Career before relationship, yes?

Question

I am 22 and about to graduate from college in december. I have had many job offers in a variety of locations, but I really have my heart set on one in Boston. I have a girlfriend of 3 years who would not like the city life one bit. Now something else complicates this situation, we have been going through some hard times (arguing, disagreements, etc,) now I'm not sure she is the "one". And now I am realizing we really dont have much in common (music, movies, etc). But mostly what I am wondering is should I sacrifice a career in the city for a career out in the sticks with a girl who I think I love?

I am still very attached to her and there are things which I still love about her. We have gone through alot such as, her returning from college in pennsylvania just cause she missed being with me. We have had our ups and downs but nevertheless I would like to see if there are other girls who I can connect with better

Answer 1

First off, Boston is my hometown and there is no place like it!!! It's worth experiencing life up here...I wouldn't live anywhere else!

If you truly love eachother, there should be some room for compromise here. Ask if she would just give it a try, perhaps 6 months or so. Who knows...she may come to love it. Boston is full of New England culture, and there is literally something for everybody here. Or, live outside of the city itself. There are so many rural towns just outside of Boston that could easily be classified as "The Sticks". You might have to commute to work...but that's what the train is for.

If, however, you have become unsure about where your relationship is going with this girl and you want to meet some new people, go your seperate ways. If this move is where your HEART is, than this is what you have to do.

Answer 2

I am always firm in saying that "no one knows what happens behind closed doors"...except the ones behind those doors. I am sure you know the reasons you love her, and you should have a fair idea what causes you to bicker. Do you think you relationship is where it should be after 3 years? Do you want it to work? BOTH the opportunity and the girl are equally important, right? Discuss it with her, and hopefully she would want the best for you and support your move....with or without her accompaniement. I would definitely say that the opportunity should be embraced....if she really loves you, she would be patient, understanding and flexible. On the other hand, she came back to be with you....was that her decision or was it influenced by you?? Did she miss being with you....or with someONE. The only thing i can suggest is to talk it out and come to some agreement. Just be aware that the grass is not always greener...and if you choose to go ahead and see, be prepared for anything...it could be great....it could be sucky.

Maybe the first real step should be anaylsing where in the relationship you two are at... and move on from there.

Good luck!!! And may your decision be a blessed one :)

Answer 3

I think that the career vs. relationship debate can be answered differently, depending on the situation. In yours, I would say to go ahead and take the job in the city. You're just starting out and to get your foot in the door and possibly help you in the future, a big city job will be much more beneficial than some unimpressive "sticks" job. You've been with your gf long enough to build a foundation. You're relationship can last if you both continue to put forth the effort and make it work. Hopefully you moving will help both of you figure out even more if this relationship is worth saving or if it's best to move on. Good luck!

Answer 4

That's a tricky one. At 23, the year I graduated from college, I picked the career over the guy. But looking back, I would not have stayed with the guy, even if the career had sucked. So sometimes the problems appear related and really aren't.

The career will deliver, no doubts about that. But you will still face a point, about 15 years down the road, where you stare in the mirror and say 'is this it'? And far away as that sounds, it doesn't take that long to get there, and the 'is this it' moment is not that enjoyable. If you pick the career at this moment you will discover that this is only the first of many many decisions you will have to make like this. People in their thirties and early forties right now are plagued by moving every couple of years, or every six months, or flying for their employer to the other end of the earth at the drop of a hat. It's become the norm, and it isn't going to get better. At first it's exciting, seeing all these places and getting paid for it. But after awhile it starts to wear you down; you wonder about the quality of life when you know certain airport lounges better than your own apartment. Above all, relationships suffer. And I mean - they really suffer. These situations force people to put themselves first, but really they are putting their employer first, and it dawns on you that the new middle classes are really trapped in indentured servitude. I don't mean that politically; I mean that you give up so much, but you don't know the price of what you've lost til much much later.

People these days go though relationships like kleenex, no disrespect to you or anyone, I just mean, that people often think 'I can find someone new' at the first sign of real strain. We have more money, are more mobile, there's always a new world waiting around the corner -- which is true. You or your partner can always get on a plane and fly away. So it's no wonder that people are skittish or simply physically unable because of job demands to stay in one place long enough to really commit to themselves, let alone anyone else. There's a line in the recent movie 'All the King's men' where the hero says something along the lines of 'you always think you have another opportunity [in relationships]. But the truth is, sometimes you may have only one. And once it's gone it's gone forever.' I know that's not a popular attitude these days, but it's the truth. The problem is, you just don't know how many chances you are going to get at a good long term relationship with someone who really loves you. At 22, the opportunities will seem infinite. But things change, especially when you are flying to Hong Kong to close that deal for the fifth time in 2 months.

Under these conditions, I know people who picked their marriages or partners over their careers, and their careers suffered. They paid a real price, personally, financially, emotionally -- in terms of developing their interests and capabilities of individuals. They had to settle for a middle-tier career. But their lives are more stable and more comfortable, and they are all in committed long-term relationships, which are not perfect, but are there. Usually one partner refuses to move, and that does it.

At the same time, you can't stay in a relationship just for emotional security, because then you'll get the 'is this it' moment about the relationship further down the road. So the short term answer is this, separate the two issues in your mind. Look at yourself, what do you want to do with your life -- what do you really want to accomplish? Try to get a grasp on that and on your personal individual goals and needs.

Then separately, look at your girlfriend, try to figure out what her needs are, ask her, talk to her. Ask her what she wants, for herself, as an individual, long term.

Then figure out what you would be willing to give up, not just for her, but for any long term relationship. And ask her what she would give up or not give up. See if you can reach some middle ground without upsetting each other. One thing is certain, she has to accept that when you graduate everything is going to change. That is not a personal thing against her -- it is a basic fact of modern existence. So see how she comes to terms with that. You will both have to be flexible to deal with your life after college.

Answer 5

Not to be too selfish, but at this stage in your life, I would look out for yourself first. If you sacrifice a great career for a relationship that is probably not going to work out anyway, you will regret it for the rest of your life.

If it was meant to be, you will find some way to work things out even if you are in Boston; otherwise, you will find someone else. Pursue your career.

Later, after you find the "one" and get married, then your priorities will be different. But you will also be in a different place in your career experience-wise, and you can better afford to make some career sacrifices for your family.

Answer 6

go for the job in the city!you obviously have doubts about your relationship with her .what else do you need? you have answered your own question.she made a mistake by leaving college because she missed you.we all make mistakes, but this is a big one.no one should give up on school because you "miss" someone.if you all are having problems now,what will it be like if your married?no marriage is perfect,but you guys are already off to a bad start.be honest with her and try to come to an understanding that you guys are still young with a whole life ahead of you.you two need to really have this talk,because you are about to make a big decision in life and with out a supportive partner.......it cant be done.i ahve always believed that "you are better off alone than with someone who will cause you unhappiness".good luck with you offers and with you gf.choose wisely ans be honest with yourself and your girlfriend!

Answer 7

Considering your situation, age, and lack of other adult (romantic) relationships I'd advise you make the best career move...romance will work itself out in time, but your career is quite important and good jobs don't come along everyday. However there are over 3 billion females on the planet so you've got MANY of those to choose from.

Answer 8

That is a tough one. Well, you've worked so hard to get through school, and are beginning your new life with all of the job offers. It is common for young loves to "grow apart," especially when one has broadened his/her horizons with an advanced education. That is not to say your gf is dumb...it is just that you both have grown into two different people than who originally fell for each other. You've "out-grown" each other, so to speak.

Answer 9

I assume this is the same girl you refer to in your other questions??If so you stated that the 2 of you broke up,and that she has been extremely controlling for the 3yr time period.
Assuming those things are true I think you know the answer.
Your relationship sounds like it is/was rather unhealthy anyways,so definitely go for the career move that is best for you...

Answer 10

Yes, at least in your case. If you know you want the job, but you're not so sure about her, you have to put the opportunity first. If you are meant to be together, then you can come back to each other after you've taken the time to explore and figure out what you really want.