I played piano for my cousin's daughter's wedding and received no token of appreciation. Is this proper?

Question

I spent many hours preparing for this wedding by learning the new music, meeting with the soloist and violinist on 2 separate occasions, and driving a total of 320 miles round trip for the rehearsal and the wedding. I feel as if I was asked to play for the wedding as a means of cutting corners so they could spent money on the more elaborate aspects of a wedding. The bride and groom gave wedding gifts to the wedding party and their parents, but I suspect she didn't even pay her violinist nor her friend for singing. We all three did a beautiful job at her wedding and with all the work we did for planning and making her wedding beautiful musically, we were slighted. Because of this recent event, I am no longer willing to play for weddings. Am I being overly sensitive regarding this matter, or because I was a family member at the wedding I should have assumed this was a free service?

Answer 1

You should have been given a token of appreciation. My family members played the piano and sang at my wedding, and I gave them the same gift I gave the bridesmaids. Because you were family, I wouldn't expect payment, but you definately should have been acknowledged. I am so sorry this happened to you, and I am even more sorry that it has spoiled oyur attitude for future weddings. I am sure their are others that would appreciate your beautiful services.

Answer 2

Hell no! I can't believe that. At first I thought "Well this has got to be some kind of lame hoosier's country wedding so that's why she didn't pay." It sounds like this was a relatively formal wedding and not paying (or tipping) the performers is completely classless and poor etiquette, family or not. We were broke after paying for our own wedding but still knew we had to have money to give the soloist and pianist. You're even supposed to tip the minister or give a donation to his church or a charity in his name. Don't let this get you down though, luckily there aren't many people like this out there. I'm sure you are a beautiful performer and some lucky couple (with class) would be thrilled to have you perform at their wedding. Just make sure you've discussed things up front in case you happen to find another user like your cousin (once removed, or "permanently removed" if it were me).

Answer 3

A gift would have been nice, but I dont think it would have been mandatory, did you really do it for a gift? My guess would be no. What you most definitely should have recieved was a heart felt note of thanks and that should have sufficed.

As for not playing at other weddings, thats entirely up to you, but I would say this, not all brides demonstrate the bad manners your cousin has, in fact most wouldnt. BUT also, for other weddings you would probably be paid for your services and thusly you wouldnt warrant a gift or thank you note as you have a business relationship and you were compensated with your fees for playing.

Answer 4

I think it's terrible. I suspect she is a selfish girl who thought that playing at her wedding was a great honor that she bestowed upon you and that it was your gift to them. Had she paid someone to do it, it would have easily cost a few hundred dollars. She should have at least given a token of appreciation, if not money. I think you should continue to play for weddings but be honest and say that you require a small fee for your time and expenses and such. You don't have to give an exact amount.

Answer 5

I think both of your last comments can be accurate: (Overly sensative and family member)
I had my cousins (2 of them) officiate my wedding (they drove 400 miles each way), not for a cost savings but because we grew up together and were best friends, but forget why, I did get them some fun stuff as gifts and they of course said "you did not have to".
But also, if you knew you were helping them to "save money", then it was probably assumed that it would be free.

Think of it this way,
did you do it for 'a token of appreciation' or to help them?
if for the token, then thats where your priorities lie and you need to be more explicit in future agreements that you want this or that as a 'fee'.

Answer 6

I'll probably get thumbs down for this but oh well, gotta stick to my guns! Fees for services should have been discussed before professional services were rendered. If you didn't name a price then she was not obligated to pay you or give you anything. As a family member I would think you'd willingly volunteer with or without compensation. However, if you feel strongly about wanting a gift/compensation, stand up for your belief and send her a bill. If you didn't discuss payment for services ahead of time this could be sticky and now you have to figure out the best way to get compensated.

Good luck!

Answer 7

Did you buy them a wedding gift? Perhaps they thought your gift to them was the music you furnished. It meant more to them than any gift. Protocol says they have a year to send "thank yous", so don't give up, it may be coming. As for your not willing to play at future weddings....if it is a relative, tell them that it will be their gift from you. If it is for other weddings, tell them how much you charge and include gas mileage or any extra expenses it is going to cost you.

Answer 8

Happens all the time. I played for my nephew's wedding - drove through an ice-storm to get there - and still 2 years later not even a thank-you.

Of course it's wrong - but that's why you can't pick your relatives.

Answer 9

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Answer 10

No, it was very poor manners and unappreciative on her part. I am sory you had such a bum deal.