business owner, a nurse, a doctor, a social worker, a police officer, a firefighter, etc.? All of those people spend their lives on-call, and that can kill spontanaiety, too.

In your first paragraph, you mention another parent involved. If the other parent is involved, I don't think the issue of money problems in the second paragraph should be. Financially, the other parent would need to be paying child support, even if the parent with custody remarries. Yes, there would most likely be a strain, but it wouldn't be like it would be if the new "parent" had to assume 50% of financial responsibility to the child.

I would not think it shows irresponsibility on that person's part, having a child out of wedlock. Everyone makes mistakes in life. This person's consequences of their "mistake" is in the form of a child, but it's not like childless people are without mistakes just because they don't have living, breathing consequences. Instead, I would see the life POST-baby as evidence of extreme responsibility. A single parent has it hard, but this parent accepted her lot in life and rose to the occasion. It's one of the few times in life where a person can completely fall in love with something that started out as a "mistake".

Since I wouldn't think less of the person for having a child out of wedlock, my answer wouldn't change if the person were married and a widow/widower. I would certainly feel sorry for them, but I wouldn't consider that as an "acceptable" reason to be a single parent, as opposed to being a single parent who is no longer with the baby's father/mother. I'm curious, if the parents got a divorce because the other was abusive, would that be something you would consider acceptable? What about if a rape victim got pregnant and chose not to abort the baby or give him or her up for adoption (it's not unheard of)? Would that be acceptable?

Yes, the dynamics of the relationship would be different and would really require maturity on the part of all adults involved. If things work out, you have to consider the life of a step-parent. If they don't, you have to make sure that if you've bonded with the child in the course of the relationship, you don't allow the child to think you're abandoning HIM. But that doesn't exactly mean you shouldn't have the relationship to begin with.

I think a healthy relationship with the ex and with new boyfriends/girlfriends is definately the best thing for a child, and it can be a rewarding relationship for everyone involved. I'm always fascinated by the relaitonship between Bruce Willis, Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher. None of them seem to feel they are at a disadvantage because of the girls and their parents' close friendship.

If you don't feel like you could do it, you shouldn't. You're definately entitled to that. But your question hints at a judgemental view of a person, simply because they have a child, and I don't think that is right, even if you yourself could not date a parent.

Answer 7

It depends on if the male is willing to become a father figure. It really depends on the age. Being 20 years old and knowing a few single mothers already, I personally am not ready to settle down and become a father. I take that kind of thing very seriously. Granted, if this situation arises in late 20's or 30's, the male should be looking to settle down anyway. If he loves her, the children are a part of her and he should accept that.

Answer 8

I have to throw my two cents out there on this one.... I am a single mother of three children, with an ex husband who doesn't pay child support. This issue is sensitive and very personal, and should be left to the discretion of the parties involved. Any woman worth her salt will not want a man simply to help raise her child(ren).

Any man who would take in a child who is not his is a Superhero in my book, and I know several of these men personally.

Answer 9

I think it depends on age and where you are at at that point in your life. You might be young and not ready to settle down or don't mind settling down but you want..as you stated spontanaity. It's a matter of age and then preference. What doesn't work for you might work for your friend.
As you get older it becomes harder to find a partner with no children.
I don't think that you should pass up a great person just because they have a child, unless of course you feel that children aren't for you but you never know..they might just teach you something new about life.

Answer 10

almost everyone I have ever dated has had kids and my fiance has 2 teenagers. it doesn't matter to me how they were brought into this world. If you love someone you accept them and their kids. But, you have to be willing to do this BEFORE you go out with someone w/ kids.